Humorous thoughts on adulthood – thank goodness for chocolate, drinks, friends, and duck tape!

Tag Archives: television

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It’s a funny thing that we all spout off about how we’re sooo busy and we can’t fit in another thing, and yet we fill out those NCAA basketball brackets and low and behold, we suddenly have endless time to watch every game!  Not only do we watch the games, but we take time to post on Facebook about it and stalk the other people we are competing against in our brackets.  But you need a cake for the church luncheon?  Sorry.  Can’t pencil it in!

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not judging.  I’m right there with ya.  It’s funny to me that I have no relevant win factor if I do well on my brackets and yet, I am devastated when one of my teams is out.  But does it change the fact that I scream at the TV and hide my eyes behind a pillow in the last seconds of a tight game?  No.

March Madness is about you and me taking a break from our own reality to watch kids from every small town on the planet prove that hard work and determination will get you there.  It’s about believing in Cinderella moments and dancing with the big boys.  It’s about cheering for the underdog, the one in all of us.  Okay, so maybe it’s about winning some money in the office pool or a good excuse for going out for beers with the boys, too.  But it still counts.  For a few weeks, we get to spend some time talking about Eagles, Tarheels, Cyclones, and Bluejays instead of work, the insurmountable increase in taxes, and the crappy ass weather.  For a brief time, we can relive our own college days and watch kids in neon outfits with unexhausted energy live dreams that make our alma-matres known and proud.

Sure, I’ve often thought the brackets would be a lot more fun if we applied them to people’s dating lives, kinds of beer, and pizza toppings, but at the end of the day, I’m pretty sure we’re really just watching for that kid in us that wants an underdog to win, or a hard worker to score that last shot, or maybe even a coach to get his due after grueling years of being blamed instead of acclaimed.  We all want those moments.  It’s just some people get them…and some people don’t…

As they said on the Wide World of Sports:  it’s the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat.  Maybe we’re all just happy to watch some basketball where that’s the case, where not everybody gets a participation ribbon and a rub on the head.  Maybe we like it because that’s how the real world works.  Sometimes you win.  Sometimes you get your ass kicked. And sometimes, you sit in the stands with your red and gold finger screaming for the home team because, well, that’s what you’re good at… or you fail miserably at your bracket picks and just cheer for the upset to screw everyone else.  And, you know what?  That’s how the real world works, too!

So shh…I won’t tell that you didn’t go to the cub scout meeting to watch the game as long as you promise not to tell that my TV may or may not be on during dish washing time.

Go jays!  Go clones!  And quick, I think you can get that next load in during the commercial!

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Who doesn’t love surprises?  Okay, so I know there are some stodgy, cranky-ass people out there, but how can you not love a surprise?  As long as it’s not the bad kind of surprise like hey, guess who got preggo with the mailman’s baby?  Or hey, guess what?  You get to move to North Korea for the next 2 years!  But when it’s the good kind, how can you not be happy about the unexpected?

Like for instance, who isn’t happy about a surprise snow day?  Kids love to sleep in.  Plowwers get some extra cash.  Teachers get a break from reality.  And the weathermen who screwed up get to be all geeky and nerdy on TV every hour updating us.  Well, and of course, you get to spend some quality bonding with your family.  (Yes, I know for some of you that begs a question of whether you can keep your sanity but some of you will be more than happy to sled, bake refrigerator cookies, and snuggle up in a blanket watching TV.)

The simple fact is that with all our Doppler radars, computer models, and weather gurus, the weather still happens just as it damn well pleases.  And sometimes, I think it’s our little reminder to breathe in and breathe out.  Personally, I love a day that the world shuts down and the only expectation is that I will curl up in my house and bury myself away for the day.  That’s a surprise I’m always willing to take.

Then again, I’ll pretty much take any good surprise.  You want to tell me I won the lottery, got a book deal, have a hot cinnamon roll delivery, earned a day off of work, or my husband did all the laundry?  Okay, I’m down with that!!  Sometimes, I think we forget to get excited.  (And I didn’t mean that kind of “excited.”  I’m sure you remember how to do that!)  We forget to let those little things make the day fun and worthy of celebrating.  Too often we’re thinking instead of scooping the driveway, who we are going to have to share our cinnamon roll with, which piece of our clothing is now pink, or how we are going to fit that test in with one less day.  We have almost trained ourselves to find a reason to look the gift horse in the mouth.  And I don’t know about you but some horses have some pretty bad breath so why get up in their grill???

