Humorous thoughts on adulthood – thank goodness for chocolate, drinks, friends, and duck tape!

Bolton’s Brief Rule #141: freak flag waver

freak flagger

freak flagger

 

Hey, if there’s anything I’ve learned it’s that we’re all a lot more understanding and nice when we know the score.  So wave it high and boldly.  It’s best if we can see you comin’!

Sucky Monday Re-Mix: You can’t go alone. Can you?

Back 40 Bathrooms!

Back 40 Bathrooms!

Oh, Monday, you’re an evil sort!  Oh, how we hate to see you coming, but rule #1, friends make everything better.  And girls, as you well know, you can’t go to the bathroom alone!  You gotta love it when things are set up for you that way. lol.

So how do you make your Monday better?  Well, they can’t fault you for having to take a little toilet break.  No matter that it might be an hour long or there might be more giggling than peeing.

And if you dare to venture in alone, are you a creature of habit?  Do you use the same one every time?  Or do you check your options and decide based on tissue or toilet cleanliness?  Hey, those are the real ponderings of a Monday morning.

So Happy Monday!  May it be a little unique, a little fun, a little bit funny, and worthy of a texted toilet photo.

l. #202 – it’s that time of year… so scream at the TV or pack your bags but get over it!

the calendar says it's spring

the calendar says it’s spring

So it’s that time of year where the winter doldrums haven’t quite faded even though it’s supposed to be spring. (You hear that, weather gods!!!  S-P-R-I-N-G.  SPRING!  Bring it!)  Here we are in the thick of being tired of winter and in dire need of a vacation (or at the very least a little grilling to avoid a few extra dishes).

I will be the first to admit that I sometimes struggle with depression, especially when I’m past ready for umbrella drinks in the sun!  I always hate this time of year because inevitably this is the time of year where everyone is officially sick of everyone else.  I swear it’s Lord of the Flies out there right now.  It’s every man for himself.  It’s that time of year where we go after other people in our state of anger instead of dealing with our own shit or just being silently jealous.  We roll our eyes at the mother who’s 4 children are stealing candy at Walmart.  We bite someone’s head off if they offer us chocolate because why did they not realize we were on a diet?  We hate on our co-worker because she got roses.  Um, yeah.

This is the time of year where others are rocking back and forth in catatonic states with their childhood teddy bear.  For me, this is the time I start to lay low or remind myself that at least my husband loves me.  I truly think this is a really tough time of year.  I hate when people turn on one another.  And believe me, I know I am guilty of the same.  I catch myself doing it and shame myself into trying to correct the problem.  As they say in AA, the first step is realizing you have a problem.  And when I do, I start fixing my mess.  Here’s how I do it:

*Amazingly enough, I don’t recommend excessive drinking, just so you know.  I do recommend yelling at the TV and cursing your Ohio State-ruined brackets instead.  Better the TV than some person who can hold it against you forever.

*Go outside.  Even if you have to grill in your parka or walk in your Carhaarts.  You gotta do what you gotta do.  There’s vitamins in that there sun even if it’s 30 degrees.

*Make vacation plans or fun-outing dates.  You need something to look forward to.  A baseball game in May, hotel reservations for your cousin’s wedding in June, a girls’ weekend to go shopping at the outlets, or a roadtrip to fish in Minnesota.  Just put something on the calendar that doesn’t involve work or your kids’ practice schedule.

*Check out some new music – fun, let’s-get-to-summer music.  I suggest Rum by the Brothers Osborne.  It’s a good place to start.

*Then, start making the world around you happier.  Make chocolate chip cookies with your kids.  Send a care package to your best friend.  Take flowers to your elderly neighbor.  Go to church with your mother.  I know I say this all the time, but the best way to feel better about yourself is to change someone else’s day.  Nothing makes me feel better when I’m hating the world than the world smiling back at me because I gave ‘em a donut.

 

Listen, I know how easy it is to bitch when the cards are stacked against you, and I’m not saying you shouldn’t bitch.  I’m just saying to be selective with whom you bitch to, and I’m saying that it’s better to be thankful than miserable.  There was a time in my life when I had a hard time remembering that, and I don’t ever want that for me or you again.

