Okay, so admit it: you’ve already eaten at least one package of Halloween candy. Don’t lie. Whether you tried to pass the blame off on the kids or not, you know that you have snuck back and helped yourself to the point of having to hide the empty bag in the trash. It’s like knowing there’s spiked punch at the worst work party ever, you can’t stop yourself. Halloween candy is like a jinx of some sort. You can go all year and never eat a whole bag of anything but the minute you buy a bag and designate it as the official “trick-or-treater candy” it goes in your mouth like a much-needed beer after a hot wing. There’s something about labeling it somebody else’s that makes us want to have it for ourselves.

Now, when it comes to Halloween, some people get all excited about haunted houses, scary horror movies, or chopping into a Jack-o-Lantern, but the biggest number of children under 8 and adults over 18 just prefer the candy! And who can blame you?  Yet, I do not understand all you people who like that nasty candy corn and the waxy candy pumpkins. Ick-fest 2011, people. The only way I can possibly understand consuming it is based on my sister’s theory that you can claim candy corn as a vegetable, but frankly even that won’t get me to eat it! However, I happen to know for a fact that people who like candy corn eat at least 3 bags over the course of October and November (when they buy it really cheap on clearance because none of the rest of us can stand it!). You’re counting in your head right about now, aren’t you?  And I know a few people who will be buying their fair share of ghost peeps to stock pile in the freezer (although I remember the days of only getting them at Easter) and those that score the chocolate-covered pumpkins to hide in their sock drawer and the dusty photo box and the canister on top of the fridge so they don’t have to share with the family. These are the die-hards.

Don’t get me wrong.  I appreciate those people that don’t even try to kid themselves. Some people just buy an extra bag knowing they will inhale at least one of them. Which are you? Me, I just admit defeat from the get-go. I muscle up and throw the extra bag in the cart.  It’s not like candy will go to waste at any of our homes! 

Now, the bigger question is: what kind of candy do you buy? Do you buy the cheap stuff thinking that if you buy it you won’t eat it? You know what I’m talking about – the Tootsie Rolls, the Smarties, the Dum Dums, the Slow Pokes, the Jaw Breakers, and the Now and Laters (wait, am I talking about candy or sexual partners? I think I even confused myself!) Or do you buy the good stuff like the Reese’s peanut butter cups and Twix because you don’t want to be known as “those” neighbors? Those neighbors always get egged. Personally, I will never be one of “those” neighbors because I try to remember what it’s like to be a kid on Halloween (please don’t mention that I probably have to remember a long ways back – like in the old days before internet, because sadly, it’s true!). But don’t you dare make fun of me if you are one of those neighbors that gives out apples, raisins, or granola bars! Ug. It’s Halloween! Let the kids live a little! Keep your wholesome-recycling-tofu-eating-Obama-loving ways to yourself. It’s a holiday. It’s meant to be fun.

Please don’t be a fun hater, because I especially can’t handle the people who hide in their basements to avoid paying for candy. Listen, I’ve been poor, too. By some people’s standards – I still am, but if you can’t break out the good candy and beer once in a while then why bother working your ass off every day? Oh, and don’t be one of those parents that takes their kids trick-or-treating at my house and thinks they have me fooled by sending their kids with an extra pumpkin bucket saying it’s for their “little brother.” Um, we all know it’s for you. If the little brother can’t walk or talk, we know who will really be gaining 10 pounds in the next 2 weeks. Pul-lease!

Of course, I was so busy thinking about the Debbie Downers, I guess I forgot to ask if you were one of the “best neighbors ever” group? I love the neighbors that come to the door with their witch hat or Frankenstein mask on. I love when they ask if you can do a trick to get your treat. (although that has a whole new meaning as an adult, but I digress) And I love anything else that shows adults got into the spirit of the day. Why not use it as an excuse to forget the work troubles or family drama and hand out some M&Ms or Tootsie Roll Pops?

Or are you the ones that give the full-size candy bars or dollar bills or free DQ blizzard coupons? If you are, I’ll be over around 7 and if you don’t mind, I’ll take 2. (I’ll be the one wearing the vintage moon boots and parka going as the old person who had to walk up hills both ways to school.)

Happy Snarfing, boys and girls!