OMG! Did anybody else catch the new show, Take Me Out, on Fox Thursday night? Watching it, I was officially dumbfounded, or maybe just dumb – I think I might have lost brain cells in the viewing process. But, people, you must experience this show! Get the DVRs set for next week! I say this not because it’s a wealth of information or because it will cause you to have a major life epiphany. Oh no, I say this because it’s like watching a hairy butt-cracked man dance for money on a street corner. It’s a train wreck you have to behold with your own eyes!
Were you a child of Love Connection, the Dating Game, the Newlywed Game, or even MTV’s Singled Out? Did you secretly watch them when you were supposed to be doing something productive like homework or fixing supper for the family? I’m pretty sure I know a few people that shall remain nameless that caught the late night episodes post-Thirsty Thursdays. Well, if you are one of the ones that shall remain nameless (but only because I’m discreet), you have to check this shit out.
First off, they have the Flirty 30. I kid you not. It consists of 30 females licking their lips (not sure if that’s in wait for their prey or if it’s to make their lipgloss look plumper). And for the record, they look like the nail polish counter at Target. All shined up and in every shade of every flavor. Although, it did appear all of the “girls” (I use that term loosely) were expected to have long hair and short skirts (straight out of that Cake song). And, get this, if they’re not “turned on” they are supposed to turn off their lights after they see the guy come off the “Love Lift” (that is the sum total of round one – LOOKING AT HIM! – oh, and he gets to pick the song he dances out of the gates to, but that’s it)!
The first guy up to bat had 25 girls attracted to him, but then he admitted to hunting in the second round and packing his own healthy lunches for work in the 3rd round and they all ditched on him, but the sleazy guy who wiggled out to Sexy and I know it who stripped to his silver speedo made it further than the first guy. And the crying, tattooed, ear-ringed, mo-hawk guy that performs in Stomp year-round actually got to pick which date he wanted making it through all the rounds. The fascinating part is that the women basically weed themselves out and only at the end does the guy get to pick if there’s more than one still offering to go out with him.
Just the logic of the girls alone made me laugh my ass off. One girl, Misty, Mitzy, Minka, Mindy something or other didn’t pick the hunter guy because she was afraid he’d shoot her “3 kitty cats: Tiddly Winks, Stormy Clouds, and Baby Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow.” Really? You turned off your light? Pretty sure there weren’t any lights on because there’s nobody home there! Trust me that guy did the lucky dance on that one!
However, my absolute favorite part is that the girls stay on the show until they find a guy to be matched up with! I don’t know about you, but my morbid curiosity is asking which girl is still on come Christmas because she’s picky or because none of the guys like her. She’s going to have to have like a million different whore-factor 10 dresses in her repertoire just to be on the show that long! And what’s George Lopez going to be saying to her by week 35? If he hasn’t run out of rhymes for turn on and love at first sight by then, she will have heard ‘em all!
At the end of the day, there is one lesson to be learned from this show: BE EFFING THANKFUL if you are in a relationship that you do not have to shoe-shine your legs, giggle, or err on the side of stupid to get a date anymore! And guys, be thankful that you don’t have to rely on one of the dull crayons in the box of 30 to re-finance your house or raise your children. And if you are single, please consult me before agreeing to go on this show! That’s all…
(unless you’d like to place your bet on who will still be there come Christmas)