So when you get done lamenting, pick up your sad sack of a self and put some goodness (in the form of Reese’s peanut butter cups, Dairy Queen blizzards, Redd’s Ale, or your best crocheted doily) out into the world.

You’ll never regret it.

I never do…

Bolton’s Brief Rule #140: driveways, good men, and chocolate!

good men do

good men do

 

Listen, I know nobody wants to think about snow on the first day of spring, but the 30’s are near again, and I sure do like a man that knows his place…in the driveway and in the grocery store! :)

Sucky Monday Re-Mix: The Luck of the Irish… even on a Monday!

Rainbows and Lollipops!

Rainbows and Lollipops!

Sure, it’s Monday, but it won’t be a boring one!  They never are when green beer, leprechauns, and pots of gold are involved!  May your Monday be full of good times, good laughs, and pinching of the right people! :)

Happy Monday!  Happy St. Patty’s Day!

l. #201: Facebook guilt, Golfing, And Resolves – I ain’t as good as I once was

greeting card guilt

greeting card guilt

Have you ever had that epiphany where you realized you’re not as good as you used to be?  I find it happening to me a lot lately.  There’s lots of things:  golfing, swimming, sending greeting cards, taking care of people…  The list is so long I’m starting to wonder what the Hell I CAN still do well.. Well, besides post on Twitter and Facebook.  Ug.  How embarrassing is that?  Oh, sorry, I didn’t mail you a card or take you up on that round of golf, but no worries, I managed to read everyone’s posts on Facebook this week.  Woo-hoo!  Congratulations, me!

Okay, so if someone was drowning, the swimming would come back to me.  And in the real world as a non-businesswoman, I probably really don’t need to know how to golf that badly.  If anybody asks me to go, they probably really only want me to go for drinking purposes or to suck worse than they do anyway, so oh well.  But the greeting cards issue is where I feel kinda crappy, when did I quit making an effort to get cards sent for special occasions?  Sure, the internet makes it easier to send those well-wishes, but it seems like a lazy man’s way.  Then again, it’s cheaper.  It’s faster, and it doesn’t involve the postal system, so really it’s probably just the smart man’s way, but I still feel guilty.  I used to make that extra effort.  You know what I mean?

I’m sure some people would say that they’ve just gotten too busy for it (and they probably have with kids, longer work hours, etc), but what’s my excuse?  I got married?  Well, okay, he does take up a lot of my time. Lol. I guess it could be because I’m trying to have that whole second career as a writer and photographer thing?  Oh, yeah, maybe.  Is it that I’m just out of practice?  Or honestly, is it just a pure laziness and failure on my part to get the job done?  I’m leaning towards that.  So do I beat myself up for it or do I let it go?  Do you ever have that argument with yourself?  I seem to have it a lot.

cooler

I’d like to say I’m going to rectify the situation ASAP.  Unfortunately, I know myself well enough to know that I’m going to continue to be a sloth because it’s just easier to send a quick email or text.  Should I be giving up Facebook for Lent?  Probably.  Will I?  No (but I’m not Catholic so I get a “get out of jail free” card on that, right?).  Will you be heart-broken I didn’t get the Hallmark sent to ya?  I sure hope not.  I hate disappointing people, but if your dog dies or your mother-in-law comes to stay with you for 2 weeks, I promise to still make the effort to bring you alcoholic beverages.  And that’s the best advice I can give you:  you can’t always go back, but you can at least decide the minimum you can live with and go with it.

So my card stash is bound to get dusty, but the cooler is full and ready.  Let me know when you need it.

***

Anything you’ve quit doing lately?  Anything you struggle to get accomplished that gives you guilt?  Or is there anything you’re proud of not giving up on?  I wanna hear it.  Put it in the comments.

Bolton’s Brief Rule #139: thank yous and tookus kicking

brief rule 139

 

Hey, I’m a firm believer that the most well-liked people are those that remember to say “thank you.”  And we all have reasons to say a piece of thanks like when someone else loads the dishwasher, or they bring you chicken noodle soup when you’re sick, or tells prospective dates that your ex-boyfriend has mommy issues.  Always say thank you. :)


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