So I made a little joke at your expense or I left wet paint for you to sit in or Ricky Gervais said your ex-wife’s-craddle-robbed lover is your kid, so what? What good does it do you to get all pissed off and stomp over to the phone to complain to somebody about it? You know they’re rolling their eyes and thinking you’re over-reacting because it didn’t happen to them, even if they feverishly back you in your bitch session (after all they are your friend and that is proper procedure). All you get out of the deal is a grudge the size of Dolly Pardon’s chest and high blood pressure steaming out your ears rivaling the likes of Yosemite Sam. Why not just laugh? They nailed you. They tripped you up. They called you the spade you are. They wiped your chin with a brillo pad. Get over it! Why do you think they send Jessica Simpson on USO tours ((I’m cheering for you, Jessica)? Everybody needs a good giggle at somebody else’s expense.
Because, America, would it hurt you to laugh? Get off your damn high horse – haven’t you noticed that the view up there is a lot more nauseating than the one here on the ground? Geez. Could you take a joke already? What crawled up your pooper and did a little dance till you started crapping your unhappiness all over the rest of us? Holy cow! Can’t you just have a little fun? Nobody’s watching. It won’t even hurt, unless you’re hooked up to electrodes, or your boss is standing over you with a taser gun.
Does it really make you feel better to be pissed off about what Aunt Edna said at the family dinner back in 1997? Don’t you have enough other crappy situations going on around you that you could just let that one go? Why not just laugh it off? Can’t you just think to yourself, “at least I didn’t get stuck with the hairy chin Aunt Edna did” and leave it at that? If you wanna get a little revenge, kill her with kindness. Be sure to send her a copy of that close-up hairy chin photo your hubby got at the last funeral saying you were sure she’d want a recent photo of herself. It’s okay to smile when you lick the envelope, but then you gotta let it go. Life’s too short to be pissy with everybody.
The most successful people in the world are the ones who don’t take themselves too seriously. There was a Roman emperor who had a guard he kept with him at all times to remind him he was just a man, nothing special. And if you ever need a reminder of that, all you have to do is talk to your family. Nothing brings you back to reality like scooping through shit with the fam. And nothing like death reminds you that even if your life is sucking like a plunger in a nasty toilet, it could be worse. Sometimes, we get so caught up in our daily crap lists that we get tired and angry at people who are merely trying to have fun.
There’s nothing wrong with a photoshopped picture of Tom Brady’s head on your co-worker’s body or homemade fortune cookies that say “You’re going to get knocked up this year.” or “The next case of beer is on you.” No need to be mad at the messenger. You’re a big boy or girl, and you can take it. We have no room for pouty princesses around here. Good-natured ribbing (as long as that’s all it is) keeps us humble and quite honestly, why not look at it as somebody cared enough to bother with you? So you got 37 texts from your best friend pointing out that the Packers did in fact cage Da Bears much to your saddened dismay, that shows friendship in my book. Sure you can feel free to put Bears decals on every inch of his porch and sidewalk at the beginning of next season, but it’s all in good fun. And that’s what we’re here for.
Sometimes, dirty socks end up in spouse’s favorite coffee cups or tied to rear-view mirrors to get the point across, but it’s better to spread cheer that way than screaming, “Can’t you put your freaking dirty-ass socks in the damn laundry basket for once?” Humor is our friend and a dish best served…often.
So when your fists are clinched and you’re about to explode like a shaken pop bottle, I recommend you remember that me, Ricky Gervais, and the guy that invented the “Your Momma’s so Fat…” jokes are just trying to lighten the mood in Whoville.