My husband laughs at me when I get giddy about snow.  Others laugh that I’m happy about a coupon for surf and turf at Outback or that I get to wear jeans to school for a week.  It’s the little things, people. Maybe you aren’t supposed to sweat the small stuff but you shouldn’t just pine for the big stuff either. The little victories and moments count…especially when they come in the form of a surprise.

So here’s to a blizzard out our front doors.  May it bring a well-deserved post-Daylight Savings Time nap and a batch of semi-homemade cookies!


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So it’s that time of year again…that time where I get older…and supposedly wiser.  It happens to all of us, and I guess that’s why I don’t feel so bad, because we’re all in the boat together…sinking as it may be…we’re together!

 

If I had to guess, I’d bet you aren’t so thrilled with that whole aging process thing, unless you’re like my husband and can’t wait to wear your pants pulled up to your chest and eat early-bird specials on the cheap.  Hey, if it works for ya, more power to ya.

 

I’m a big believer in reflecting as each new year approaches.  My view has changed over the years, but a few standards remain the same.  My mom always reminds me that aging beats the alternative.  And she’s right.  At my age, I can admit when she’s right even if I couldn’t at 16.  The other thing I’ve realized is that my life gets better with age.  I was not the high school prom queen.  I only had room to move up! Lol.

 

Sure, we’d all like to avoid the wrinkles, the salt and pepper hairs, the muscles that don’t always work like they used to, and the tough times with the people in our lives, but what about the cool shit we’ve seen?

 

It used to baffle me when I thought about how our grandparents saw the birth of indoor plumbing and cars and the TV and how, at 90+, they can’t even fathom how email works, but now I just think it’s freaking cool!  There are those moments when you realize you saw what others haven’t.  I realized this when a young teacher friend of mine wanted to know what a word processor was.  I laughed.  I’m old, but I knew the answer.

 

Just think:  most of you, my fellow readers, were around for the birth of the modern day computer, the remote control, the internet, and of course, Saved by the Bell!  We owned the first Michael Jackson albums.  Yes, albums.  And we will remember to be patriotic because of 9/11.  We know where we were.  We know how scared we were, and we know to never forget.  We have stories to tell.

 

My dad tells a story about a couple he and my mom used to play cards with and how they had a pinochle stand-off.  The couple has since passed away.  He tells it over and over again like that song you listened to when you broke up with that bf/gf you were going to love forever.  It used to annoy me that he told the story repeatedly.  Now I love to listen to him tell it.

 

There are little moments that become important because of who was there, what brought you happiness, what made you proud, or gave you a different perspective.  Nothing brings me more happiness than knowing I have stories to tell…

 

If you ask me in my rocking chair about my favorite stories, they will be about the little, unexpected moments like getting caught in a tornado at Wisconsin State Fair or my grandpa telling me that cucumbers would kill me.  It’s the little moments, the behind-the-scenes of daily living that make up my many years, and although the number on the cake reminds me I should have accomplished more, it’s not without its moments.  Moments that may have included you.  Moments that will hopefully get us through the hard times, all of which are more important than a number on a cake…

 

 

(Of course if it’s a chocolate or Reese’s Brownie Royale cake then it does make it better…lol.)


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I’ll say it.  What happened in Connecticut scares the crap out of me, and it probably did you, too.  No, I’m not a parent, although I parent every day as a teacher and if you asked me to raise your child, I would.  Normally, I refrain from commenting about anything in teaching so I don’t get fired, but today, well, today I have something to say.

If we don’t want our kids to grow up worrying someone will kill them or be the one that kills others, please consider these things:

Please spend time with your kids.  I know you have to work tons to pay for them, but if you quit trying to buy them Jordans and make them do chores to earn a couple of bucks, they will learn the value of a dollar and be proud when they pay their own way through college.  Yes, I speak from experience and yes, I thought it sucked as a kid, but I can assure you I’ve killed no one, and I give my parents endless credit for making me who I am.

