I love to watch graduations! Okay, maybe that sounds weird, but after all these years, that’s one of the few things that has held to tradition. Technology, bad parenting, and global warming have not changed it. No graduation is complete without a little pomp and circumstance (which truly makes it sound official), a shuffling single file line looking like they’re headed for their government cheese, the throwing of the mortar boards, and there’s always that fan with the air horn embarrassing their family member!
After 3 diplomas (that are collecting dust in my basement as we speak), I still love a bunch of supposedly intelligent people “dressing up” in robes, the funny guys that look like they’re naked underneath, wearing bowling shoes or flip-flops, the idea of a fresh start, and the messages on the top of mortarboards.
Yes, of all the things I love about graduation, I love the mortarboards most, probably because I so badly wanted to decorate mine and it was strongly discouraged. We did stupid high-5’s instead. Whatever.
Sure, there are basic ones like putting your name and year on it or some kind of farewell statement like “peace out.” There are Mickey Mouse ear ones, and I think one of my favorite ones I’ve seen was an aggie at Iowa State that made the top of his into a field and had a tractor and plow going across it. Very cool!
Go ahead and laugh, but I’ve actually pondered what I would put on mine. I’m sure my thought process has changed immensely since high school though. I have a feeling mine would have said something about friends in low places. Today, I think I might make my own out of duck tape or it might have a house of cards looking like it’s about to fall. I could go all GaGa on it and put a steak on it. If she can have a meat dress, I can have a meat hat, right? No Dr. Seuss caps for me or “Hire me!” shout-outs. I think I’d be more subtle like “Show me the $” or “The Farmer’s Daughter” or a simple “Count Me In!” Of course, I’m not above a “Take Me to Dinner!” or “Sup?” Then again, I think it would be funny to make it into a board game like Hungry Hippos or a 3-ring circus perfectly fit for my life.
But I’m betting mine wouldn’t be the most noticed, you know there would be that guy who realizes he should put a naked chick on his or Rodney Carrington’s “Show them to me!”
So in honor of decorated mortarboards everywhere (and my nephew graduating this weekend), I need to know what was on yours?
Or what you would put on yours if you had it to do all over again?
Or if you’ve recently graduated from the school of hard knocks or from the 24-35 age group or whatever you’ve “earned a degree in” – what are you sportin’ on your tasseled cardboard?
Do you hate swimsuit shopping? If you didn’t express a serious “no” then we may not be able to be friends. Ha ha. Now, it’s abundantly clear things are a little easier for you guys, but even you have to deal with designers thinking white and see-through and non-pocketed and ones that creep up the crotch are acceptable.
Don’t you wonder how they pick swimsuit designers? Normally, as you know, I try to have a positive message, but today, I have to vent. They’ve got me all riled up! And not one of you can argue with my reason for it: swimsuits! Ug!
It’s bad enough that I have to watch fashion designers try to make men look girly in scarves and that there’s this ridiculous trend of tapered pants when no one over the size of 8 looks good in them, but there’s a line I draw in the sand when I am relegated to drive to a foreign land to even find an underwire let alone something non-fuggly in the world of swimwear.
Let’s talk shitty ideas.
Shitty idea #1: Horizontal “Beef you up, Buttercup!” Stripes
Seriously? After all these years, everybody and their dog knows you don’t wear horizontal stripes unless you want to look larger. Horizontal stripes do not belong on chunky people like me. It pisses us off that anyone even considers putting them out there. In all truth, unless the horizontal stripes are on the boobs, even a size 2 does NOT want to look fatter! So, yes, brilliant plan to put stripes on almost every freaking bathing suit!
Shitty Idea #2: Boob Accessories.
Really? I’m pretty sure I don’t need a giant piece of metal between my boobs for them to get any attention. And it was an even better plan to put metal embellishments between my bosoms so that they can be burnt melons on a 100 degree day. Thank you. Apparently, scalding marks fit perfectly with the butterfly tattoos in the cleavage, huh?
Shitty Idea #3: Cinch sack sides.
Let me just say I’d love to meet the person who thought cinched in sides for bigger sizes was a good idea. Because as you can guess, there’s nothing we all want more than to force our bodies into a suit likening it somewhat to putting a pair of socks into a Pringles can. A little goes in but the harder you push, the more oozes out from somewhere else. Then again, maybe I look more like a Campbell’s Soup can – the label just sticks to the ripples harder when it gets wet. Yep, that sums it up.
Shitty Idea #4: Big Ass Floral Prints (and I do mean big ass)
If that’s not bad enough, I’m an even bigger fan of the gigantic floral print since of course my mindset is that if I’m already feeling large, there’s nothing I want more than to draw attention to myself like a clown at a funeral. That’s exactly what I was hoping for: big, colorful flowers to draw eyes to my shaking jelly. Beautiful.
