Christmas shopping, schmishmas shopping! Um, no. How dare so many of you say that? I love Christmas shopping! There’s no greater feeling than knowing you got someone a gift that they won’t be expecting, that they’re going to love, or that will make their lives easier. If it were not a financial impossibility on my behalf, you’d all have gifts on your doorsteps come Christmas morning (and I don’t mean the steaming paper bag kind). Call me Mary E. (the e stands for effing) Claus!
And for those of you complaining that you don’t have the cash or you don’t know what to get or you hate the crowds, as my mother would say, “get over it!” However, that doesn’t seem like a lovey dovey happy Mary effing Claus kind of thing to say so I am here to Superman my way into making this a better holiday for you by saving the day!
After so many of you graciously participated in The Blessed Turkey Project, it seems only fitting that in honor of that, I pay it forward one more time. Today is your lucky day. I’ve got solutions.
- You hate crowds? Buy it on the internet.
- You are low on cash? Go to Pinterest. Make something personalized. No one dislikes something with a family picture or their initial on it.
- You don’t know what to get? Come to me.
That’s right. You heard me. You don’t know what to get? You’ve met your mother-in-law once? You have a new boss you need to kiss the ass of? Your aunt is impossible to buy for? They have everything. They have expensive taste. They are pickier than a diggin’-for-gold 4 year old. No worries. I have the answers. No need to search the magazines for 50 gifts for the person who has everything only to find they recommend a banana necklace from Tiffany’s that only costs $499 or porcelain squirrel-shaped bookends that will make their way to Goodwill on December 26. Oh no.
I can do better than that. I may not be a whiz with a computer or understand the pulley system of a sheeter, but I can pick out the perfect gift. And in my effort to be a better person (I know. This can’t be that hard. Lol.), I am going to be your bounty hunter (but not in the Dog-scary-tattoo-with-a-gun kind, you need not worry). All you need to do is email me at firstname.lastname@example.org, answer a couple of my questions, and the perfect gift will be at hand. You will be the rockstar gift giver of Christmas, and if not, have some fudge and forget about it. There’s always next year. You’ve got 364 more days to screw it up.
Okay, I’m ready to help the poor children that get gifts from you and the poor grandpas who have more ties than Men’s Warehouse on Father’s Day. Bring it on!