Some people think they know it all. According to my hubs, I’m one of them and since this is lecture #101, I figured I’d attempt to impart my wisdom, or lack thereof, upon you. As the professor to the lecture hall, here are 101 things that should keep you out of jail and in the black, or at least out of trouble and in the good graces of somebody who puts up with you:
101. Play nice.
100. Play fair (unless the bastard deserves it).
99. Make friends with all of us little people. We’re the ones that will look out for you.
98. Buy stuff because you like it, not to impress somebody.
97. If it involves family, you can bitch about it, but you can’t avoid it.
96. Say please and thank you like you mean it.
95. Never forget where you came from. For some, it will bring you smiles and for some, it will be fuel to your fire.
94. Realize there will always be somebody better than you, but don’t be afraid to try and change that fact.
93. Work is necessary, but it’s not the only thing.
92. Dance in the mirror (but possibly not in public unless properly clothed).
91. Dust twice a year whether it needs it or not.
90. Look in the mirror. If you see what you hated about your parent (unless it was that they acted like your parent), then it’s time to regroup like an overage boy band.
89. If the situation doesn’t change, it’s going to stay the same so either be down with it or do something about it.
88. Allow your guilt to win (especially if it will keep you out of jail).
87. Flattery should be saved for those that deserve it.
86. Find something to be good at (preferably something non-harmful).
85. Laugh when you can and cry when you gotta.
84. Be humble but not a doormat.
83. Go outside.
82. See the truth, but not the worst in everybody.
81. Sing with the radio.
79. Be loyal to somebody…always.
78. Do right by your family.
76. Know parliamentary procedure, how to set the table, and how to tie a tie.
75. Do not sit passively and watch the ship set sail unless you like the view.
74. Golden Rule, baby: treat others as you wish to be treated.
73. Tattle only if you’ve given the source a chance to redeem himself/herself first.
72. Don’t take people for granted…Appliances – yes. People – no.
71. Exercise, even if you’re the fattest one in the group and always will be.
70. Admit your jealousy (You can pull off a comb-over if you have millions. Damn it.)
69. Open the door. Hold the door. Be the last in the door.
68. Help yourself.
67. Never let the garbage pile up. (metaphorically or literally)
66. Sleep. (people will be a lot happier with you)
65. Work ethic matters.
64. Color with children. Talk old times with the elderly.
63. Have a hobby, or 10.
62. Go on vacation…a lot.
61. Pray just as much in good times as in bad.
60. Shave for someone…or the possibility of someone.
59. Have a drink. Have a cookie. Have both.
58. Watch a sunset, a snowflake, rain storm, anything in nature like you do a newborn – with awe.
57. Kiss a little ass, not a lot, just enough to make your life as easy as possible.
56. Make plans (so you always have something to look forward to).
55. Always stick with former 4-Hers, Boy Scouts, or Girl Scouts. They’ll take care of you.
54. Memorize your times tables and how to do percentages when you’re shopping.
53. Never, ever wear high-waisted pants/jeans. (You’ll look like shit. Just sayin.)
52. Have photos taken (and probably a few should not have a beer can or you flipping off the cameraman).
51. Read the fine print.
50. Check the expiration dates.
49. Make your own money.
48. Remember to evaluate where you are now from 20 years ago.
47. Breathe in, breathe out.
46. Don’t piss into the wind.
45. Love the one you’re with, unless you shouldn’t, in which case make a clean break immediately.
44. Give a shit, even if nobody around you does.
43. Brush your teeth, brush your hair, brush aside insulting remarks.
42. You are always more than your high school self.
41. Find somebody who can put up with you when you’re unemployed, broke, fat, and/or have a bad case of PMS or MMS if you’re male.
40. Don’t throw everything away.
39. Laugh at yourself.
38. Realize that somebody somewhere is bitching about you whether you did the right thing or not.
37. Love yourself as much as you can.
36. Always have an emergency money stash.
35. Keep a box of the thank yous and compliments to read when you need a reminder.
34. Do something good for the next generation.
33. Don’t forget you were a child once, too.
32. Feel free to laugh like a teenager about “that’s what she said” kind-of jokes.
31. Pick your battles more often than your nose.
30. Be able to do nothing, but not all the time.
29. Know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away. – Kenny was right and not just about laundry.
28. Think before you do something stupid.
27. Dress appropriately for the occasion.
26. Have a bucket list.
25. Have priorities…the right ones.
24. Give gifts.
23. Most things aren’t black or white, accept the grays.
22. Rely on common sense, if you don’t have your own, use somebody else’s.
21. Time does heal all wounds as long as you don’t pick the scab.
20. Don’t quit your day job.
19. Support will come in the most unlikely places as long as you’re willing to ask for it.
18. Keep your shit together.
17. Speak to your setting.
16. Animals cannot be used as replacements for humans.
15. Stick with Confucius – he said only contract friendship with those better than thyself.
14. Know how to be comfortable.
13. Be appreciative.
12. Don’t look too close (unless you’re playing Where’s Waldo?)
11. When choosing chocolates, parking spaces, or spouses, choose wisely, not desperately.
10. Be as well-rounded as possible (but hopefully, not in your belly only).
9. Defy gravity.
8. Count your blessings and not the tire tracks on your face.
7. Help keep the crazy to a minimum.
6. Hide when you need to. Surface when it’s time.
5. Don’t save your party panties for special occasions.
4. Live your life as if it’s a Shakespearean play and you do not wish to play the fool.
3. We all have baggage. Keep yours packed up and out of the way.
2. Always have clean clothes, a clean scent, a clean record (and an unclean mouth if you’re gonna hang with me).
1. Don’t screw it up. (What? Isn’t that the pep talk you were expecting from me??? Listen, you know it’s true. Life isn’t easy, but it isn’t a trigonometry problem either. Do the best you can and if you suck, don’t worry, you won’t be alone.)