Humorous thoughts on adulthood – thank goodness for chocolate, drinks, friends, and duck tape!

Tag Archives: relationships



Yep.  That sums it up.  Keep your sheets tidy and life tidier.  Well, unless you’re rolling in the sheets, but we won’t go there. 🙂


So, sometimes, it takes a man… (Okay, for that, too, but that wasn’t what I was referring to!)  Am I the only one that has things not work for me, but the minute a man is involved, it works perfectly???

Ladies, have you noticed that your kids can be horrible, screaming, other-people’s-children and the second dad walks in the door they’re angels from on high?  What about when you want to open the pickle jar lid?  You tap it against the countertop.  You get the jar gripper.  You hold it with your knees and twist with both hands and grit your teeth.  Nothing.  Then you hand the jar to a man and it pops in 2 seconds.  Does this sound at all familiar?

Am I the only one that has this happen?

Here’s how my life plays out.  Tell me if you’ve been on either side.

Exhibit A:  Our toilet isn’t flushing properly.  (Yes, I’m aware you probably didn’t want to know that, but if I had to deal with it, so do you.)  As is the logical solution, I plunged it.  I plunged it again and again about 6 times throughout 2 days.  No luck.  I take off the lid to see if anything’s broken, leaking, or generally effed up.  Nothing.  Next plan of attack:  call the hubs’ best friend to fix it.  He shows up.  Magically, with 2 more plunges, it works.

Exhibit B:  I have students that are supposed to go into a program on a cd on the computer.  We click on the cd.  We keep re-trying for 15 minutes.  I tell the kids to wait while I go get my work hubs.  He literally walks up to the computer, doesn’t even touch it, and again, magically it starts.  EVERY EFFING TIME!

Exhibit C:  It is common knowledge among the family that the second my dad leaves the farm, everything will fall apart.  The cows that normally are generous enough to stay in on the honor system practically do a jig down the road the minute my dad’s truck leaves the driveway.  Not to mention that if a cow is going to calve, she’ll wait till he’s gone, it’s 5 below zero, and we were planning on having control of the remote for once.  But the minute he pulls back in the drive, I swear they throw their party hats away till the next time.  That’s just how it works!

Why the Hell is that????  Why is it that sometimes you just have to have a man to get the job done?  All I can figure is that it’s that whole damsel-in-distress-needing-a-knight-in-shining-armor deal.  But then I think it can’t be that because I’ve never been much of a “damsel” and I haven’t seen a lot of armor in the neighborhood either.  (feminists everywhere are probably cringing as we speak)

So guys, what’s your secret????  How do you get things to work when we had absolutely no success at all?  Is it God’s way of making sure we keep you around?  I don’t know.  I’m completely baffled.

However, I’ve realized that sometimes I am one drill bit hole away from being screwed, and I guess if a man can walk in the room and get the wood where I wanted, well then, I’m on board.  (pun fully intended)  Because, if at the end of the day my toilet is flushing, the cd is playing, and no bulls have hung themselves, I will be damn happy about it.  I am woman enough to admit that as long as the result is how I want it, I will simply shake my head in dismay and say “thank you.”

So thank you, gentleman, one and all.

OMG!  Did anybody else catch the new show, Take Me Out, on Fox Thursday night?  Watching it, I was officially dumbfounded, or maybe just dumb – I think I might have lost brain cells in the viewing process.  But, people, you must experience this show!  Get the DVRs set for next week!  I say this not because it’s a wealth of information or because it will cause you to have a major life epiphany.  Oh no, I say this because it’s like watching a hairy butt-cracked man dance for money on a street corner.  It’s a train wreck you have to behold with your own eyes!

Were you a child of Love Connection, the Dating Game, the Newlywed Game, or even MTV’s Singled Out?  Did you secretly watch them when you were supposed to be doing something productive like homework or fixing supper for the family?  I’m pretty sure I know a few people that shall remain nameless that caught the late night episodes post-Thirsty Thursdays.  Well, if you are one of the ones that shall remain nameless (but only because I’m discreet), you have to check this shit out.

First off, they have the Flirty 30.  I kid you not.  It consists of 30 females licking their lips (not sure if that’s in wait for their prey or if it’s to make their lipgloss look plumper).  And for the record, they look like the nail polish counter at Target.  All shined up and in every shade of every flavor.  Although, it did appear all of the “girls” (I use that term loosely) were expected to have long hair and short skirts (straight out of that Cake song).  And, get this, if they’re not “turned on” they are supposed to turn off their lights after they see the guy come off the “Love Lift” (that is the sum total of round one – LOOKING AT HIM! – oh, and he gets to pick the song he dances out of the gates to, but that’s it)!

The first guy up to bat had 25 girls attracted to him, but then he admitted to hunting in the second round and packing his own healthy lunches for work in the 3rd round and they all ditched on him, but the sleazy guy who wiggled out to Sexy and I know it who stripped to his silver speedo made it further than the first guy.  And the crying, tattooed, ear-ringed, mo-hawk guy that performs in Stomp year-round actually got to pick which date he wanted making it through all the rounds. The fascinating part is that the women basically weed themselves out and only at the end does the guy get to pick if there’s more than one still offering to go out with him.

