Do you ever wonder how other people just “don’t get it?” And by “it,” I don’t mean that kind of it! I mean do you ever look around the room and wonder if you’re the only one present whose elevator actually goes to the brain-storing penthouse? Or if you’re surrounded in a store by people who have hamsters that haven’t figured out how to make their wheel go round? I am often baffled by the cluelessness of people I run into or that I see in the news. For instance, Zac Efron. Dude, you are a multi-millionaire, people think you’re gorgeous, you are clearly talented, and so you said to yourself, “Boy, I bet cocaine will make me even more popular.” Wow! You might want to rethink that one, buddy. And what’s with all the talented female singers thinking they obviously look their best in unitards? Trust me, that’s not the case, (cough, cough) Madonna.
For the life of me, I wonder what some people are thinking. I have to think you guys are with me on this one. I’m sure you’ve said WTH? plenty of times. So I’ve concluded there are a few things I’d like to stamp on the forehead of some that shall remain nameless. These are just some general truths I feel like I need to put out there into the world so us normal people can get on with our lives.
*First off, money does not replenish itself. It’s not like starfish. It doesn’t regenerate. At some point, you do have to pay. (How do people not get this???)
*Secondly, it’s not okay to drive in the fast lane to detain fast cars, to get a better view, or to flash the college boys in the convertible next you. (Okay, maybe the last one is if you’re in college, too. None of us are above it.)
*Third, here’s a novel concept: Amazingly enough, if you want to keep your spouse, you need to be nice to them, at least once in a while.
*Fourth, you will get older. You will turn into your mother or father. And if you try too hard not to, we’re going to talk about how you’re trying too hard with your teeny-bopper clothing and inflated lips. Just sayin’.
*Fifth, in the adult world, decent trumps pretty. You can be perfectly beautiful, but if you’re a raging bitch, people will avoid you, or at the very least, complain about you behind your back.
*Sixth, I know you can’t prove it by our magazines, our gyms, or our facebook posts, but there really is more to life than being skinny.
*Seventh, you can’t be a lying, cheating bastard and not have people find out. It’s called a cell phone. We can track you, numbnuts!
*Eighth, if you really like them, then by all means, feel free to continue wearing your thongs, but we can see those lines, too.
*Ninth, somebody loves you. They may wonder why, they may be stupid for it, they might even pay for it, but they love you. Quit pushing them away and appreciate it, damn it!
*Finally. Number 10: If you don’t want to raise an asshat, don’t be an asshat example or encourage asshattedness. (It makes sense, right?)
There. What do you think? You on board with me? Did I miss some you’d like to put out there? Throw ‘em in the comment section. You know they’re welcome.