Who has bloodshot eyes from staying up too late to watch the Olympics? Has anybody else got their remote set to jump back and forth between Olympic event stations? I can’t help it. I am a complete sucker for champions. Oh, and their outfits/uniforms. So loving them! But does anybody else sit there staring at the TV thinking that only that you wish you were that fit or that good at a sport? It only reminds me I am a total sloth!
Somebody I write with was saying that she missed making the Olympics by .041 of a second, and I’m thinking “yeah, me, too… if there were an Olympic event for smart ass remarks!”
I have always been completely fascinated by people that excel at sports and are willing to put their lives on hold for an event that happens once every 4 years. (I can hardly be patient enough for the idiot in front of me to realize he has a green arrow let alone 4 years!!!)
What I have realized is that we need a non-sports form of Olympics for the rest of us non-athletic folks (read that as people with 2 left feet, beer guts, and TV addictions). I have taken the liberty of coming up with some “body-inspired” type competitions the general public might be better at. So who thinks they could win one of these events?
Bolton’s Top 10 Possible Additions to the Olympic Stage
Event #1 – Insert foot in mouth contest (Perfect for those that accidently insult their future mother-in-laws, talk about the boss as she walks by the door, and offer to let family members borrow money. Good plan, Stan. Good plan.)
Event #2 – Improper Use of Sign Language (i.e. giving the bird, jacking off motions, and wrist whipping in reference to a best friend’s girlfriend’s control)
Event #3 – Bar Hopping (Think drunk dancing, 12 oz. curls, building beer can pyramids not human ones!)
Event #4 – Tongue touching (oh, the French may have the advantage on this kind of lunge, but we have a wealth of teenagers willing to compete in the art)
Event #5 – Thumb wrestling wars (you know what they say about guys with strong thumbs…they make great hitchhikers and Fonzie impersonators. Sorry, I could resist that either.)
Event #6 – Mattress Dancing (it goes without saying that Hollywood has proven our talent in this arena)
Event #7 – Road Rage (exercising our aggression, a very American quality complementing our love of driving in the fast lane and weaving through 10 lanes of traffic)
Event #8 – Marco Polo (not exactly water polo, but it can still be a tackle sport)
Event #9 – Ass Kicking (not the donkey kind, the kind where thug A thinks that thug B slept with his woman hence the beat down)
Event 10 – Rib Grilling (The meat kind, not the actual ribs in your body, because if we in the United States can’t smoke it, roast it, or sear it, nobody can. I feel we could go 3 for 3 on the medal podium for this one!)
Personally, I think those are much more realistic. In fact, I have a few of you already labeled the winner in a few categories, but just for kicks, let me know which you think might be your best fit, or if you know an event I missed, be sure to let me know!
P.S. – for you loyal readers out there, here’s a little insider info: there’s going to be a giveaway next week!
mikehandley
August 4, 2012 at 12:13 am
Is there one for cutting and pasting? How about Facebook liking? (It’s the distance between the tips of the thumb and pointer finger, btw. I checked.)
boltoncarley
August 4, 2012 at 12:48 am
love the facebook liking idea! brilliant! definitely think that needs to be event #11!
Tammy
August 4, 2012 at 12:47 am
they are all good! LOL I like Mike’s too
boltoncarley
August 4, 2012 at 12:52 am
thanks! mike’s is in, for sure! 🙂
Veronica Roth
August 4, 2012 at 7:12 am
Oh ROAD RAGE all the way! I could road rage for Canada! Here in E I get to drive super fast, turbo, experimental cars, (except for my vintage mini), which Robert has built as one offs, at unbelievably fast speeds on little twisty one lane roads. Thrilling to the max! And then I have to go back to Vancouver and slow down because there the government wants to hold all Canadians by the hands and keep them safe. Don’t get me started…Aarg…so hard to slow down.
boltoncarley
August 5, 2012 at 2:37 pm
i’m sure you’d take the gold! and i love your rant! 🙂
Jason Van Holland
August 4, 2012 at 2:51 pm
Beer pong, quarters, corn husking, oyster shucking, pencil sharpening, watching paint dry(ing?), couponing, country music listening (last one to run away screaming wins), and a US favorite, yep, you guessed it, muffin topping.
Veronica Roth
August 4, 2012 at 5:11 pm
Muffin topping! That’s brilliant 🙂
boltoncarley
August 5, 2012 at 2:38 pm
no oysters for me, thanks! beer pong would be perfect and couponing. don’t bash my cmt, mister! 🙂 and i LOVE muffin topping. only you would think of that! that deserves a ♥!
Sopphey
August 4, 2012 at 4:52 pm
These are hilarious! I am, without doubt, the best contender for Event #1. Always, always have to watch what I say.
boltoncarley
August 5, 2012 at 2:38 pm
you and me both, sopphey!!!
harrybsanderford
August 5, 2012 at 2:27 pm
I’ve had gold medal worthy efforts in #1 before and I think I could get at least bronze in #10. Silver for sure in the open class freestyle ribs (clean and jerk).
boltoncarley
August 5, 2012 at 2:39 pm
i love the freestyle class and clean and jerk! you crack me up! and i also really think you need to come meet us! you fit in perfectly, my friend!
alvaradofrazier
August 5, 2012 at 2:28 pm
#9, sometimes I kick my own ass. I think how fast one comes off a diet is Olympic worthy.
boltoncarley
August 5, 2012 at 2:40 pm
i’ve been known to do that, too! and i love your diet idea! that’s a great one, too! i think i needed all of you around when i was writing this! 🙂
Charron's Chatter
August 6, 2012 at 2:32 pm
What about: All Around Armchair Warrior? Like the decathalon…:) I love Olympics, too, and this is a great post! Funny and enthusiastic.
boltoncarley
August 6, 2012 at 2:46 pm
Thanks! and i love your idea! armchair warrior is perfect – it could be like eating potato chips, watching all hours of the olympics, and consuming a 24 pack of beer or something. LOVE!
Charron's Chatter
August 6, 2012 at 2:48 pm
🙂