Who has bloodshot eyes from staying up too late to watch the Olympics?  Has anybody else got their remote set to jump back and forth between Olympic event stations?  I can’t help it.  I am a complete sucker for champions.  Oh, and their outfits/uniforms.  So loving them!  But does anybody else sit there staring at the TV thinking that only that you wish you were that fit or that good at a sport?  It only reminds me I am a total sloth!

Somebody I write with was saying that she missed making the Olympics by .041 of a second, and I’m thinking “yeah, me, too… if there were an Olympic event for smart ass remarks!”

I have always been completely fascinated by people that excel at sports and are willing to put their lives on hold for an event that happens once every 4 years.   (I can hardly be patient enough for the idiot in front of me to realize he has a green arrow let alone 4 years!!!)

What I have realized is that we need a non-sports form of Olympics for the rest of us non-athletic folks (read that as people with 2 left feet, beer guts, and TV addictions).  I have taken the liberty of coming up with some “body-inspired” type competitions the general public might be better at.  So who thinks they could win one of these events?

Bolton’s Top 10 Possible Additions to the Olympic Stage


Event #1 – Insert foot in mouth contest (Perfect for those that accidently insult their future mother-in-laws, talk about the boss as she walks by the door, and offer to let family members borrow money.  Good plan, Stan.  Good plan.)

Event #2 – Improper Use of Sign Language (i.e. giving the bird, jacking off motions, and wrist whipping  in reference to a best friend’s girlfriend’s control)

Event #3 – Bar Hopping (Think drunk dancing, 12 oz. curls, building beer can pyramids not human ones!)

Event #4 – Tongue touching (oh, the French may have the advantage on this kind of lunge, but we have a wealth of teenagers willing to compete in the art)

Event #5 – Thumb wrestling wars (you know what they say about guys with strong thumbs…they make great hitchhikers and Fonzie impersonators.  Sorry, I could resist that either.)

Event #6 – Mattress Dancing (it goes without saying that Hollywood has proven our talent in this arena)

Event #7 – Road Rage (exercising our aggression, a very American quality complementing our love of driving in the fast lane and weaving through 10 lanes of traffic)

Event #8 – Marco Polo (not exactly water polo, but it can still be a tackle sport)

Event #9 – Ass Kicking (not the donkey kind, the kind where thug A thinks that thug B slept with his woman hence the beat down)

Event 10 – Rib Grilling (The meat kind, not the actual ribs in your body, because if we in the United States can’t smoke it, roast it, or sear it, nobody can.  I feel we could go 3 for 3 on the medal podium for this one!)

Personally, I think those are much more realistic.  In fact, I have a few of you already labeled the winner in a few categories, but just for kicks, let me know which you think might be your best fit, or if you know an event I missed, be sure to let me know!


P.S. – for you loyal readers out there, here’s a little insider info:  there’s going to be a giveaway next week!