Okay, so I’ll probably get booed off the paper, but I’ve got a beef with October. (Note my pun on boo-ed and no, I didn’t mean the beef I just put in my freezer. Ha ha.) Everybody on Facebook and my writing blogs is blah, blah, blahing about how great fall is and how October is so wonderful and all I hear is Charlie Brown’s mother saying “wah, wah, wah.” If October’s so effing fantabulous, people, then muscle up and tell me why. Defend your month, bitches. (Okay, you’re really not bitches, but it just sounds tough and cool there and nothing else did.)
You want me to defend my position? No problem. You got it!
10.October sucks because it involves Halloween candy. Okay, some of you are saying WTF? Yes, I love Halloween candy, too, but so do my thighs apparently because that’s where all my Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups resolve to settle!
9.Explain to me exactly what “Football Weather” is. Everybody talks about it, but from what I can see it just results in frozen tookuses, hunching over in blankets, and loading up on peppermint schnapps and hot chocolate. Not that I’m morally opposed to the latter, but I sure hate dry, rosy cheeks (and I ain’t talkin’ about the ones on my face).
8.October lends itself to horror movies. Ug. Why must we watch things that scare the shit out of us? Isn’t it bad enough that we have to see Peterson, Sandusky, and Dahmer on the TV every once in awhile???
7.It is a sad, sad day when we can no longer avoid having to do dishes by grilling our food. Having to wear a parka to get your meat cooked just doesn’t work so well.
6.Colder weather means more clothes. When you cover up your once-tan skin, you don’t notice it again until it becomes pasty-white Jell-O that looks even worse with additional clothes. Plus, there’s that whole dry, hairy skin. The lushness of summer sweat has vacated the premises. We are now officially hitting the season of chapped lips, dry, scaly alligator skin, and hair growing like Old Man Richard’s overly-fertilized lawn due to the chipper temperatures that damn Jim Flowers gets all excited about.
5.Baseball. I know it’s America’s game and all, but what a giant yawn. If it weren’t for Joe Buck as the announcer there wouldn’t be one saving grace to the fact that we have to endure our regularly scheduled TV programs being preempted by the World Series.
4.Trees. Suddenly the world starts discussing trees and the beautiful leaves this time of year…um, yeah. They are gorgeous for about 2 and a half seconds, then the wind blows and it rains, and all those leaves fall into our driveways and create a winter mix hash we have to clean up. And don’t even get me started on the fact that then the trees are stark, naked, and boring much like the topic of weather in general.
3.Yes, it’s that time of year where people start their hibernation periods of nesting by posting all their fall weather foods on Facebook. It’s the time of year where people think it’s okay to pumpkin-ize the flavor of everything and pretend that chili is an entire meal. Um, no. Even the lunch ladies at school knew you had to bribe somebody with homemade cinnamon rolls if you were going to put that stuff on their plate!
2.October is the new December. A fresh scent of Christmas to-do list panic sets in. There’s early gifts to buy, cookies to make and store in the freezer, and lights to put up before ole Jack Frost nips at more than your freaking nose!
1.Finally, for the love of all things holy and decent in this world, there is nothing worse than the October political ads. At least, November has the prospects of it being over after day 5 or so. I think I’ve already started flipping off the TV the minute one comes on. It’s almost a reflex, and if Joe Schmoe leaves one more message on my machine saying he needs my vote, I might have to shove my vote up his frozen tookus!
So there’s why October needs to reinvent itself. Are you with me? Give me a shout-out, and if you’re not, you better have some serious proof to back yourself, my friends, or Charlie Brown won’t be the only one hoping for the Great Pumpkin to make things good again!