Okay, seriously, call me snotty. Call me catty and rude. At this point, it would be completely accurate. For what I’m about to say, I’m a horrible person and I know it, but I’m still gonna say it!
Without question, I am blown away by people who travel from one relationship to another like they’re amusement parks on the “Top 100 You Just Gotta See” list. Seriously? I can hardly handle one husband and one family, let alone trading them in like cars. It’s like “Oh yeah, he was on a 2 year lease. I got my mileage out of him, but he was looking a little worn. Time to get a new one.” Really? Why would you want to start over after just getting ‘em broke in like a new pair of shoes or a dog that’s finally potty-trained? I mean, OMG! Meeting people is almost as impossible as getting out of the DMV in under an hour! Let alone meeting somebody, dating them, and liking them enough to spend 24/7 with them! Holy cow! And don’t even get me started on another person having seen you naked or knowing that your family skins cats every Friday the 13th! These are things that you don’t just share with everybody! And quite frankly, I’m not gonna lie: finding somebody every 2 years who can put up with me? Not very likely! According to my husband, I’m not always a ray of sunshine. Listen, I can’t sell that to everybody and I know it!
I also want to try to understand why somebody is so dead-set on being with somebody, in other words: not alone. I realize that Whitney Houston was higher than a lost helium balloon when she sang it, but I firmly believe, “I’d rather be alone than unhappy.” As a voice of experience, living alone rocks! There are no fights over the remote, no unidentified nasty-ass socks lurking in the corner, and no need to cook a full meal for one when you can just make a sammie and eat off a paper plate! Woo-hoo! Low maintenance! Another great thing about singledom is that you get to pick where you go, when you go, and there’s no extra obligations like your partner’s Christmas party or class reunion. My favorite part is that when you clean your place, there ain’t nobody there to destroy it. Oh, the victory in that feeling! Plus, there’s no feeling guilty about sitting your ass on the couch all day when a blizzard hits. You know what I mean. When your significant other is scooping the sidewalks in 40 below wind chills, you at least feel obligated to whip up some peppermint schnapps and hot chocolate whereas if it’s just you, so what? You’re not going anywhere! (Please note I do deeply love my husband, in no way was I complaining about him, in case he asks. lol.)
It just blows my mind when talented, independent people think they have to have somebody in their bed to function as a proper adult. Is it really better to be an Elizabeth Taylor wanna-be than a content non-married John Cusack? Even more than talented, independent people having to have a security blanket, it kills me when all the losers have somebody and the good people of the world are loveless. I know. I know. I’m going to Hell, but I can’t handle it. I never could. Explain to me how a sloppy, non-hair-combed woman in a holy white spaghetti-strapped tank top over an ill-fitting, non-supportive, dead, polka-dotted bra with a scent of a wet muskrat gets a guy and my dear friend who is blond, pretty, Gap-dressed properly, scented of cherry blossoms or at least something non-deathly, and freaking fabulous is manless. Yeah, yeah, yeah…life isn’t fair. Whatever. Not buying it. I remember on the old episodes of According to Jim they’d talk about how he married up and she married down. It’s obvious that some people really married down to get what they got, and it doesn’t make me happy for my high quality friends. I’m a big believer in equivalents. Marrying someone who’s your equal may be a difficult task but it’s necessary if your relationship is actually going to work. No jealousy or ill will. Then again, I guess if you trade in every two years, it probably doesn’t really matter, does it? Except to me! And guess what? I hope the loan payment is sky-high next time around on the new acquisition!
Okay, so I’ve vented and complained and said my piece. There are lots of used car lots, and I guess I now know why, but I’m gonna say there’s no need to trade-in when you have a classic ’74 Mustang like I do (and I don’t mean the car).