Dear dentist guy (I’m not calling you doctor because you look about the age of my youngest nephew, thank you very much.),
I’m not impressed. No person I’ve ever met likes going to the dentist. I dare say most of them even dread it. It ranks right up there with getting your hand slammed in a door and having your dog die. So when I show up on your doorstep in December telling you I have a problem with my teeth, it isn’t because I just needed something to do that day, nor did I stop in for a friendly visit. It also wasn’t because I wanted to piss away another $200 on a frivolous office consult. No, no. When I make an appearance at your office it’s because I freaking know that my piss poor genetics have again failed me a way I can’t correct on my own! It’s because my tooth or teeth or gums hurt, Numbnuts!
Perhaps, I was mistaken in thinking that if my mouth hurt that I should probably make an appointment and get it taken care of ASAP before it got out of hand. My bad. Guess I learned my lesson. Apparently, in December, I just had a sinus problem, and I didn’t know what I was talking about even though I’ve had a larger number of root canals than jobs in my lifetime. Glad I am considered a simpleton in the world of dentistry. Good thing I came back in July to have another stronger X-ray taken to see that, surprise, surprise, I need a root canal. Magically, it appeared overnight and there is no possible way that my constant ache was anything more than my sinuses acting up. Huh.
If I wasn’t excited enough to be having tooth aches and dental visits, now I get to have a root canal. And the only thing better than a root canal is that I get to take antibiotics to get rid of the infection, piss away more of summer hours in your damn office, and pay you more money. Goody, goody, gumdrops! I can hardly wait…jackass!
But don’t you worry, I promise to be there on time and waiting open-mouthed ready for you to do your best. Just don’t mind my garlicky/oniony/Italian sausage/last-night-beery/something-died-in-my-mouth breath. Sorry I won’t have time to brush my teeth, but I’m just so excited to see you again!
With deepest affection,