Shitty Idea #5: Boob baggage.
And above all else, let’s not put underwire in swimwear. What a horrible idea. No need for anything more than a shelf-bra because why would a DD need a bra at a pool? Obviously, it’s a battle for who can sag the most. Every woman wants to look like she’s carrying around worn-out flour bags of quarters.
Tell me you don’t feel my pain! Tell me you haven’t stood in front of a mirror pale-legged and cursing the swim gods! We’ve all been there.
The good news is that although I’m pretty sure I could go on and on about this topic, at the end of the day, I guess it’s kinda like significant others: you only have to find one – the right one. So if you don’t hear from me for a while, assume I’m in somewhere between Nebraska and California in a store feeling up the swimsuits checking for underwire.
Hope you have better luck! I think it’s time for a drink… lol.
It totally happened! Finally! I stayed up too late. I rolled outta bed to sunshine, the weekend, and warm weather! Hello, good times!
I have that excited, unsettled, I-might-actually-have-a-date-with-a-cute-boy feeling over the belief that I may have shaved my legs for a good reason! My white fat is going to be tan fat! Woo-hoo!
And even better, we are a short few days away from May Day, one of my absolute favorite holidays! I love the onset of summer! I love surprising people with unexpected food or drinks or gifts or the knowledge that I actually give a shit about them! Yee-haw!
Yes, clearly, I am pumped! This was the winter that became the same song, second verse, it doesn’t get better, it just gets worse! Ug. I am ready to find me some Vitamin D, baby! Bring on the ice cream cones, the flip flops, and the sun!
And while you’re at it, bring on a few May Day surprises for your friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, and your spouse or children – yes, don’t forget them! They count!
So you’re sayin’ you need ideas? No problem. Hopefully, you’ve checked out my throwback posts from prior years, and if you have and those weren’t enough, no worries – I have fresh ideas to add to the pile!
It’s time to get your Pinterest on! When all else fails, type in May Day and scan the creative projects! But if you’re too lazy, I still have some options:
How ‘bout adding some game apps, itunes, or reading material to your kid’s ipod or your spouse’s tablet?
(Please note my shameless self-promotion as your kid might like my 20-day countdown verse novella to summer vacation you can buy here!)
Or you can go backwoods redneck and drop off a “redneck ice bucket” to the guys in your life (tell me a beer in an iced cottage cheese container is not hysterical). Guarantee not one of them will complain about a cold adult beverage, no matter how it’s packaged!
Or maybe you know a diva? Or 10? Nothing will make May Day better than crowning her with her very own May Day tiara!
Have a friend with kids? Put a coupon to babysit on their doorstep and you might find yourself being mugged instead of a mere hug over that one!
Still not satisfied? Fine. Take it up a notch, but you might have to spend a couple of bucks. Recycle the old Easter basket (aka get it off the steps to the attic). Fill it with chocolate chip cookies for the sweet tooth, packets of seeds for the gardener, golf balls for the mad putter down the street, can koozies for the drinker, nail polish for the girly girls, or microwave popcorn and Easy Mac for the non-cooker on your list.
Heck, you can even take the easy way out and simply send a YouTube video or an e-card ala Hallmark. It still counts.
I, myself, have been too busy coming up with ideas for you and have not a clue what I’ll be bestowing upon people, but I wager it may or may not involve chocolate or alcohol. Just sayin’.
So, break out the fun. Break out the baskets. Let’s get this May Day party started!
P.S. – If you haven’t already joined my facebook May Day Renegade party, you should! Go here.
P.S.S. – Got some other good ideas to share. Put in the comments below.
Happy May Day!
As I heard more than one writer remark, it’s hard to post after tragedies: I realized nothing seemed appropriate to post after a week of Boston, West, Texas, and crime scenes in front of my school, but you know what? I’d rather laugh than cry. It may be difficult, but here we are… And who will boldly go there when no one else will? Me. Yes, I’m that dumbass.
There’s an Emile Zola quote, “If you ask me what I came into this world to do, I will tell you: I came to live out loud.” Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe all of us good people aren’t living out loud.
See, here’s the thing: we hear all this media about the riff-raff-trashy-ass-piece-of-shit people in the world, but what about the rest of us? I look through the names on my Facebook list and most of you are pretty kick-ass-fabulous people. Possibly it’s because many of you grew up in small Midwestern towns where your parents raised you right or possibly there are a lot of freaking good people that just don’t get the press.
I mean, you don’t hear a lot of rap songs about
“She be readin’ them Facebook posts.
Drinking her coffee and eatin’ on toast.
Checkin’ on her list of DVR’d shows
and makin’ me some taters an’ roast!”
