Do you hate swimsuit shopping? If you didn’t express a serious “no” then we may not be able to be friends. Ha ha. Now, it’s abundantly clear things are a little easier for you guys, but even you have to deal with designers thinking white and see-through and non-pocketed and ones that creep up the crotch are acceptable.
Don’t you wonder how they pick swimsuit designers? Normally, as you know, I try to have a positive message, but today, I have to vent. They’ve got me all riled up! And not one of you can argue with my reason for it: swimsuits! Ug!
It’s bad enough that I have to watch fashion designers try to make men look girly in scarves and that there’s this ridiculous trend of tapered pants when no one over the size of 8 looks good in them, but there’s a line I draw in the sand when I am relegated to drive to a foreign land to even find an underwire let alone something non-fuggly in the world of swimwear.
Let’s talk shitty ideas.
Shitty idea #1: Horizontal “Beef you up, Buttercup!” Stripes
Seriously? After all these years, everybody and their dog knows you don’t wear horizontal stripes unless you want to look larger. Horizontal stripes do not belong on chunky people like me. It pisses us off that anyone even considers putting them out there. In all truth, unless the horizontal stripes are on the boobs, even a size 2 does NOT want to look fatter! So, yes, brilliant plan to put stripes on almost every freaking bathing suit!
Shitty Idea #2: Boob Accessories.
Really? I’m pretty sure I don’t need a giant piece of metal between my boobs for them to get any attention. And it was an even better plan to put metal embellishments between my bosoms so that they can be burnt melons on a 100 degree day. Thank you. Apparently, scalding marks fit perfectly with the butterfly tattoos in the cleavage, huh?
Shitty Idea #3: Cinch sack sides.
Let me just say I’d love to meet the person who thought cinched in sides for bigger sizes was a good idea. Because as you can guess, there’s nothing we all want more than to force our bodies into a suit likening it somewhat to putting a pair of socks into a Pringles can. A little goes in but the harder you push, the more oozes out from somewhere else. Then again, maybe I look more like a Campbell’s Soup can – the label just sticks to the ripples harder when it gets wet. Yep, that sums it up.
Shitty Idea #4: Big Ass Floral Prints (and I do mean big ass)
If that’s not bad enough, I’m an even bigger fan of the gigantic floral print since of course my mindset is that if I’m already feeling large, there’s nothing I want more than to draw attention to myself like a clown at a funeral. That’s exactly what I was hoping for: big, colorful flowers to draw eyes to my shaking jelly. Beautiful.
Shitty Idea #5: Boob baggage.
And above all else, let’s not put underwire in swimwear. What a horrible idea. No need for anything more than a shelf-bra because why would a DD need a bra at a pool? Obviously, it’s a battle for who can sag the most. Every woman wants to look like she’s carrying around worn-out flour bags of quarters.
Tell me you don’t feel my pain! Tell me you haven’t stood in front of a mirror pale-legged and cursing the swim gods! We’ve all been there.
The good news is that although I’m pretty sure I could go on and on about this topic, at the end of the day, I guess it’s kinda like significant others: you only have to find one – the right one. So if you don’t hear from me for a while, assume I’m in somewhere between Nebraska and California in a store feeling up the swimsuits checking for underwire.
Hope you have better luck! I think it’s time for a drink… lol.