Halloween 2010 – Woohoo!  My husband and I could probably register for AARP as blue hair as we act, but amazingly enough, it’s been quite a busy weekend for us.  I’m happy to say we will be home handing out the good candy to any trick-or-treaters that stop by the rest of the evening while the rest of you are probably out living the dream.  With that in mind, I decided to give you a little treat from my bag of tricks!

Normally, I cultivate some kind of rant or vent about something desperately deserving of my opinion like crazy heckler guy that wouldn’t allow me to talk to anyone else at the library yesterday, but in an effort to be Halloween-ish (not Halloween-ie), I decided to give you something new and different for the day.  (No worries, I will go back to my usual next week!) 

As some of you may be aware, I write on a couple of other blog sites as well, one of which requires writing that is exactly 6 sentences long – fiction or nonfiction, but it has to be 6 sentences.  So today I thought I’d share my Halloween-themed pieces from the week.  I think you’ll be able to pick out the true vs. made-up.  Either way, I hope it gets you in the mood for the evening (well, maybe not that kind of mood)!

Stuff that Haunts Ya.. (a deathbed request)

Look at how she’s bloating up in that cryptic way, expanding to the size of the inflatable Miss Piggy in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade. Check out her mouth: gums swollen, teeth a gritty black, and remnants speckle her cheeks. I heard her moaning earlier; begging for relief, but I ignored it. Now she’s just lying there comatose, the buttons on her jeans torn open. Perhaps we should get her a shovel…

Then again, we can’t encourage her to founder on my sister’s Oreo dirt cake ever again.

Sing it with me this HaLlOwEeN – (Get your Michael Jackson on)

If we’d paid any attention at all, we wouldn’t have bought our house. How did we miss the Arlington National Cemetary-esque set-up in the new neighbor’s backyard? Lined up in limestone rows, lawn gnomes planted themselves in the tall grass; their rounded dunce caps peeking out like mushroom tops. No doubt they creep our whole family out because Tracy’s nightmares revolve around the gnomes transforming into miniature soldiers shooting at her bedroom window while Tanner assumes they’re like dominoes that once set in motion will expand and tumble upon each other with the last one inevitably falling on him. Me? I like to believe that this Hallow’s Eve, our inanimate “friends” will break into dance tiptoeing with the neighbor squirrels raising their pretend werewolf claws and singing, “Thriller…Thrill-er ni – ight!”

I Vant to Vish You a Happy Valloween! (A Husband’s Tale)

With Halloween rapidly approaching, the party invitations are floating in, and as un-fun, cheap bastards, my husband and I struggle with costume ideas, especially because we don’t really love dressing up. This year with my broken nose ala bull, it was obvious we were going to be Ike and Tina, but my bruises faded too quickly.

I researched on the internet for cheap make-it-yourself holiday gear, coming up with a track suit and butch blond haircut as Sue Sylvester from Glee. Amazingly enough, I owe a megaphone and yelling insults and harsh commentary at others is standard procedure in my world, but what would my husband be? So then I pondered Britney Spears and her many men, I’ve got the knee-high socks and plaid skirt, too bad I’m rockin’ what looks like a beer gut, so I ruled that out, too.

Brilliance hit when I decided on being a vampire, not because of the Twilight craze, but simply because my husband reminds me every day that I can suck the life out of anybody!

So on that note, have a safe one, and I’ll see ya next week!

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