So when was the last time you bought a car?  Are you one of those people that gets all giddy about the purchase of a new vehicle or are you like me?  Do you drive a car that predates Bieber or at least the rebirth of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer?  My car’s older than Homeland Security and the pre-salad era at McDonald’s.  Feel free to mock me, but am I the only one who’s

  1. Cheap
  2. Not good with change
  3. Annoyed by the whole process
  4. And is in no way a car snob, just willing to drive whatever’s offered if it runs properly?

* (Okay, so I do feel obligated to mention that I do require heated seats – maybe I am a car snob.  Well, really it’s a matter of non-cold tookus, but whatever, I’ll handle the title in necessary.)

Does any of that sound familiar?  Or do you stalk cars on the internet and drive through on weekends to get a better look?  Then apparently, you subscribe to my hubs’ love of car shopping.  In fact, he’s like a puppy wagging his tail at the thought.  Me:  I dread it like the plague.  Actually, more accurately, I dread it like going to Cox Cable, Verizon, or the gynecologist.  Yes, it ranks with the big 3!  I just hate it that much.  It’s like a bad game of Would You Rather?  Would you rather go to Verizon or buy a car?  Tough choice I might add.

I mean, am I the only one who’s noticed a definite pattern in these salesmen?  Tell me you haven’t seen, smelled, or dealt with one or all of the following:

  1. the old man pants pulled up too high
  2. the turtleneck
  3. the Weekend at Bernie’s zip-up beige jacket
  4.  the tan from a Caribbean island someone spent plenty of time on because of shleps like you and me paying too much
  5. the comb-over
  6. gold-plated teeth
  7. the stinch of the trifecta:  aftershave, coffee, and cigarettes
  8. and the assumption that we are all about the monthly payment because apparently, we’re not supposed to care how much it costs as long as we can make the monthly payment!

Are you freaking kidding me????  I understand I’m not the cutest teddy bear on the shelf, but I sure ain’t the dumbest!  Now, I understand there are some really nice car dealers.  One of my favorite relatives was one, but I’m never happy about spending money or having someone else tell me how much I need something because they are only thinking of me and my safety.  Sure.

So what do you do?  Do you buy the car knowing you’re getting screwed like a jack-knifed semi on an icy road or do you roll away in your jalopy knowing those old man pants pockets didn’t hang lower on the chump change he made off of you?

Well, I’m waiting for an answer…or not.  We’ll see who calls whose bluff tomorrow at sundown.  Wish me luck and have a great MLK weekend!