Perhaps it doesn’t have the same approach as
“I be slappin’ her silly and
she still chasin’ my willy
so I put a cap in her ass
and she be changin’ up real fast.”
But guess what? I’d rather live next door to coffee girl…and I do. (I hope!)
I’m guessing that pretty much all of my readers are surrounded by some pretty wonderful people – people who go to work every day, take out their garbage, coach little league, take flowers to their grandmas, open doors for the person after them, share their cookies at lunch, and pay their taxes (however whore-house-high they are). I’ll be the first to say that things aren’t the way they used to be, but there are still a shitload of people who listen to country music for the sentiment, arrive promptly to church every Sunday, and invite the neighbors over for a barbecue (or at the very least only scream at their family when they step on a Lego for the 95th time. Lol).
So maybe it’s time for all of us to Live out Loud. Maybe it’s time for us to start putting it out there – all the good things we see other people do, all the paying-it-forward moments we have, and the Proud-to-be-an-American Lee Greenwood feelings. Good people do things quietly. Bad people do bad things to make people notice. I’m ready to make people notice good people. My biggest belief is that the best way to combat bad situations is by doing good. Good for the people around you. Good for people you don’t know. Good for your heart.
You’ll be hearing from me later this week. For all of you who liked The Blessed Turkey Project and the Love-Fest, I’ve got a Facebook party for you and we’re gonna rock the Good People of the World Brownie Award! Until then, put up your flags, say a prayer, dance in your kitchen, take the kids to the park, and live out loud.
Okay, so we all know a screw-up, or a cray-cray, or he’s-not-related-to-me-I-swear, and as much as we want to save them, fix them, or clean up after them, we’re only going to dig ourselves deeper into the batshit hole and nobody needs that! Keep your first aid kit tucked away for when you do actually see blood. Just sayin’.
It’s Prom season and I can’t help but think about the old days. It’s funny to me what we remember and what we’ve blocked out to avoid seeking psychiatric help. It’s even funnier to me to listen to parents tell their kids that prom doesn’t matter when we all know we were horrified to hear that come out of our own parents’ mouths! Plus, I call “bullshit” on that statement. It does matter. I guarantee if you wore a ruffly tux and had a mullet, people have revived the pictures on Facebook! We all remember – good or bad. Am I right? Let’s see.
Q: What did you wear to prom?
My A: Junior year, I wore a hot pink and purple dress that I bought at Worth’s that became Vanity in Mall of the Bluffs for $15. I then received a very large photo of it on my locker the next week as apparently somebody was shocked…or appalled. Not sure which. Lol. Senior year, my mom made my dark green and white dress because everything else was too flowery. (And yes, I still avoid flowers!)
Q: Who’d you go to prom with?
My A: Junior year, I went with my two best female friends at school – Jennifer and Julie. Senior year, I went with the best guy I knew at that point in my life (besides my dad), Brad. (He may or may not have taken pity on me and I’m okay with that!)
Q: What was the theme?
My A: As a junior, it was Medieval Nights. I still have the t-shirt to prove it. Lol. Senior year: Ummm…. Somebody out there tell me. All I know is that it wasn’t Hippos on Parade or Redneck Dance Party (which I would have totally been down with, of course!)
Q: What was someone else wearing?
My A: Jenny wore a strapless dress with feathers around the top and Cecily made her own “scandalous” dress with skin showing between her breasts. Sorry, Cec, that was pretty big for small town America. Lol. My sister told me that her friend, Dave, wore a powder blue tux! I will not reference Dumb and Dumber as it was pre-movie and I like Dave. Lol.
Q: What keepsakes did you get?
My A: I got t-shirts both years and one year, thanks to the guy running the table at After Prom Casino Night (who is now my brother-in-law) I also won a microwave for college. My room stunk of hot dogs, mac and cheese, and popcorn most of freshman year thanks to that thing!
Q: What’s your favorite geek-transformed-into-beautiful person high school movie?
My A: Probably going to have to go with Pretty in Pink. Everyone should have a Blane. (It’s not an appliance – lol)
Final Question: What would you do differently?
My A: Wear high heels or flip-flops like the girls do now. Too bad I didn’t realize I wasn’t fat back then. Oh, or I may have hijacked my husband. Ha ha.
Okay, so tell me you aren’t having flashbacks and tell me it’s not important. You can’t. Why else do they have all those second-chance proms and 80’s Prom musicals? Exactly.
Ferris was right: Life moves pretty fast, it’s okay to stop and watch the Grand Marche with a few flashbacks from yesteryear. You don’t want to miss it.
And now you need to share those memories! Put your answers in the comment section so we can all relive them with you! Feel free to post pics, too! Or if you have an extra little dish about your prom, we’ll take that, too! We love a good laugh!