They call me Hooty.  No, not for the blowfish or my chestular region.  I’d like to say it’s for my sage, logical wisdom.  However, it’s more for the smokey-eyed owl look I’ve got going. 

Just a little point you may not be aware of – it’s best not to find a bovine hoof jetting directly into your nose.  Just a wise owl piece of advice:  you might want to avoid it.  Amazingly enough, it can cause broken noses, swelling eyes, enlarged mouths, and slight (I repeat slight) discoloration of one’s face and body.  It also causes trips to the doctor and separation of me and my money, which probably ranks more pressing than my bodily harm.  But I guess it got me to forget so much about the fact that I’m half deaf currently, so woo-hoo, life is good! 

The fact is:  somebody told me that I’m a bouncer.  No, not a bar bouncer, but a person who bounces back when life throws something at me.  I like that.  That works for me, and after not being that person when I was younger, it gives me great satisfaction to know I’ve made progress, that when life hands me shit,  I scoop it up and go on. – a Bolton original, I might add.  It seems more appropo than that adage about when life hands you lemons:  make lemonade.  Blah, blah, blah.  I’m more a fan of Ron White’s theory of when life hands you lemons find somebody who got handed vodka.  Or in my opinion, as I’ve stated before, when life hands you lemons, chuck ‘em and find some damn chocolate!  Bottom line:  when life sucks, it sucks.  There just ain’t no getting’ around it.

So today I’m helping humanity because that’s the kind of person I am. Lol.

Today’s lecture is about how to handle it when a friend goes down, so to speak.  A few years ago a friend of mine took her turn down the path of knee surgeries and a trip through West Nile Hell.  It wasn’t pretty, and I had no freaking clue what the right thing to do was.  Now, I’m not Miss Manners by any stretch of the imagination.  In fact, rumor has it I can be curt, blunt, and downright offensive – never intentionally though.  Personally, I like to think of it more as calling a spade a spade.  Point being that I could have said just about anything to my friend and it probably would have been wrong because I have that affect on people.  Luckily for me, she taught me a most valuable lesson.  She basically said that if the situation sucks ass, agree that it sucks ass.  No platitudes.  No count your blessings.  No the sun will come out tomorrow, Annie.  Just say it effing sucks and you feel bad that it’s happening. 

After my own recent health issues, I can tell you she couldn’t have defined it better.  Another friend of mine apologized for not knowing what else to say than the fact my circumstances sucked, and I told her she hit the nail on the head.   Everybody has a process of grieving, wallowing, denying, screaming and yelling, and finally turning the corner.  Pace is relative to the situation and the person.  Whether little Angie’s dog died, the GAP was all out of twin sets, your 60 year old father is remarrying a 25 year old, or your best friend can’t find a wedding dress in a size 0.  Everybody has upsetting situations, and I’m here to tell you the best thing you can do is call it like it is with a few choice phrases for every occasion:

That sucks like a Dyson on a 6 kid household carpet!

That blows big bologna chunks after a rollercoaster ride!

How does this shit happen to you?  It doesn’t even make sense!

That sucks!  That really effing sucks!

Those are proper responses to whatever ails a friend, a family member, or a co-worker. If you throw some ice cream or trash magazines at it, that helps, too.  

Sure, you may be thinking they need to suck it up and get over it, but that’s not what they need to hear from you, their real friends.  That will come later on, a few weeks later, when you look at them and sarcastically say, “Well aren’t you a little miss ray of effing sunshine?”  And, don’t worry, it will be quite clear that the ship has sailed and life has to get back to normal or whatever that pretends to be. 

And you know what, when life doesn’t suck, you’ll be more likely to notice.  Trust me.

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