So there are those that make resolutions, those that don’t, those that should, and those that mock them.  3 outta 4 ain’t bad, right?  Of course, the better question is:  which one of those are you?  You’re definitely in the “those that should” category.  But don’t worry, as always, I’m here to salvage your New Year’s attempts. 

See, it sounds all easy and everything to make New Year’s resolutions, but when it gets down to the nitty gritty dirt band of it, not everybody can pull it off.  For instance, there’s always somebody in the crowd who thinks it’s a good idea to play Letterman’s Top 10 List with their resolutions.  Nobody can fix 10 things in one year!  Let me just be the first to tell you that a list of 10 self improvements is at least 7 too long, unless of course 2 though 10 repeats number 1.  As in:  Resolution #1:  I will bring home flowers to my wife once a week.  #2:  I will bring home flowers to my wife once a week because I love her so much.  #3:  I will bring home flowers to my wife because she settled when she married me and I know the least I can do is bring her flowers.  #4:  I will bring home flowers to my wife once a week because she picks up my dirty dishes that I leave randomly around the house as if it were an Easter egg hunt.  #5:  I will bring home flowers to my wife once a week because she is a saint for spending time with our kids when my only option at getting them quiet is to bribe them with McDonald’s.  And from there, I think you get the drift.  But you know what I’m saying – a laundry list of goals leads to failure.  Fixing one thing is work enough, there’s no way you can focus on your smoking habit, your drinking habit, your piss-poor attire, your bad attitude (from the drinking and smoking), and we all know your whoring goes with the drinking and smoking.  Not so sure you can fix all of those in one fell swoop.  Know what I’m saying?  And we don’t want it labeled:  Operation No Whorebags: FAIL.

We are not about failure here!  In fact, another pet peeve of mine (of which, yes, I do have many) is when people are vague.  Umm, let me think… I’m going to be nicer in 2011.  Wow!  Great goal.  Now how are we going to measure it?  Will it count if you only insult your mother-in-law to her face instead of also telling the entire beauty shop that she waxes her butt cheeks?  Or if you only call the driver ahead of you a “dipstick” instead of a “dipfuck”?  See, it’s pretty easy to tell that this is difficult to accurately assess and maybe that’s what you’re going for so that no one can actually prove you didn’t get the job done.  Or maybe you consider it to be a one-time gesture like giving a fiddy ($50) to the Catholic Church and calling it done.  Check it off the list.  I’ve been nicer in 2011.  Woo-hoo!  Yeah, not really so much what qualifies as a resolution in my book.

Second to vague is unrealistic.  I can only scoff at the people who say “I’m going to lose 50 pounds this year.”  Oh yeah, because that’s easy, especially if you have fifty to lose – you must not like food at all or watching TV.  Nope, nothing futile about that!  Listen, I’m not judging.  Right there on the freight-train to Hell for overconsumption myself.  I’m just sayin’…  Maybe we should stick to 10 and see how it goes from there.  Baby steps.  You can always set a new resolution.  As far as I know there’s no law against a mid-year resolution.  Think of it as an amendment.  If it’s good enough for our government, it’s good enough for me.  And it doesn’t have to be weight.  Another fave of mine is people who declare, “I’m going to meet the man I’m going to marry this year.”  Really?  Because it sure didn’t work that smoothly for me!  Not sure you can really “plan” that.  Kinda feels like you need to take that up with God or at least Sylvia Browne.  It’s not exactly something you have control over.  Now, you can decide to volunteer for a charity once a month like Habitat for Humanity which obviously involves the male species.  All for that, and it might bring that man, but it’s all about the method here.  And my personal fave is the “I’m going to do laundry every night, quit reading facebook, and make my husband a lemon meringue pie every weekend.”  Sure, and I’m going to take a trip to Magic Elf Land where they give away money and chocolate milkshakes with Peppermint Schnapps.  That’s like saying you are going to convert your wife to Pleasantness from Eternal Bitchiness.  If only…

So yeah.  The KISS method applies here.  Keep it simple, Stupid!  Pick one thing to work on.  Make sure you have a way to measure it.  Make sure you have control over whether it gets accomplished.  And it sure doesn’t hurt if you can make it something you might enjoy.  Why punish yourself with New Year’s resolutions? 

My friend decided her resolution was to talk to her 7 college friends more often.  Now obviously she needs to make a goal of “I will talk to at least one friend every week.” or something to that effect to make it clear cut, but the point is that she gets something she wants and she achieves a goal.  Who doesn’t want to talk to their friends more?  How can that not be a good thing?  Unless your friends are drug dealers.  Guess that could be a problem, but you know what I’m saying.  Find something that will make your life better and bring you joy in the process.  If you say that you want to do 3 things off your bucket list – so be it.  Take that trip to the Egyptian Pyramids.  Learn to Parasail.  Kiss a store clerk (but it might be best to make sure he’s unarmed).  Even better, make a resolution to try all the beers at Old Chicago or all the flavors of ice cream at Maggie Moo’s (unless you’re a lush or going to Weight Watchers).  Again, do something that brings you happiness, not more agony.  My best advice:  avoid those Oprah book club books, too.  Ain’t no happiness in those! 

Because who needs more misery in their lives?  We all have plenty of that as it is.  So make your resolutions.  Make them specific.  Make them something fun.  Make them for you.  And if you don’t mind getting mine done for me, too, I sure wouldn’t complain!  Then again, I’m thinking my resolution might just be to lotion more often and I’m pretty sure I don’t want you doing that for me.  So let’s just leave it at:  Happy New Year and Best of Luck on your Resolution 2011 bid.

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