Inspired by my friend’s conversation about the name “Fern” and it’s lack of use these days, I decided we should have a little fun with our bad, but not yet old, selves!  You can think of me as rush chairman bestowing your old lady “Flounder” name ala Animal House initiation.  (Guys, my apologies.  You’re next week!  And girls, you can check next week to see what your significant other should really be called…besides dumbass, snugglebear, or dufus brain, of course.)

So you’ve found your stripper name with your first pet and street name combined, but now it’s time to go old-skool.  Sure, at one point in time you had your fake bar name and probably an imaginary friend name as a child.  But below you will hopefully find a description that perfectly suits you, attached to what you can now refer to as your old lady name.  And if you feel like two of ‘em fit ya, than by all means hyphenate or give yourself a middle name, too.  Nothing wrong with a Mabel-Mae or a Jo-Ellen Josephine.  And be sure to share with friends, because what is a name if you don’t have somebody else makin’ fun of it???

*Stereotypical personality type label your friends would give you that you are willing to admit for the sake of a proper grandma name

I now pronounce

 you to be…

Do you yell at telemarketers and kids in the neighborhood?  Do you wish you had a cane to shake at people or trip them?

Hattie, if you’re not careful they’ll put you on a Hallmark card.

Are you pretty much driven by caffeination of the coffee, chocolate, or pop variety, running from one place to the next?

Gladys, you have got to slow down!  You’re gonna run people over with that big car of yours!

Are you Little Miss Fix it in terms of relationships, lamps, or non-flushing toilets?

Maude, put away the wrench.

Would you pass as an adult tomboy with a DVR full of sporting events and crime shows?

JoAnn, nobody cares about the Yankees.

Still hoping for an invite to a garden party?  Got your floral prints and pearls ready to go?  Always the girly girl, aren’t you?

You’re super secret name is now Shirley.  You’ll surely have fun today, won’t you?

Are you more of the girl on the go with your best friend the microwave, more alcohol than food in your fridge, and dry cleaners that know you by name because who has time for laundry?

Keep it under control, Lucille.

Are you quirky, loveable, and the kind of girl that’s never met a twin set you didn’t like?

I daresay you must be a Lillian.

Would you be the reserved, shy type with your glass of wine or a better-safe-than-sorry-glass –of-water and a safe distance between you and the crazy people?

You shall now be referred to as Marjorie.

Do you have that bubbly, outgoing, positive-nature with pretty, colorful nails and celebrity mags in hand?

I declare you to be Sadie.

Are you the Pinterest addict making every craft the site’s ever shown with a craft cabinet or random drawers scattered throughout the house full of scraps, glitter, and leftover wax from dead candles?

In elderly vernacular, you are Doris.

Are you a cat woman sans slick black suit?  Do you prefer pets to people?  Do you live with at least 2 cats and a dog or a snake or a tank of 5000 fish for the cats to watch?

Alice, you really need to get yourself a lint brush.

Are you the computer geekess that may, or may not, play games on your cell phone and get asked all the techy questions at work or play video games with your kids as an excuse to play?

Clara, keep your panties on.  There’ll be a new app for that out soon.

Always looking for a good time?  Is your cooler often substituted for your purse, or at least deemed just as important, if not more so?

Well, Mabel, grab your koozie.

Would you be the meticulously organized, all-business type woman that we all respect but couldn’t keep up with?

Mildred it is.

Are you a chatty Kathy?  Talk, talk, talk.  Ready for coffee with the girls on a moment’s notice?

By all means, you are an Edna.

Is it possible that you’re the wild child with your biker friends, your fast-track to Hell, and an adventure seeker ready to sky dive or swim with the sharks?

Wilma, you be careful hangin’ out with them there deviants.

Are you the sports fiend?  Ready to golf, go to Pilates at noon, and take a light walk with your best friend in the evening?

It’s okay to take a break, Frances.

Are you everybody’s mother?  Are you the first to call everybody “honey” or give ‘em a big ole hug?

My sweet Fanny, we love you!

Are you the nosy neighbor, gossiping and sneaking peaks out the window to check up on whose cars are in the driveway?

Nellie, put your binoculars away!

Are you the fashion maven of the county, the kind that will match your purse to your outfit or your scarf every day for the rest of your life?

Oh, Eleanor, your taste is divine!

Has anybody ever mentioned you’re a homebody with your nose in a book or watching “your stories” on TV?

Agnes, admit it – you’ve read Fifty Shades of Gray!

Are you a one-of-a-kind, Ms. Michaelangelo up for an indie movie, a play, or a goth band?

Oh, Rose, you are an eclectic one!

Do you prefer to think of yourself as outdoorsy whether beach-side, mountain-side, or country-side?

Just hold on, Betty.  It’s only 7am.

Or are you simply a self-proclaimed lazy ass?

Park it, Esther.  We won’t tell on ya.

Last, but not least, are you the spitfire/firecracker that shakes things up?

Ethel, put yer clothes back on!  It’s not strip poker!

Hope you found a fave on the list.  Be sure to share your old lady name with me and your facebook friends.  I can’t wait to hear it!

And if I’m missing one, don’t be afraid to put it out there in the comment section.  I can take it!

*Disclaimer:  No ladies were meant to be insulted in the making of this blog.  I understand that old lady names are now popular again and some of my fondest memories are thanks to ladies with these very names and I’m certainly not above a good game of pinochle and a whiskey sour in a teacup.

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