So, I’m all for the rest of you having your pumpkin spiced whatevers, your warm cuddly college football parties, and your endless hours of watching leaves fall. Go at it! But when it comes to autumn, there’s really only one thing that makes a summer girl like me happy: new fall TV shows.
Yes, I said it. Yes, I’m that person turning fatter and dumber by the day because I am an obsessive TV watcher. Here’s the thing. I’ve been seeing all your Facebook posts and tweets. You’re right there with me! We all have our addictions. For some, it’s Downtown Abbey and for others, it’s NCIS or NFL Countdown. (count us in for either of the latter!) And that’s okay. We are who we are!
So what are you watching? Of the new shows, I will admit I’ve only added one to my line-up. (The list was already pretty heavy. Thought I better not add to it, or my husband would never get supper again and I’d be out of sick days at work in no time at all!) What was my flavor de mois? The Mindy Project. Seemed funny and had that Ally McBeal quality. Although I’m no longer single, you can’t beat single girl humor. So far, it’s pretty good. However, my father informed me that I am off the deep end if I do not start watching Vegas. Good to know, Dad, good to know. So what am I not watching that I should be watching? Well, if my dad can tell me what I’m doing wrong, feel free to jump on the bandwagon.
Just realize that it’s not that I’m opposed to all the new shows, but to quote my husband’s comedic routine, “I just ain’t got time!” Am I the only loser with this problem? You can’t tell me I’m the only one who has to have her Big Bang fix, her Tim Gunn make-it-work moments, and her musical hour of Glee, right? Okay, so your list might be more like CSI Miami and Parks and Rec, but you know what I’m talkin’ about. And please tell me that I’m not the only one who is sitting on the edge of her seat awaiting the day in the last season of How I Met your Mother that they will show me who the Hell was under that damn yellow umbrella! Plus, there’s that whole thing about wanting to see if the broke girls will get their cupcake money and if Fi and Michael Weston will recover after his brother’s death. Oh, the sagas.
But Houston, we have a problem. It’s called DVR maintenance! Our DVR is dangerously close to capacity. Anybody else having this problem? I hear rumor that most people kick off their children’s shows like the 45 episodes of Scooby Doo and Phineas and Ferb, but the “child” in my house has a holy hissy fit if I ditch Cajun Pawn Stars or the 30 old episodes of Two and a Half Men that he has memorized by title. For the love of all things cinematic, we have to figure out a way to manage our DVR situation. 98% leaves us in a panic far more concerning to us than tornado season. (And no, I’m not kidding. Tornadoes? Where? Let me know when it gets here so I can take a picture. DVR’s at 98%? Oh no, what are you deleting???)
Thank goodness for cable shows that replay episodes a couple of hours later or there would be blood-shed in our house. We’ve pondered jousting for DVR control or pillow fights of WWE-like moves, but ended up wii bowling for it instead. I just wonder how other people handle these serious matters when they have more people in the house. Oh, the drama that must be incurred. So what do you do? Is it water pistols at sundown? Is it under the table bribery of your children so you can DVR Honey Boo-Boo? Or does it mean, God forbid, you have to watch it live with commercials so you can watch your show? I just gotta know. Bring it on.
Okay, I’ll say it. The question is: will you? I’m completely willing to admit it whether anybody else will or not. I am totally freaking excited about new TV next week! Yeah, yeah, yeah, we’re all getting fat and stupid on TV. Well, guess what? Fat and stupid possibly, but quite comfortable in my recliner, thanks. Plus, doing a little hand-holding with the hubs. So suck on that, do-gooder, hippie non-TV-watching freaks! (Okay, fine, I completely respect people who try to be better than the commoners like me, but dammit, I love a good TV show and I won’t apologize for it.)
