Who has bloodshot eyes from staying up too late to watch the Olympics? Has anybody else got their remote set to jump back and forth between Olympic event stations? I can’t help it. I am a complete sucker for champions. Oh, and their outfits/uniforms. So loving them! But does anybody else sit there staring at the TV thinking that only that you wish you were that fit or that good at a sport? It only reminds me I am a total sloth!
Somebody I write with was saying that she missed making the Olympics by .041 of a second, and I’m thinking “yeah, me, too… if there were an Olympic event for smart ass remarks!”
I have always been completely fascinated by people that excel at sports and are willing to put their lives on hold for an event that happens once every 4 years. (I can hardly be patient enough for the idiot in front of me to realize he has a green arrow let alone 4 years!!!)
What I have realized is that we need a non-sports form of Olympics for the rest of us non-athletic folks (read that as people with 2 left feet, beer guts, and TV addictions). I have taken the liberty of coming up with some “body-inspired” type competitions the general public might be better at. So who thinks they could win one of these events?
Bolton’s Top 10 Possible Additions to the Olympic Stage
Event #1 – Insert foot in mouth contest (Perfect for those that accidently insult their future mother-in-laws, talk about the boss as she walks by the door, and offer to let family members borrow money. Good plan, Stan. Good plan.)
Event #2 – Improper Use of Sign Language (i.e. giving the bird, jacking off motions, and wrist whipping in reference to a best friend’s girlfriend’s control)
Event #3 – Bar Hopping (Think drunk dancing, 12 oz. curls, building beer can pyramids not human ones!)
Event #4 – Tongue touching (oh, the French may have the advantage on this kind of lunge, but we have a wealth of teenagers willing to compete in the art)
Event #6 – Mattress Dancing (it goes without saying that Hollywood has proven our talent in this arena)
Event #7 – Road Rage (exercising our aggression, a very American quality complementing our love of driving in the fast lane and weaving through 10 lanes of traffic)
Event #8 – Marco Polo (not exactly water polo, but it can still be a tackle sport)
Event #9 – Ass Kicking (not the donkey kind, the kind where thug A thinks that thug B slept with his woman hence the beat down)
Event 10 – Rib Grilling (The meat kind, not the actual ribs in your body, because if we in the United States can’t smoke it, roast it, or sear it, nobody can. I feel we could go 3 for 3 on the medal podium for this one!)
Personally, I think those are much more realistic. In fact, I have a few of you already labeled the winner in a few categories, but just for kicks, let me know which you think might be your best fit, or if you know an event I missed, be sure to let me know!
P.S. – for you loyal readers out there, here’s a little insider info: there’s going to be a giveaway next week!