Do you hate swimsuit shopping? If you didn’t express a serious “no” then we may not be able to be friends. Ha ha. Now, it’s abundantly clear things are a little easier for you guys, but even you have to deal with designers thinking white and see-through and non-pocketed and ones that creep up the crotch are acceptable.
Don’t you wonder how they pick swimsuit designers? Normally, as you know, I try to have a positive message, but today, I have to vent. They’ve got me all riled up! And not one of you can argue with my reason for it: swimsuits! Ug!
It’s bad enough that I have to watch fashion designers try to make men look girly in scarves and that there’s this ridiculous trend of tapered pants when no one over the size of 8 looks good in them, but there’s a line I draw in the sand when I am relegated to drive to a foreign land to even find an underwire let alone something non-fuggly in the world of swimwear.
Let’s talk shitty ideas.
Shitty idea #1: Horizontal “Beef you up, Buttercup!” Stripes
Seriously? After all these years, everybody and their dog knows you don’t wear horizontal stripes unless you want to look larger. Horizontal stripes do not belong on chunky people like me. It pisses us off that anyone even considers putting them out there. In all truth, unless the horizontal stripes are on the boobs, even a size 2 does NOT want to look fatter! So, yes, brilliant plan to put stripes on almost every freaking bathing suit!
Shitty Idea #2: Boob Accessories.
Really? I’m pretty sure I don’t need a giant piece of metal between my boobs for them to get any attention. And it was an even better plan to put metal embellishments between my bosoms so that they can be burnt melons on a 100 degree day. Thank you. Apparently, scalding marks fit perfectly with the butterfly tattoos in the cleavage, huh?
Shitty Idea #3: Cinch sack sides.
Let me just say I’d love to meet the person who thought cinched in sides for bigger sizes was a good idea. Because as you can guess, there’s nothing we all want more than to force our bodies into a suit likening it somewhat to putting a pair of socks into a Pringles can. A little goes in but the harder you push, the more oozes out from somewhere else. Then again, maybe I look more like a Campbell’s Soup can – the label just sticks to the ripples harder when it gets wet. Yep, that sums it up.
Shitty Idea #4: Big Ass Floral Prints (and I do mean big ass)
If that’s not bad enough, I’m an even bigger fan of the gigantic floral print since of course my mindset is that if I’m already feeling large, there’s nothing I want more than to draw attention to myself like a clown at a funeral. That’s exactly what I was hoping for: big, colorful flowers to draw eyes to my shaking jelly. Beautiful.
Shitty Idea #5: Boob baggage.
And above all else, let’s not put underwire in swimwear. What a horrible idea. No need for anything more than a shelf-bra because why would a DD need a bra at a pool? Obviously, it’s a battle for who can sag the most. Every woman wants to look like she’s carrying around worn-out flour bags of quarters.
Tell me you don’t feel my pain! Tell me you haven’t stood in front of a mirror pale-legged and cursing the swim gods! We’ve all been there.
The good news is that although I’m pretty sure I could go on and on about this topic, at the end of the day, I guess it’s kinda like significant others: you only have to find one – the right one. So if you don’t hear from me for a while, assume I’m in somewhere between Nebraska and California in a store feeling up the swimsuits checking for underwire.
Hope you have better luck! I think it’s time for a drink… lol.
Gita8
May 3, 2013 at 12:52 am
Yes, let’s talk about the shelf bra. Take a stroll along the beach. Decide to walk into the surf, then maybe a little further in, to cool off. The first time a wave knocks you down, that shelf bra will FILL UP with sand and tiny bits of seashell flotsam. You will be picking cochina fragments out from under your breasts for the rest of the day.
Good times, huh?
boltoncarley
May 3, 2013 at 1:56 am
Ain’t that the truth?!! Been there, done that! Well said, Gita! Seriously. I wonder who thinks these things up!
Mischa
May 3, 2013 at 3:08 am
I am particularly troubled by the first swimsuit with the pelican and his beak uncomfortably hanging in the position it is in….. just can’t get past it.
boltoncarley
May 6, 2013 at 10:44 pm
it is so creepy! i want to meet the girl that buys it! 😉
Amy Doty
May 3, 2013 at 6:12 am
You are being way too hard on yourself!
We need you to be positive especially now!
You probably like to be perfect in everything you do, right? Oh well, here we have to settle for good enough. Our loved ones see our beauty even when we can’t. We are strong, virile, and healthy!! Thank goodness!! We ate the extra brownie!! Oh yes we did, probably more times than we like to admit! We are happy because of it! Our significant others are probably thankful we did! We haven’t been bitchy all year from lack of eating our favorite treats! And that’s why we have the curves, and cushion, laughs, and fun! My five year old son likes my hugs because I’m soft. And dang it, the packaging on my DD bras say I look ten years younger from all the work they do hefting up my best bodily asset. I will not give up. I’ll slather on a little sunless tanning lotion on my full figured thighs deluding myself that they look smaller that way and I’ll be the best me I can be in my underwire swimsuit because nipples pointing down at the ground are just not acceptable yet! Lol.