Secondly, please expect things of your children.  Expect them to learn their times tables, to do chores around the house, to open doors for the elderly, and say please and thank you.  If they don’t, don’t give them privileges like movies, skating, or their phones.  You can even take things away like their favorite TV show, their xbox, or their favorite hoodie if you have to.  Don’t give in because it’s easier for you, and don’t send them to their room if it holds a phone, a TV, an Xbox, a DVR, and a computer.  That’s not punishment.  That’s a reward and a chance to avoid communication with adults from whom they should be gaining knowledge and common sense.

Oh, and please don’t give in to your children because you want them to like you.  They are not supposed to be your friend.  They are your kid.  You are supposed to be their parent.  Sometimes, they won’t like you.  That means you’re doing your job correctly, but if you kiss them goodnight or say you love them every day, they’ll get the message that you love them but you are one who makes the rules, not them.  No kid should be deciding what the family eats, watches on TV, or spends the family money on unless it’s their freaking birthday and you allowed it.

Finally, you have the toughest job in the world.  You have to raise a decent human being in a world that is not so decent.  It is not a simple task, but if you do not want to be the one grieving or apologizing, it is your time to stand up and put kids first.  If you don’t know how to do that, ask me or ask someone whose children seem to have it together.  If you’re doing all these things already and are just sick to your stomach at the world your kids are seeing, then pass this on and hug your kids one more time tonight.

My prayers to all those who have to deal with situations such as this and for those that can help avoid more.

Amen.


So, I’m all for the rest of you having your pumpkin spiced whatevers, your warm cuddly college football parties, and your endless hours of watching leaves fall.  Go at it!  But when it comes to autumn, there’s really only one thing that makes a summer girl like me happy:  new fall TV shows.

Yes, I said it.  Yes, I’m that person turning fatter and dumber by the day because I am an obsessive TV watcher.  Here’s the thing.  I’ve been seeing all your Facebook posts and tweets.  You’re right there with me!  We all have our addictions.  For some, it’s Downtown Abbey and for others, it’s NCIS or NFL Countdown. (count us in for either of the latter!)  And that’s okay.  We are who we are!

So what are you watching?  Of the new shows, I will admit I’ve only added one to my line-up.  (The list was already pretty heavy.  Thought I better not add to it, or my husband would never get supper again and I’d be out of sick days at work in no time at all!)  What was my flavor de mois?  The Mindy Project.  Seemed funny and had that Ally McBeal quality.  Although I’m no longer single, you can’t beat single girl humor.  So far, it’s pretty good.  However, my father informed me that I am off the deep end if I do not start watching Vegas.  Good to know, Dad, good to know.  So what am I not watching that I should be watching?  Well, if my dad can tell me what I’m doing wrong, feel free to jump on the bandwagon.

Just realize that it’s not that I’m opposed to all the new shows, but to quote my husband’s comedic routine, “I just ain’t got time!”  Am I the only loser with this problem?  You can’t tell me I’m the only one who has to have her Big Bang fix, her Tim Gunn make-it-work moments, and her musical hour of Glee, right?  Okay, so your list might be more like CSI Miami and Parks and Rec, but you know what I’m talkin’ about.  And please tell me that I’m not the only one who is sitting on the edge of her seat awaiting the day in the last season of How I Met your Mother that they will show me who the Hell was under that damn yellow umbrella!  Plus, there’s that whole thing about wanting to see if the broke girls will get their cupcake money and if Fi and Michael Weston will recover after his brother’s death.  Oh, the sagas.

But Houston, we have a problem.  It’s called DVR maintenance!  Our DVR is dangerously close to capacity.  Anybody else having this problem?  I hear rumor that most people kick off their children’s shows like the 45 episodes of Scooby Doo and Phineas and Ferb, but the “child” in my house has a holy hissy fit if I ditch Cajun Pawn Stars or the 30 old episodes of Two and a Half Men that he has memorized by title.  For the love of all things cinematic, we have to figure out a way to manage our DVR situation.  98% leaves us in a panic far more concerning to us than tornado season.  (And no, I’m not kidding.  Tornadoes?  Where?  Let me know when it gets here so I can take a picture.  DVR’s at 98%?  Oh no, what are you deleting???)