Just the logic of the girls alone made me laugh my ass off.  One girl, Misty, Mitzy, Minka, Mindy something or other didn’t pick the hunter guy because she was afraid he’d shoot her “3 kitty cats:  Tiddly Winks, Stormy Clouds, and Baby Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow.”  Really?  You turned off your light?  Pretty sure there weren’t any lights on because there’s nobody home there!  Trust me that guy did the lucky dance on that one!

However, my absolute favorite part is that the girls stay on the show until they find a guy to be matched up with!  I don’t know about you, but my morbid curiosity is asking which girl is still on come Christmas because she’s picky or because none of the guys like her.  She’s going to have to have like a million different whore-factor 10 dresses in her repertoire just to be on the show that long!  And what’s George Lopez going to be saying to her by week 35?  If he hasn’t run out of rhymes for turn on and love at first sight by then, she will have heard ‘em all!

At the end of the day, there is one lesson to be learned from this show:  BE EFFING THANKFUL if you are in a relationship that you do not have to shoe-shine your legs, giggle, or err on the side of stupid to get a date anymore!  And guys, be thankful that you don’t have to rely on one of the dull crayons in the box of 30 to re-finance your house or raise your children.  And if you are single, please consult me before agreeing to go on this show!  That’s all…

(unless you’d like to place your bet on who will still be there come Christmas)

Some people’s children…should not be allowed to become somebody else’s spouse.  Yep, you heard me.  It never fails to amaze me what we have to put up with.  Too many people I know stay with spouses that deserve to have their asses kicked to the curb.  And unfortunately, there are even more of us who have to stand on the sidelines and secretly gossip about how we wish they would put a token foot up their significant other’s arse and send them packing.  No scumbags/asshats/douche-magooshes allowed. 

The way I figure it, either people will put up with anything for the sake of saying they have a ring on their finger, or they are too embarrassed to admit they screwed up, or they’ve been beaten down to the point of submission and just live a shitty life because they don’t remember anything better.  Holy Shit Patrol, Batman!  That’s what I have to say about that.  Guess what, people?  It’s time to get rid of the riff-raff.  Muscle up, one and all.  Grow a pair or hike up the hooters or whatever you do, but for God’s sake if even Whitney Houston can figure out she’d “rather be alone than be unhappy” then why the hell can’t you????

Take a stand.  If you are employed, pro-personal hygiene, and lack a criminal record then you obviously deserve more than to be in a bad relationship.  And if you’re lucky enough not to be in a dead-end situation, I know you still know someone who is and you wish they weren’t.  You know what I’m saying.  Sometimes, there’s more anxiety sitting on the bleachers and watching the train wreck than there is playing out a losing record on the court, or so it seems… 

I have had it with 2 things in this scenario:  Ass Cheese, otherwise known as Head-Up-thy-Ass syndrome, and Dirty, Rotten Scrubbage.  My frustration is not only with the pond-scum idiots that take advantage of their partner (scrubbage), but with the friends (ass cheese) that can’t see the forest through the trees or more aptly put:  can’t see the dickwad through the smarm.

Bottom line:  denial may be a river in Egypt, but it ain’t the river to happiness.  I am so tired of watching men and women that know better resort to stupidity for the sake of their other half.  I’m tired of watching women pretend not to know that their man is a lying, cheating male slut.  I’m tired of seeing him slither up to a waitress in a bar and rub against her as he asks for a beer and my friend not think it suspect.  I’m tired of watching a woman go through an early mid-life crisis and suddenly need to find herself when in fact, the grass ain’t always greener.  If my cows can learn that, why can’t my friends? 

If you need to buy a new red sports car to feel good about yourself or go back to school to switch careers, go for it.  If you need to get under a boy half your age, get your head out of your ass.  He hasn’t put up with you for 10 years or given you 2 great kids or broken the news to you when your cat died, and he doesn’t want to.  And guess what, sleeping around might be easy out there in the real world, but single parenting and dating aren’t.  Figure it out.  Before you do something dumbass, ask yourself if it would be written down as a good thing on your obituary.  If it wouldn’t, go to Plan B.  Hell, if that doesn’t work, there’s always the crazy idea of asking a friend’s advice…and listening to it, too. 

Most friends will actually warn you when you’re about to do something ass cheese-like.  They do try to save you from yourself.  And even more impressive, even if you don’t listen to us, we are your friends and when you do finally get your brain out of your bottom, we’ll help you rebuild.  Sure, there will probably be a lot of comments about how we called him Phil because he was a fill-in till you got a real man or maybe how we called him Jack because he was Jack-ass stupid, but we’re still gonna pick up the pieces and be better to you than you deserve, because here’s a little secret smart folks learn:  people who love you always treat you better than you deserve. 

The end.  ‘Nuf said.