Okay, let’s get a show of hands.  Who here knows that an important event known as the semi-annual sale is currently going on at Victoria’s Secret?  Gentlemen, don’t lie!  Girls, tell me you knew and you’ve already been there, and I’d have to bet you were lying.  That’s right, I’m calling you out!  Ladies, it’s all about support – from your husbands, your sisters, your friends, and most importantly, from your BRA!  It is a sad state of affairs walking around out there in the world today!

The last few years have brought the “no sagging” rule for guys and their jeans in metropolitan high schools, but I am here to tell you the great women of the US of A need to pick up the motto and run with it!  Why are we not Double D-licious in this great country?  What the Hell?  We’re in dire straits.  For a country known to be one of the most well-off, why can’t we keep ‘em hiked up?

It’s an epidemic among all ages.  I’m not a connoisseur of chests by any means, but   unfortunately, I have a friend that is, and he loves to point out boobular overflows, droopy downers, and free-boobers just to torture me.

And don’t give me all that “well, mine are too small to matter whether I wear a bra or not.”  Whatever!  How can anybody hear your sweater puppets talking if they’re looking at the ground?  Exactly, they can’t!  Don’t you remember your old cheerleading days?  “Push ‘em out…  Shove ‘em out…  Way out!”  There’s no “demi-ing” it.  No half-way about it.  Give it the old college try, why don’t ya?

I am here to beg you to skip 2 caramel lattes and a krispy kreme, grab that cash saved, and head over to Victoria’s Secret or Dillard’s (they run their bra sale at the same time) or even Wally World if that’s where you prefer, but get yourself over there and buy a pretty-little-something-or-other and for god’s sake, make sure it has underwire or at least a magnetic pull from the gods above or some kind of gravitational-fighting mechanism!  This is ridiculous!  Some of you have more pairs of sunglasses than you do bras!  In fact, I’m guessing a lot of you have more freaking beer coolers than hooter hammocks!  How is that possible?  How do you function mid-summer when the sweat runs between the girls every 2 seconds?  Seriously.

I never thought there’d come a day where I would be an advocate of bra-burning, but I’m here to tell you I’m all for it!  Not as a political statement by any means, more as a declaration of loving yourself more than to be a sad sagger in January!  Get rid of ‘em.  Haven’t we been preaching that it’s “what’s underneath that counts” all these years?  Then why are we paying $120 for our kids’ soccer shoes and foregoing new underwear?  Yikes!  That’s all I can say to that. 

Oh, what a sad day it is when you’ve had 2 jobs, a child, and done a half-marathon since your last bra purchase.  Wouldn’t you rather be boobilicious?  Wouldn’t you rather go out into the world with your head and chest held high with your straps pulled up and ready to kick a little ass? 

And don’t worry, the bras are on sale till the end of January, you know, just in time for them to mark them up in February because even Victoria knows that you guys still reading this aren’t coming to buy your Valentine’s Day gifts until the 12th of February at the earliest!  But maybe this is the year you man up to “support” your lovely lay, girlfriend, wife, significant other, or friend with benefits.  Maybe this is the year you actually buy early enough to get something spectacular without panicking at the last minute and save yourself some moola in the process.  Just a thought, my friends, just a thought.  And girls, don’t be afraid to buy yourself that early Valentine’s gift you know he won’t buy.  Nothing wrong with that, now is there?  Not doing that is what got you here in the first place! 

 So heed my wise words and “support” the cause this event season and consider this my public service message.  Happy shopping, my friends!