Blizzards are what I believe to be nature’s way of saying, “Frankie Says ‘Relax’” – it’s like fate stepping in and saying, “Hey dumbasses!  It might be time to quit being psycho for a few minutes!”  And don’t even tell me you don’t know what I mean.  It’s like a bad Maxine from Hallmark card to look at your life and realize that you have things on your to-do list that have been there since 2005, but because you had kids’ sports to go to or practice or work or supper to make or your taxes to do or you needed a new cell phone or it took too long to download new songs onto the iPods, nothing ever gets done.   And at some point, you might as well just give it the bird and move on.

Or maybe you are one of “those” that quite to the contrary, does get everything done, but you never actually take a minute to just “be.”  Perhaps you are one of those people who everyone else looks at with contempt because you have the itinerary down to a science with your groceries ordered for pick-up, your closet color-coded with little notes as to when you wore it last, and your kids are poster-children for the next Leave it to Beaver re-make.  Not that I’m not impressed, but when the Hell was the last time you just sat on your ass and watched a good movie without trying to multitask through it by folding laundry or texting your co-workers.  Chill.  And don’t get all pissy with me, I’m right there with you.  That’s why I love a good blizzard.

See, this is my theory on snow storms.  Day 1 is for doing one thing you’ve been procrastinating on for what seems like decades.  Clean out the closet that rains gift wrap and winter gloves when you open the door or make the banana bread loaves with the stockpile of 30 bananas you’ve been storing in your freezer till you had time to use them.  Just get whatever it is over with so the real fun can begin.

Now, you have a few options and they kind of depend on whether you’re single, a couple, or if you have kids.  Option #1:  take the time to have a movie marathon complete with the buttery popcorn and M&M ratios that are completely one-sided to the M&M’s.  Hunker in with blankets, pj pants, and pillows ignoring the clock and living the dream.

Option #2:  Get sauced!  You’re not going anywhere.  Drunk snow scooping won’t hurt anyone anymore  than drunk dialing would.  Start drinking and don’t stop for the day.  You can start with peppermint schnapps and hot chocolate to get warm after shoveling.  Or you can kiss a new bottle of wine good-bye.  There’s nothing wrong with doing shots every time a Geiko commercial comes on if you have to.  Just be sure to break out the bread, cheese, and summer sausage so you’re not completely hungover, but go ahead – it’s your day off, drink and be merry (for a change)!

Option #3:  Pamper yourself.  Take that long awaited bath or hot shower complete with moisturizing and relaxing.  Do the mani/pedi or take that nap you haven’t had since 2001.  Read the book that’s coated in dust sitting on your nightstand and promptly ignore the dust!  Don’t even think about dusting instead!  If you’re a guy, well, figure it’s a good time to sit in your underwear and catch up on WWE.

Option #4:  Do it.  And by “it” you know what I mean.  With crazy ass schedules and endless notifications on your Blackberry of texts, emails, and AP press releases, do you even talk to your significant other?  Yeah, that’s what I thought. 

Option #5:  Turn off technology and bring on the board games.  Have actual family bonding time – you know the kind you read about in magazines but scoff at thinking “Yeah right, like my family has time for that!  They obviously haven’t met my kids if they think that would actually work.”  Play some Sorry or the game called Life.  Leave the cell phones, wii, and iPods elsewhere.  Go old-skool for the day and hopefully, you aren’t going old-skool because you don’t have power, but get the flashlights  batteried-up and candles out because proper preparation leads to positive performance if necessary. 

Here’s the thing:  it doesn’t really matter what you choose to do, somebody will complain about it, but you pile in and muscle on through and everyone will have something to remember.  Why else do we still all talk about the Ice Storm of ’97?  When you’re forced to slow down and live a little, it’s hard to forget it.

So Happy Snowmageddon of 2011 whenever it happens for you, but please, whatever you end up doing, don’t blame me for any pictures that make it to facebook labeled The Blizzard of ’11.  It’s not my fault you did the Monopoly victory dance or cut your head open on the counter when you were drunk off your ass or made a racy snow angel in your bra and panties or that camouflage thong your wife bought you as a Christmas joke/“stocking stuffer”.  Don’t look at me, that’s your own fun stupidity in action!

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