Who knew they'd be back?

Who knew they’d be back?

Dear Women of the English-speaking World,

Do not glance at, make eye-contact with, acknowledge, try on, or purchase high-waisted pants, shorts, or capris.  I repeat:  for the love of God and all things non-ugly, save yourselves from your worst fashion disaster by avoiding mom-jeans.  I only say this for your own good.  It’s just not right.  For you non-children, I give you proof:  Marsha Brady, Jill Munroe, Kelly Garrett, and Sabrina Duncan.  For you young pups, I give you Jessica Simpson.  If they can’t look good in them, no one can!  Did you not see Baby’s sister in Dirty Dancing?  All it got her was screwed on the golf course and left alone to sing so poorly even her daddy wasn’t impressed.

Pup (refers to anyone under the age of 23) or not, you have to realize that no one looks good with pants to their boobs, possible camel toe, and definite denim up the ass.  Now, I realize some women have flat stomachs (bitches – but I love you anyway), but I look like a Ruffles potato chip – I have ridges and ripples where I ought not.  It’s cruel really.  And trust me, I know I’m not alone in that category.

I promise you that someone will take a photo of it and even 20 years from now, you will be muttering obscenities at the people who keep re-posting your fashion faux pas on Facebook.  Those are the photos that stay with you like boy haircuts and big bug glasses in your senior pictures.

Yes, we all make sacrifices for fashion – shoes that require a band-aid to wear, freezing your ass off in a leather coat instead of a parka, and attempting to hold the girls up with a strapless bra digging in, but… The bottom line is that all fashion gurus say that you have to go with the fashion trends that flatter you and ignore the rest.  Well, I am here to tell you that the mom-jeans trend flatters no one and you must send that trend to the grave ASAP.

It horrifies me to even contemplate the bulbous shape exhibited when forced into a jean that likens itself to a suitcase you had to sit on to zip the zipper that looks ready to burst.

It’s like popcorn, parts popping out all over the place – the pockets of flab, the muffin top, the butt cheeks on display.  No thank you!  And seriously, who wants a non-stop wedgy?  Plus, dare I mention that a thong spares no protection for that denim “ridin’ dirty” in that tookus of yours?  I’m just sayin’…

And I’ll say it again and again, The Blob might have been scary in the 1950’s, the name Clarice might make you lock your doors, but nothing will haunt you more than a zipper gouging your mid-section like a baby-on-the-way  and denim rubbing like hay stuck in your butt craw.  Life’s too short to look like someone could park a coaster on your ass.  Do yourself a favor and listen to me.  You know I’m right.

Sincerely,

The fb photo-poster of 2030

 

P.S. – Survived any fashion faux pas I should know about?  Share ’em below!

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