Okay, so Fat Tuesday is upon us. Now, some of you may ponder why I consider it important enough to mention while my ass is parked in Nebraska and not New Orleans. I’ll tell you why: any holiday celebrating fat is worthy of comment in my book! Well, that and you know my theory about always jumping at a reason to eat, drink, and be merry, or at least not be depressed and sod off with the rest of the world.
That’s right! Shrove Tuesday, known to us commoners as FAT Tuesday, gets praise from this girl. In a society that obsesses over diet plans, biggest losers, eating disorders, liposuction, and stapling stomachs, I’m hanging my hat on a day commencing over food! (Yes, I am aware there’s an obesity problem. Yes, I know it can cause diabetes. Yes, moderation would be a better idea, but so would being a non-judgmental skinny bitch.)
Move over Mary Kate Olsen, there’s someone meatier in town! I’m tired of fat only being acceptable when we talk about Santa Claus, Oprah (depending on her somewhat-seasonal obesity cycle rotation), wallets, and cows for butcher. Every pile of office magazines has an endless array of covers spewing “drink lemon juice and eat curry” to lose weight (which of course you would from all the vomiting), or “do 4000 crunches a day to be thinner than Nicole Richie when she was bulimic and high”. Constant bombardment of colonics, fasting, and wrapping yourself in saran wrap annoys me. Perhaps we could focus on something else for a few minutes, like food.
It doesn’t take a sumo wrestler to enjoy a day with King Cakes. Although, I must admit I’m pretty creeped out by the philosophy of hiding a Christ baby figurine in a cake so somebody can break a tooth on it. WTF? Okay, I can appreciate the nod to Jesus, but I’m not a fan of Precious effing Moments, either. Can’t we just use some religious napkins, say a prayer, and call it good? And if you gotta put something in my cake, let’s go with money. I’m all about that! Or even better, let’s just make the cake taste better, mix it up a little. Sure, apple and blueberry filling are all well and good. I’m all about brioche, too. I happen to love it, but you know what makes brioche better? CHOCOLATE! I’m just sayin’ that a nice chocolate chip cookie dough filling is a no-brainer. You can actually deep fat fry it and it’s fabulous! Don’t ask me how I know. But the frosting, of course, is still completely welcome, as well. Pile on the green, purple, and gold, my friends. And drink the Kool-aid while you’re at it!
Let’s live the Queen-ly Fat Bottom Girls’ dream! Fat Tuesday is all about grazing your way through the day prior to the Lenton season. Catholic or not, this is a great excuse to snarf down your favorites. As Lloyd Daubler would say: avoid anything low-fat, low-cal, fat-free, less fat, calorie-free, sugar-free, or pretending to be anything less than fat-fat-sugar-infested-high calorie. I figure it looks a little like some McDonald’s fries, definitely something from Fatburger, a piece of Summer Kitchen Café Reese Brownie Royale, a brownie batter and snickers blizzard from Dairy Queen, that Ultimate burger from Ruby Tuesday’s that has like 1400 calories, fettuccine alfredo, bacon, chicken fried steak, and some homemade full-fledged Vitamin D macaroni and cheese. Oh, and you better knock back a few non-lite beers. In fact, my husband assured me that Fat Tuesday was designed as an excuse to miss class or to simply call in sick on Wednesday. Not a bad plan, my friends. Not a bad plan.
It’s Mardi Gras wherever you are! So slap on them there bib, load up yer plate, and Laissez les bon temps rouler: Let the good times roll!