Thank goodness for cable shows that replay episodes a couple of hours later or there would be blood-shed in our house.  We’ve pondered jousting for DVR control or pillow fights of WWE-like moves, but ended up wii bowling for it instead.  I just wonder how other people handle these serious matters when they have more people in the house.  Oh, the drama that must be incurred.  So what do you do?  Is it water pistols at sundown?  Is it under the table bribery of your children so you can DVR Honey Boo-Boo?  Or does it mean, God forbid, you have to watch it live with commercials so you can watch your show?  I just gotta know.  Bring it on.


It’s only fair that if the girls get a turn, the guys should, too!  So not only is this for all the guys out there, but it’s especially for the girls out there with significant others that maybe need an old man name instead of the pet names we give them like Dumb Ass, Cave Man, Moron Brain, and, of course, Cuddlekins, because they can’t all be Christian Grey and hopefully not Homer Simpson, either. Lol.

Now, you can’t all be fraternity boys, but you can all be Flounders!  So as rush chairman, let me give you your Delta Ki name…

*Stereotypical personality type label your friends would give you that you are willing to admit for the sake of a proper grandpa name

I now pronounce you to be…

Do you willingly admit that you will get called a dirty old man in a matter of a few years (or now)?

Oscar, don’t leave your Maxims on the coffee table, please!

Are you Mr. Outdoorsy guy – hunter, fisher, sportsman, or all of the above?

Hit the road, Gus!

Could it be that you are the epitome of Sports Man – do you eat, breathe, talk sports while couch coaching or taking part in the action (if your knees still allow it – lol)?

If I could be like Ike!

Do you consider yourself to be a simple man with 2 pairs of shoes, an easy chair, and a big screen TV?

Stanley, did you really order pizza again?

Is there any chance that you are the pretty boy with large amounts of product and is sexy and he knows it walking out the door?

Let’s call it Morris gets a Mullet.

Are you the funny one with a joke for every occasion and a smile on your face when somebody bites it on a banana peel?

Barney, don’t make us have to remind you we’re “all one happy fam-i-ly”

Are you the token good guy left – responsible, loving, hard-working, and driving a woody wagon (the family car, not the upright phallic one)?

Good trip, Clark, good trip.

Do you show your artistic side- writer, painter, guitar-player, wood-crafter, candle-stick maker?

Although, you think it’s ironic, you might wanna new t-shirt, Eugene.  Your prom was 18 years ago.

Do they call you when there’s a get-it-fixed, get ‘er done situation?

There’s nobody like handyman Harold to the rescue!

Do you dare to admit you are still a cave man raging against women and new-fangled technology?

Dwayne, let me introduce you to Siri and the 19th Amendment.

Is life a serious game in which you will be #WINNING at your job, at your hobby, and in your perfect yard?

Gilbert, you missed a spot.

Are you known to play Mr. Mom, clean the house, or make supper without using a grill?

Louis, your duck confit is to die for!

Are you the wild man still able to drink everybody under the table, climb a mountain in a snowstorm, or drag-race teenagers?

Burt, you’re one mid-life crisis away from an ex-wife and a convertible.

Do they call you a man of few words, quite happy if no one bothers you so you can just get your job done and head home to the TV and bed?

Just listening is a good plan, because yes, Orville, all women are crazy.

Are you ready to go clubbing, or at least to a drunken golf outing with scantily clad beer wenches?

Oh, Ralph, you’re the life of the party, aren’t you?  Just remember not to live up to your name!

Does the car/truck make the man?

Oh, Stuart, we refuse to say it “porsh-ah”

Are you somewhere between Larry the Cable Guy and Charlie Harper where’s life a joke and the $ keeps a rollin’ in?

Ready to roadtrip to Vegas, Walter?

Are you the Rico Suave type flirting to get a beer, a raise, or a date?

Floyd, keep it in your pants!

Do you identify with Tim the toolman Taylor?

No, Horace, you don’t need a dual exhaust on your Thunderbird.

