Do you ever feel like you’re still that stupid 18 year old that’s sum total of abilities were doing homework, drinking on a dirt road, knowing what the weekly top 40 number #1 would be, and driving your parents crazy? 

I realize at our age you probably don’t know what the #1 song is and you probably take care of your parents now days instead of defying them.  But sometimes, I find that I haven’t completely grown up yet.  Do you still think naughty thoughts when somebody reads the number #69 aloud?  Do you still love to cannonball into a pool on a summer day?  And do you sometimes hope that Santa left your some kick-ass jeans from the Buckle or someplace cool?

Sometimes, I feel like that awkward girl that went off to college thinking that if I worked hard enough, I could make it big and live a better life.  I still have those times of insecurity.  I still worry everybody is staring at me because my ass is hitting every desk as I walk into class.  Why don’t I just have a Kim Kardashian realization instead and flaunt it?  I wonder, but instead I flashback to being a teenager again.  I cross my fingers that I don’t have a flat tire on the car ride home and I still eat Cheetos and Kraft Macaroni and Cheese even though I know they’re bad for me.  I stay up too late and nod off when dull speakers are talking.  And if I could have my mom still do my laundry, I would!

The thing is that I still feel like a kid in more circumstances than not.  I still feel like people shake their head like I’m a teenager when I have my stereo cranked loudly in my car (never mind that’s it just because I’m partially deaf).   Plus, am I the only one that sometimes freaks out like a newly-licensed 16-year-old when cradled between a semi and a concrete truck?  I know I should be thinking Smokey and the Bandit, but normally I’m thinking of it being a Jimmy Hoffa moment instead.  And do you notice that sometimes people give you the right-away to turn because they assume you’re a teenage driver that might not wait your turn or let the old woman with a cane go across the crosswalk, that you might instead go for the 200 points she’s worth because, after all, she does have a cane? 

Are you sometimes just unsure of yourself?  I swear there are times when I practically run into people in the grocery store because we both cut to the left and then play a little dance of getting around each other and then I feel as awkward as a teenage boy that can’t get a bra undone.  I can then be the oldest one in the room and wonder if my clothes make me look like a grandma or if the brand I’m wearing screams “old person alert” instead of hip, trendy 30-something, only to then think “I bet ‘hip’ is no longer the proper word for having cool, fierce clothing” and so it goes.  It’s like the shy 15 year old girl that was too chicken to ask to wear a guy’s football jersey for the homecoming parade resurfaces every once in awhile when I least expect it.

I wonder if there are times when you buy clothes in the Juniors department because damn it, they’re cuter?  Or for you guys, do you sometimes wear your Cocks game day cap because you’re never too old to cheer for the Cocks? (And if you snickered about me including cocks, you’re probably right there with me!)   See, there are just too many things out there in the stores that we can’t possibly be old enough to wear!  I know I’m so old that I would definitely have butt fluff if I wore short shorts, but I can’t possibly be old enough to wear the elastic-waisted pants and matching collared sweater with the flowers and birds on it!  Where the hell are the “I’m too old to show 3 inches of cleavage but a nice half inch is acceptable” clothes?  And why are there no t-shirts for the guy crowd between “Smurf this!” and “Retired and Stickin’ to it!”?  Why not a “Despite my love of Magnum P.I., my wife still loves me”?  I’m just sayin’ that sometimes even at our age (a few years past 18 and a lot of years shy of 90), we still go through the whole closet and can’t find A. Single. Thing. To. Wear! 

Are we 18 at heart for life?  Do you still worry that you don’t have good friends or enough friends or that they will get mad at you because you don’t want to go to Village Inn after the big game?  Do you find yourself wishing you had the money to go on vacation to the Bahamas like the “cool” kids?  Do you see a car that you would love to be able to afford “when you get older”?  Do you still have dreams of being rich and successful and famous?  I guess I just hope I’m not the only big kid out there still wanting things that I can’t have and pouting about it when it doesn’t work out.  Maybe it’s just me.  Maybe I’m the only one that still gets nervous about going to a party without a date or being peer-pressured into going on stage because it’s my birthday. 

Maybe I should be confident enough to admit that at my age I still get lost in shopping malls and it’s okay to ask for directions.  Maybe it’s even okay for me to admit that I’m too lazy to make a homemade pie because I’d rather sit and watch re-runs of NCIS.  Maybe it’s okay that I still like cherry smacker lip gloss…or maybe not.

Either way, maybe I should just find me an adult beverage in a small town bar and pay homage to a life much better than the one I lived at 18.  But when the Big Butts song comes on, I’m still gonna scream out the words while I’m shaking that ass and I damn well expect you to be there next to me!

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