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Remember when Heinz thought it was a good idea to try green ketchup and a multitude of other rainbow shades only to realize the world believes in red ketchup?  Yeah, that’s pretty much how I feel about St. Patrick’s Day.  I’m all about the mint, Kelly, pine, and sea foam, but some things ought not be blazing the Irish fires.  Meat should NOT be green.  I believe they call that mold.  Nor should anyone’s hair be green.  You just end up looking like you swam a few too many laps in the swimming pool.  However, I think we can all agree there are a few things Kermie-green that do make St. Patty’s Day better.

  • M&M’s. Yes, they should be green in honor of the occasion.  It’s not like we all don’t prefer the horny green ones anyway.  (Yes, I said it.  You know it.  I know it.  I’m just waiting for the commercial about it.)

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  • Fingernails. If you’re female, I understand making them green for this holiday as long as it’s a paint job and not a bad jewelry incident or a growing fungus.  Oh, and not my virgin nails… Just sayin’.
  • Pie.  You want to break out pie for St. Patty’s?  That’s a treat I can get behind, especially if it’s key lime.  Or if you prefer cake, I can be about adding some lime to my vanilla cake to have a Jell-O poke cake as my friend calls them.  Nobody will be complaining about that!
  • Beverages.  I suddenly realized that I do adore green beverages.  Now, I’m guessing you’re completely down with green beer…and I am, too, as long as I’m not expected to drink it!  But I much prefer a grasshopper (Green thanks to some mint choco chip ice cream!!!), some sherbet punch (Yum.  Please have that at my funeral.), a blue bullfrog (Which is quite deceiving that they call it a blue bullfrog when it turns out green thanks to the lemon-lime vodka, but maybe a drunk person named it.), or a UV blue and Mountain Dew (now that’s my kind of green!).
  • Money.  Yes, if somebody wants to help me celebrate St. Pat’s.  Bring on the cash.  I like it in large bills and very green!
  • Grass.  I’m all in for the grass turning green and this is the time of year for robins to be hopping around the football field.  Bring on spring!

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  • The Chicago River.  Listen.  We’ve been over this.  I love me some tradition and you can’t have a parade without a green river in Shy Town (or green dresses on the Tammys at the Sweet Potato Queens margarita festival, for that matter).
  • Finally, you need to wear green underwear.  Because, yes, somebody will ask if you’re wearing green and yes, you need to be able to show them you know how to “celebrate” the holiday.  But promise me you won’t be the one dropping trow if you’re the token guy in America sporting the green briefs!  The green version of a tighty whitie is still a tighty whitie.  Nobody wants to have to go all Oedipus eye-poking after your display.  Just sayin’…

Really though, party green however you want.  I’m just sayin’ that I wish you the happiest of St. Patrick’s Day!   Irish or not, we all get to play!


Have big plans you want to share?  Have something destined to be green that I missed?  Lay it on me!