Hell, I was flipping pumped about the NFL regular season starting this week. I sat my ass on the couch and camped out through many an hour, but now the funny stuff is coming back and that makes the world even better! Sure, I’ll be sad to see Design Star and Hot in Cleveland take a vacay, but who is not happy to see Gibbs and Tony back at the NCIS headquarters? And don’t tell me you won’t be setting your DVR and prepping a special meal in anticipation for the return of Big Bang Theory (and feel free to have get a big bang as prep work. It’s a good excuse and no one’s here to judge). We had grilled wieners in honor of the NFL starting, but I’m assuming we can’t have cheesecake for Big Bang, because, after all, Leonard is lactose intolerant. I’m just saying we like to think of ourselves as “the supporting cast” so we do what we have to do here as Chez Carley. We will obviously be having slushies from DQ as we delve into the new season of Glee. Well, I will. At Chez Carley, not everybody is excited about the return of Glee. Not naming any names, of course, but some people don’t know a highlight when they see one. One thing we can agree on is that we haven’t quite decided what would be proper for Mike & Molly. I mean, do we go whole-hog with cake, cookies, and ice cream in their honor or are we supposed to respect their situation and go for a Jared-type sammie from Subway instead? I’m just wanting clarification. I don’t think that’s much to ask. Not that we have to shove food in our mouths while staring at all our new episodes, but well, if we’re gonna get fat and stupid we might as well do it right!
Of course, I know a bunch of you are all hopped up about Desperate Housewives, Grey’s Anatomy, and House coming back. Enjoy yourselves. I won’t be partaking with you, but I think you can handle those on your own. You are big boys and girls. But I do hope you’ll be checking out the new TV with me. Is anybody planning to tune in to The Playboy Club? I figure that’s one to dress up for, instead of eat for, although grilled wieners would probably be perfect for that show, too. Lol, but since it’s best not to try to be completely fat and stupid like they accuse us of, perhaps we should go with the lingerie look for the viewing party. (Just please make the viewing party a party of 2 or less. Thanks in advance for that!) Anyway, I’m kinda thinking I’m interested in it, just to see what it’s all about, because I’m guessing the boys will be set to take a peek at this one, too. What guy doesn’t like the secrets and scantily clad women they’re promising?
However, I’m even more interested in the new sitcoms. I love me a sitcom! The hubs and I are big believers that the more we laugh, the longer our marriage will last. So we take our comedy viewing seriously. I’m pondering catching the pilot of Whitney. I’ve got a soft spot for dry, sarcastic, harsh comedic women. Mmm… I wonder why that is? Plus, if she can hang with Chelsea Handler than I think she gets a chance to hang with me.
I will also be making room on the DVR for Up All Night. As my inside source, aka Mr. Carley, reported: Christina Applegate doesn’t pick shit to be in. Valid point, honey. I’m on board. The DVR’s set and we’re ready to spit our fat-free pringles out laughing. If she can pull of being a Bundy, she should be able to make this work!
I’m also willing to give Rachael Bilson a chance with her Sweet Home Alabama TV remake, the premise seems to be lacking originality, but cute cast members go a long way. However, there’s no way in hell that Sarah Michelle Gellar is getting my time. I like her, but her show sounds like what’s-her-face-from that soap that had 50 personalities and kept coming back to life. Yeah, no thanks. I also understand that there are going to be tons of vampires and witches and anything scary or sci-fi-ish because that’s what America wants right now, but this section of America wants to laugh or least see a little smoochy-smoochy with a hot guy. I’m just sayin’.
