Dreams? We’ve all got dreams…(she says as she quotes Pretty Woman) Some of them are feasible and some of them are about as likely as an uncorrupt, decent presidential candidate. On a weekend we celebrate Martin Luther King, I figure it’s appropriate to discuss how “I have a dream…” but please understand what follows is in no form meant to be disrespectful towards MLK, just meant to be humorous to my loyal readers.
My “Have a Dream” speech is more of Lettermen’s Top 10, not because I don’t have real, sacred, wholesome and loving dreams, but because I know better than to share them with the likes of you (lol – no offense intended).
(This is where you visualize me standing behind a podium, pounding my fist as I declare each of these with the intense force of the preacher in Footloose.)
I have a dream… I have a dream that all slow ass drivers will stay in the freaking slow lane and leave the passing lane free for those of us who took driver’s ed. and understand the difference! (Tell me you don’t have the same dream and I will assume you might be one of those bad drivers, as well!)
I have a dream… I have a dream that all the really stupid, worthless, incompetent people will not marry or sleep with each other and produce more ineptitude. (See how politely I managed to say that?)
I have a dream… I have a dream that they will someday invent fat-sucking beds much like the principle of tanning beds where you just lie down and 5 pounds magically comes off. (Was there some part of you thinking “why stop at 5 pounds?”)
I have a dream… I have a dream that all men will take off their clothing and actually put it in a laundry basket when it’s dirty rather than continuing to wear it or placing it under the LazyBoy or on the kitchen table for a woman to find later and rage over. (Sorry, guys. Feel free to have a dream that women don’t complain or they give certain types of “love” unconditionally. Realistically, neither will happen.)
I have a dream… I have a dream that all women over the age of 25 can find a proper mate without having to use bars, church, or the internet.
I have a dream… I have a dream that people like Charlie Sheen and Kanye West will extract their heads from their asses or their supply from their noses.
I have a dream… I have a dream that the KC Chiefs will someday win another Super Bowl. (A girl can hope! Maybe Tebow can save us instead.)
I have a dream… I have a dream that someday dishwashers will actually get every dish clean without leaving water, soap, or food residue in the corners.
I have a dream… I have a dream that some designer that doesn’t wear a size 2 will design a “miracle” swimsuit that looks good on everyone like the jeans in The Sisterhood of Traveling Pants or at the very least create a bikini-looking tankini using that nude fabric they use in ice skating clothing.
I have a dream… I have a dream that someone will invent a toilet balloon that pops open like a parachute or something when it hits stink factor 10 in the work bathrooms or possibly just a suction pipe for foul smells so when I walk in it’s like fresh laundry or daisies.
I have a dream… I have a dream that Oprah will reincarnate her favorite things and I will be one of them!
I have a dream… I have a dream that it will be hundred dollar bills and Dove Chocolates for all as that beats the hell out of sunshine and roses!
I have a dream… I have a dream that when Satan comes to pick me up, he’ll realize I’m just too good for him.
So I have a dream… or 50… Whatchu lookin’ at?