It’s 4 days till Christmas. I know. I dared to say it. And a whole bunch of you just panicked with the thought of the food to make, gifts to wrap, cards to write, and definitely the alcohol needing purchased! For what it’s worth, I’m in the boat with you and even though we might be sinking like the Titantic, it’s still all good.

It’s all good because I love the holidays. I especially love the magazines that tell me I am in dire need of a new sparkly, glittery holiday dress for all the social occasions I’m supposedly attending, when quite frankly, I could wear a Beery Christmas to You! T-shirt and some sweats to any place I’m invited and probably nobody would even notice unless it was to tell me I had a cool shirt!

I also love that the mags tell me I should purchase a 20 pound gummy bear to give as a gift because I’m sure nobody needs anything practical, or oh yeah, fun. I am fascinated by the pages and pages of gift suggestions. And I love that they think a $42 two oz. piece of candy is a steal! Seriously? Because I can get 8 oz. of Mrs. Fields chocolate-covered cookie dough at the Dollar Tree. Imagine the impression I can make with 496 ounces of candy!!!  Maybe they should contact me for the normal people buying list, not the I-live-in-New-York-and-only-hang-out-with-the-Hamptons-crowd types!

They especially crack me up with all the disgusting foods I should eat instead of the fudge, puff pastries, and eggnog in order to avoid the Christmas twenty.  I get their point and all, but what the Hell is fun about the Christmas season if you don’t live a little?  Because, oh, yes, nothing says the holidays to me more than a light pre-party snack of celery and Greek yogurt followed by trying to find the least calorie food item on the buffet line!  Pulllleeaaasee!  Michelle Tanner would roll her eyes and tell you that’s crazy!  Maybe you could just keep it to 3 little wieners instead of the entire package of lil smokies or only go back to the candy tray once instead of camping out there?  Maybe you could even drink Bacardi and Coke Zero instead of regular Coke.  No need to drink club soda instead on my account!  Just sayin’.

I also love the advice columns about family events around the holidays.  Guess what?  We all have family drama and it’s a lot more common than the “I got drunk at the Christmas party and did the boss” story they always give advice on.  Not saying that didn’t happen where you work, but I hear a lot more stories about how Aunt Mae said you were going to die an old maid or your ex-brother-in-law showed up to pick up the kids drunk and called Granny a good-for-nothin’ boss cow.  (Does that mean I travel in the wrong circles?  Oh well, at least they’re entertaining!)

Anyway, as much as I love pouring through my magazines with all their brilliant ideas, I’m just saying there are some more realistic thoughts on how to handle these situations so I’m here to save the day like Superman or your mom or the AAA guy who changes your tire or gets your keys out of your locked car.  Bolton’s Bottom Line advice column ( has officially re-opened for the holiday season to answer all your red-alert, emergency advice needs.  Email me: and I’ll do my best to make your season’s greetings not be a big eff off from the people around you!  Merry Christmas, guys!