So yeah, you’re probably thinking I’ve given this way too much thought and I’m lame and pathetic to be this concerned about premiere week, but so be it. Are my priorities completely whacked? Quite possibly, but am I giddy like a first kiss behind the bleachers? Yep! So either park it on the sectional next to me or put your ipod on in the other room. You know where to find me, but don’t be surprised if the answering machine picks up. I’ve got some important things going on next week…
Everybody knows the I Hope you Dance song and the Pick More Daisies poem and even a good number of people know Paul Harvey’s I wish for you speech. I’m a sucker for a “good old days” number. So I guess it’s no shocker, I’ve got my own thoughts on the matter. I feel kinda like Sue on Glee. Yes, I’m aware I don’t have children and yes, I’m aware that it’s none of my business, but has that ever stopped me? Hell, no. And so this is how Sue/Bolton sees it:
I ask you if you’re lucky enough to have a normal, healthy child: please teach your children to tie their shoes. No, really, I swear I know a million 13 year olds who can’t tie a bow. Break out the bunny ears, my friends. I also want you to read books to your son or daughter like Dr. Seuss, Twas the Night before Christmas, Sandra Boyington, and Mercer Mayer. Sneak in some Judy Blume and Gary Paulson when they’re older. And while you’re at it, make them do flashcards with you in the car on the way to grandma’s until they have their addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division facts memorized. An old fashioned sing-a-long with the iPod sans headphones might be good, too, especially if you can teach your kid the words to the Star Spangled Banner or Born in the USA. And yes, they need to visit grandma and grandpa because they need to learn where they got their smartass personality and big thighs from and they might just learn a little about ancient history like TVs before remote control and cars with AM radios, let alone the fact that it might be good to respect your elders and help out old people with household chores. It’s called responsibility and it’s not a bad thing. Perhaps they could even learn how to set the table and eat at it occasionally. You know with the fork on the left side and the knife and spoon married together on the right with the knife facing in so nobody gets cut? Yeah, I half worry you don’t remember that either.
You can say I’m harsh, but I’m not. I’m nice to people I’d rather not be nice to because my mom and dad taught me that killing someone with kindness is the best way to handle it and if they get a deathly virus because I had to be that kind to overcompensate for their assholism then so be it, but learning the golden rule is pretty important. Taking them to church sure wouldn’t hurt, but I’m not forcing a lifestyle on you. I’m just suggesting you do it my way because it’s the right way. Have realistic, high expectations for them because that’s what they need.
And listen, I get that you want to give your kids all the things you didn’t have like the real Barbie corvette, a cabbage patch doll, or the beebee gun from Christmas Story. Believe me, I can understand the concept, but don’t forget to give them what you did have, too. Give them love, laugh at them good-naturedly, and buy them notebooks, new pencils, and cool pens for school, maybe even a computer, but don’t give them everything. Every time they want something that you’re tempted to give them because your parents didn’t buy, or couldn’t afford to buy, for you, say, “Honey, I love you so much and want you to have the best in life and because I love you, I’m not buying this for you. If you want it, you can earn the money yourself or save up for it, but I will put that exact amount of money in your college fund today.” After you’ve said that 500 bajillion times, they will say it for you while rolling their eyes in the back of their heads, but they’ll know 2 things – my parents aren’t planning on killing me off when I’m mouthy and horrible in my teenage years because they’re planning for my college and my parents want me to get a good education so I’m not living in their house for the rest of their lives. Mmm… what a concept.
Teach them to do what you’re doing whenever you’re doing it (minus doing “it” of course) – whether it’s cooking, scooping crap, laundry, or suduko. That’s how they learn to be well-rounded human beings. And please, I beg of you, take them places besides the soccer field and the baseball diamond. I’m all for you taking them to sporting events, but don’t forget to go to the free stuff in your area like the kool-aid festival and the ice sculpture competition in the park. It’s called culture – even redneck Olympic game events are cultural – they count, they may scar your child for life like you were when you saw JR get shot on Dallas, but that’s okay. Some experiences in life teach us what we want to be and some teach us what we don’t want. Both are important.
Here’s the thing: life ain’t always gonna be sunshine and lollipops. Your kids are going to figure that out pretty quick if they live with you. The goal is to teach them that life sucks but you make the best of it and handle it without vices like drugs, abuse, or taxidermy (lol). Even though they may never be rich and famous, they will live a good life respected by their peers and you.
And maybe somewhere along the way, you’ll introduce them to Paul Harvey, sing them I hope you dance, and take them to pick more daisies, or maybe you’ll throw snowballs at them so they learn to duck, hike up a mountain with them, or eat cookie dough batter from the bowl with them. I’ll leave that up to you. After all, it’s really your problem, not mine.
But when they’re successful adults, feel free to say, “I told you so” and walk away with a smile on your face, as will I.