This year I pored over the hundreds of suits on Macy’s.com. I picked four figure flattering ones for moi. I loosened up with some wine. I tried them on at home. I kept my favorite. I really liked swimsuit shopping this year!
tiffany
May 3, 2013 at 6:57 pm
I concur with Amy on one thing – wine makes everything better. I spent too much time trying to find a suit for a vacation just past, and what do you know, the one I picked didn’t matter a damn bit. The vino was flowing, the pool was cold and the sun was hot – so I felt pretty damn good. Which, as we all know, confidence makes you look three sizes smaller. (or, in my case, the wine fog and an official ‘no pictures allowed’ rule!) **Entrepreneur note: swimsuit store with wine bar before dressing rooms…on it.
boltoncarley
May 6, 2013 at 10:47 pm
oh, tiffany, it looked like greece gave you a mighty fine tan!
boltoncarley
May 6, 2013 at 10:50 pm
you are so right! i have learned to live with a little extra weight because, well, i’d rather be doing what i want to do that working out 24/7. and don’t you worry, i’ll be slathering on the lotion and tanning with or without a good swimsuit! but i must say that you have the right idea – drinking beforehand! smart girl. i’m on it!
Tanya
May 3, 2013 at 7:49 am
Big ass floral prints and tropical toucans are good for NO one! And why do the mirrors and lighting in the stores ALWAYS make you look so much worse than you actually are…kinda’ like holding a flashlight under your chin during a scary story. This brought the biggest smile to my face – a great end to a rather crappy day, and I thank you for that. Hang in there on the “underwire front”…it’s out there, I know it is! I doubt you will find it in Nebraska, but you might! 🙂 Happy Friday – Tanya
boltoncarley
May 6, 2013 at 10:48 pm
thanks! i’ll find it some place! and i’m with you on that lighting. i told the salesclerk that if they put in a tanning light in the swimsuit fitting rooms, there’d be a lot less angry people. 🙂
harrybsanderford
May 3, 2013 at 2:02 pm
Perhaps something stylish made with more natural materials would suit you:
http://harrybsanderford.blogspot.com/2011/07/prickly-pears.html
boltoncarley
May 6, 2013 at 10:51 pm
even i couldn’t pull of that look, harry! lol! it’s fitting from a personality stand-point, but not from a comfort one. 🙂
Veronica Roth
May 4, 2013 at 2:51 pm
So, yesterday C says “lets suntan for a little in the garden” and dons her bikini and gets out there. So I’m thinking, it’s my garden, it’s private. why not and I wriggle into my bikini….bad, BAD idea. Oh boy I’ve got some work to do! 🙂
mliddle
May 6, 2013 at 4:52 pm
Veronica – I empathize with you! When my younger cousins would come over during a plumper stage in my life & would casually say let’s go to the pool & sunbathe, this feeling of fullness would come over me. Suddenly, my clothes felt tighter and my skin whiter & I could not imagine myself at the pool despite other people dressed in skimpier outfits and too much left over outside the small swim – er, I mean sun(?) Outfits. Because if they moved with those outfits on, we would have a free show for all.
Bolton – very funny and for the most part, sadly true. I don’t have a problem with another person’s body. I have a problem with swimsuits that do not fit a person’s body. My own frustrations with my body are my own. However, I would like to be at a pool where I don’t have to pretend to read just because a woman’s suit is about to fall down any minute.
Monique
Veronica Roth
May 6, 2013 at 7:21 pm
Lol, so true about the falling down swimsuits. I may as well fess up that, being very European, I tend to take my bikini top off while sunbathing in France or Geneva…you know, where it’s common practice. But I tend to put it back on when I want to walk around the beach/pool. What amuses me are the middle aged ladies, usually German, who love to walk around with their boobs hanging out because their really corseting, total support one piece has been rolled down to their waist and, when they want to go walk around, they can’t force themselves into it easily and so don’t bother. Funny…but I try not to look. 🙂
boltoncarley
May 6, 2013 at 10:54 pm
oh, monique, you are so right – i don’t care if someone is big or small, i just want their suit to be flattering not destined for the fashion police!
boltoncarley
May 6, 2013 at 10:51 pm
oh, veronica, i can’t imagine a topless america! lol. i remember being in france and being shocked that it didn’t really phase people there.
boltoncarley
May 6, 2013 at 10:53 pm
in the garden – you’re always safe! 🙂
boltoncarley
May 6, 2013 at 10:55 pm
okay, i apologize. wordpress is being weird and won’t let me post directly under your comments unless if feels like it. in fact, i didn’t even get a notice that you’d commented so better late than never, huh? thanks, guys, for all your words! 🙂
Kathy G
June 4, 2013 at 1:44 pm
By the grace of God I found a suit last year that fits pretty good. Since I didn’t wear it a lot last summer I can use it again this year. ~TALU~
boltoncarley
June 4, 2013 at 2:56 pm
I love when that happens! I had one I used for 3 years, but now I’m in that bad zone again.
Janine Huldie
June 5, 2013 at 1:34 am
Totally hate shopping for swimsuits and so true about underwire. Seriously whoever came up with that idea should have been shot on the spot!! #TALU
boltoncarley
June 5, 2013 at 2:07 am
they need to consult real people, don’t they? ug. but thanks for stopping by! 🙂
Karen Hug-Nagy
June 5, 2013 at 9:58 pm
Oh I hear ya! I haven’t even tried to look for a swimsuit and we have a backyard pool, I’m still mortified! I NEED that support on top. I felt like wearing my bra under my suit today, just to feel like I wasn’t hanging out all over. I don’t get it, the only person who I know that looks great in a swim suit is my 12 year old daughter. Gee I wish I would have appreciated that age more 🙂
boltoncarley
June 6, 2013 at 12:13 pm
I agreed. With all the things they have improved over the years, why is one NOT the swimsuit??? Best of luck finding the right suit!