Is it good to be king of the castle or at least pretend to be when you are surrounded by women at all times?

Our sympathies, Silas.

Does the term “what happens in fight club stays in fight club” reflect your motto on life?

Gordon, there’s this little thing called YouTube.  Hate to tell ya there are no secrets, buddy.

Is Redneck considered a state of mind and a way of life?

Art, we don’t keep PBR on hand.  Sorry.

 

Okay, boys, you know how this works:  be sure to post your new old man names on my blog and on your facebook page when you share the quiz with your friends!  And ladies, I can’t wait to hear what your husband should have been birthed as!

 

*Disclaimer:  No men were meant to be insulted in the making of this blog.  However, none should be girly enough to admit they’re offended anyway!


OMG!  Did anybody else catch the new show, Take Me Out, on Fox Thursday night?  Watching it, I was officially dumbfounded, or maybe just dumb – I think I might have lost brain cells in the viewing process.  But, people, you must experience this show!  Get the DVRs set for next week!  I say this not because it’s a wealth of information or because it will cause you to have a major life epiphany.  Oh no, I say this because it’s like watching a hairy butt-cracked man dance for money on a street corner.  It’s a train wreck you have to behold with your own eyes!

Were you a child of Love Connection, the Dating Game, the Newlywed Game, or even MTV’s Singled Out?  Did you secretly watch them when you were supposed to be doing something productive like homework or fixing supper for the family?  I’m pretty sure I know a few people that shall remain nameless that caught the late night episodes post-Thirsty Thursdays.  Well, if you are one of the ones that shall remain nameless (but only because I’m discreet), you have to check this shit out.

First off, they have the Flirty 30.  I kid you not.  It consists of 30 females licking their lips (not sure if that’s in wait for their prey or if it’s to make their lipgloss look plumper).  And for the record, they look like the nail polish counter at Target.  All shined up and in every shade of every flavor.  Although, it did appear all of the “girls” (I use that term loosely) were expected to have long hair and short skirts (straight out of that Cake song).  And, get this, if they’re not “turned on” they are supposed to turn off their lights after they see the guy come off the “Love Lift” (that is the sum total of round one – LOOKING AT HIM! – oh, and he gets to pick the song he dances out of the gates to, but that’s it)!

The first guy up to bat had 25 girls attracted to him, but then he admitted to hunting in the second round and packing his own healthy lunches for work in the 3rd round and they all ditched on him, but the sleazy guy who wiggled out to Sexy and I know it who stripped to his silver speedo made it further than the first guy.  And the crying, tattooed, ear-ringed, mo-hawk guy that performs in Stomp year-round actually got to pick which date he wanted making it through all the rounds. The fascinating part is that the women basically weed themselves out and only at the end does the guy get to pick if there’s more than one still offering to go out with him.

Just the logic of the girls alone made me laugh my ass off.  One girl, Misty, Mitzy, Minka, Mindy something or other didn’t pick the hunter guy because she was afraid he’d shoot her “3 kitty cats:  Tiddly Winks, Stormy Clouds, and Baby Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow.”  Really?  You turned off your light?  Pretty sure there weren’t any lights on because there’s nobody home there!  Trust me that guy did the lucky dance on that one!

However, my absolute favorite part is that the girls stay on the show until they find a guy to be matched up with!  I don’t know about you, but my morbid curiosity is asking which girl is still on come Christmas because she’s picky or because none of the guys like her.  She’s going to have to have like a million different whore-factor 10 dresses in her repertoire just to be on the show that long!  And what’s George Lopez going to be saying to her by week 35?  If he hasn’t run out of rhymes for turn on and love at first sight by then, she will have heard ‘em all!

At the end of the day, there is one lesson to be learned from this show:  BE EFFING THANKFUL if you are in a relationship that you do not have to shoe-shine your legs, giggle, or err on the side of stupid to get a date anymore!  And guys, be thankful that you don’t have to rely on one of the dull crayons in the box of 30 to re-finance your house or raise your children.  And if you are single, please consult me before agreeing to go on this show!  That’s all…

(unless you’d like to place your bet on who will still be there come Christmas)