Oh, the weather outside is … um, delightful?   But the fire is so… not needed.  And since we’ve no place to go… oh, crap, that’s not true!  We were planning on not going to Cousin Frannie’s wedding, assuming we could use the crappy weather as an excuse.  Now what the hell are we going to do?  Do we really have to go?

Let it snow.  Let it snow.  Let it snow.  (But maybe somewhere just close enough we can pass it off as here?)

Okay, seriously, I don’t know about you, but I’m loving this Midwestern winter.  In fact, let’s go ahead and put it on record as the Indian Winter of O Twelve.  That sounds a lot better than Snowmageddon 2010, doesn’t it?  Listen, I’m all for getting a tan instead of getting frostbite.  I can assure you that I’d rather take a walk than scoop my driveway any day of the week.  There’s a lot to be said for breaking out the t-shirt and flip-flops instead of mittens and Under Armor long underwear because no matter how warm they are, or how much they modernize them, they still ride up (as unpleasantly as a hot ex on a motorcycle).  Driving hasn’t even required me to hunt down the ice scraper, thank God for my seat warmers, or sit shivering in the driver’s side waiting for the window to have a 4 inch defrosted spot so I can see to back out of my driveway and be “one of those people” that can’t see you until at least the 5th stoplight.  I haven’t even felt the urge to give all those migrating old people THE bird as they depart like birds flying south to Florida and Arizona.  Hell, even the people on Facebook have been jovial.  All of them chatting about family outings to the zoo, ice skating when it’s 50 degrees, and letting off fireworks on New Year’s Eve without being human popsicles. 

Perhaps I’m a little on the slow side, but it occurred to me today that the weather pretty much affects every aspect of a Midwesterner’s life.   Hell, I realized that this weather even messes with the appliances I use.  I suddenly realized today that my crockpot has pretty much been ignored.  The poor, lonely thing has been ditched for my grill that is still uncovered!  Forget pot roasts and brown-sugared hams.  We’re having steaks, hamburgers, and brats on the grill.  It’s like a tailgate at our house every weekend!   There’ve even been trips to Dairy Queen.  I’m thinking the pizza delivery guys are probably out of business at this point.  People can actually drive to get their deep pan. 

Every winter is an array of marathon commentary hating the cold, winter, snow, ice, blizzards, car scraping, snow scooping, static electricity, hunting down children’s lost gloves, idiots driving too fast like they’ve never seen snow, morons using their snowblowers at 4am (Okay, so it happened once. We had to get it done. Get over it. ), dry skin, and muddy footprints on the carpet.

I half feel obligated to send my condolences to all those poor kids who got sleds and snowboards for Christmas!  How sad it must be to see them hanging in the garage unused next to the wreath that actually got taken down pre-April because you didn’t have to freeze your ‘nads to do so.  Which reminds me, I bet you haven’t gotten to show off that new winter coat you got for Christmas yet either, have you?  No worries, there’s always next year.  Or maybe the legend of Al Gore is finally coming to life like Frosty on a winter day.  Maybe global warming has officially overtaken us.  (Yeah, I know.  I don’t really think so either.  I just had to be the catty bitch I regularly am.)

See, there’s only one problem with this so-called Indian Winter…  What’d you do today?  Let me guess:  did you clean out the garage?  Wash your car?  Take down the Christmas lights?  Did you go for a run outside?  Take the kids to the park?  All of those are great jobs done, but I bet you didn’t clean out your basement closet, did you?  You didn’t have hot chocolate and peppermint schnapps either, huh?  Did you actually get to sit and watch the NFL playoff games without feeling guilty?  Yeah, me neither. 

The only problem with this fantastic weather is that we don’t get to hibernate.  I don’t know about you, but I’ve been feeling obligated to “make hay while the sun shines.”  Every Iowa-born fiber in my being says I should be enjoying every minute of glorious weather because it may not be here tomorrow.  So instead of curling up in my blankey eating lil wieners (fine, little smokies) praying for a snow day and watching football in the dark of the day, I’m actually trying to carry out New Year’s resolutions.  I feel just like all those freaking overachiever gunners who’ve actually been going to the gym and the grocery store to buy their lettuce and yogurt.  That’s just not right, people!  We can’t have that! 

Then again, I’m sure my shame will come to an end soon.  Until then, Happy Indian Winter of O Twelve!  Play with it like it’s hot!

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