Everybody’s got a little of it, but some have a lotta. Sure, we all have those little voices in our heads that play good cop, bad cop. It’s the people that have conversations out loud with the voices in their heads that always find me. Am I the only one with a magnetic field that attracts the random talkers? You know, the super skinny, elastic pants-wearing, frizzy-haired, short lady that includes me by saying, “Wouldn’t you agree?” even though I apparently missed the first part of the conversation that happened either in her head, with her imaginary friend, or on her home planet. To which I usually mumble off a “sure” and scurry away like an Olympic runner. Call me horrible, I don’t care.
Now, I’m not saying we don’t all have some thoughts running through our minds. I’ll be the first to admit that’s it’s probably not healthy that I battle myself over wearing what appears to be pajama pants to Walmart for the early morning grocery run sans make-up and un-showered with my hair yanked back in a barrette. It definitely crosses my mind that Clinton and Stacey would be all over me, but then my brain continues to race to the conclusion that What Not to Wear isn’t going to come all the way to Omaha, Nebraska to hunt me down, which is then followed up by the theory that if they did, it wouldn’t be a bad thing – I could sure use $5000 to buy new clothes. See, we all have that ounce of crazy inside.
I may have a few pounds of crazy, actually. That’s why I assume I weigh more than others, but that’s beside the point. I know I’m not the only one. I know guys do this less than women, but there’s not a guy around that hasn’t wondered if he can eat, get some and still be in his Lazyboy for kick-off. Plus, I know a few of you sit at the stoplight thinking of the grocery list and are sidetracked by the song on the radio that reminds you of your first date when you spilled ketchup on your shirt and you sit in the car shaking your head at the memory as the driver next to you wonders why when there’s nobody else in your car to talk to and that’s when you realize that you do in fact need to pick up ketchup because Larry is making hamburgers and hot dogs on the grill tonight since the Kleins are coming over. That leads you to ponder whether it’s rude to ask if they can leave in time for you to watch Desperate Housewives or Ice Road Truckers since you can only DVR two things at once and the football game is on, too. See, sometimes, you don’t even realize the angel and devil are fighting in your head, but it happens to all of us. Maybe not that exact discussion but some variation of it. Trust me.
All I’m asking is that everyone learn to contain their crazy! Keep your crazy hat hidden behind closed doors. Seriously. We all have some talking in our minds. Sure, I play out scenarios in my head where I convince my husband to go on a vacation in May which we all know won’t happen. Sometimes, I deliberate over whether I should buy the 67th pair of shoes, or if I could get by without them. No doubt I ponder raisin bran versus chocolate chip cookies for breakfast, but who doesn’t? The point is: I try to keep it in my head and not skyrocketing outward on to others like a bad case of walking pneumonia.
Here are some rules of thumb if you’re not sure if this applies to you:
If you’re talking audibly in a store and you’re by yourself, please be aware that others are giving you the squinty-eyed stare because you are some kind of freak they think might be contagious. If you include them in your debate, they’re gonna run for the hills like Forrest only dreamt he could run. However, taking it one step further, if you use your hands to express yourself when you’re talking to yourself and you look a little frazzled, be warned somebody is going to call security on you…
Well, except if you’re at Walmart, then you’re just another face in the crowd. Guess that’s why it’s so populated all the time, huh? Mystery solved. So I guess I’ll be seeing ya there…