if u own this car, your irony astounds me

If  I could teach the world to…No, not sing.  Screw singing.  If I could teach the world to DRIVE…  And don’t even start with me on how I’m not the world’s greatest driver.  Point taken.  Never claimed to be.  BUT whether I am a stellar driver or not, I do at least know the rules of the road.  I’m just saying that if everybody else would learn them, we’d all be a little less postal on the road! 

People always wonder why there’s so much road rage.  Let me answer that one for you!

1. There’s a thing called the fast lane.  If you’re in it, you need to be driving faster than the people in the other lane.  If you’re not, get the hell out of the way!  Get back in your granny-ass-piece-of-crap-car-that-can’t-make-the-hill-slow lane!  The fast lane is not for campers.  You are not allowed to camp in the lane just because you have a sense of entitlement and California license plates.  Too fricking bad.  Plus, here in the Midwest, you should probably realize the cops are going to stop you because they assume if you’re coming through here with CA plates, you’re a drug runner.  Just an FYI. 

However, if you’re a mom on the phone trying to get to soccer practice from the dance recital and you’re not really sure which exit to take, we totally understand and please, by all means, bring us to a standstill here on the interstate so that you can decide if you want 16B or 17A.  No pressure.

2. Here’s another helpful hint.  In the world of driving, it is survival of the biggest.  Even in the vehicular transportation mode, there is a food chain.  It works like this:  If you’re a biker, my car can make you go splat.  I prefer you use the bike trails that millions of my tax dollars have built.  If you’re a smart car, you are protein for a kid-toting SUV.  And if you are a stick-shift sports car, you are a little game of donkey kong for the semis and buses that cannot stop on a dime when you pull out in front of them because you’re “in a really big hurry” to get to Olive Garden for lunch.  P.S.  You won’t get to lunch if you’re smashed like a recycled can in the crimper.

3. Okay, here’s where I get really offensive.  Go ahead and call me names.  (The way I figure it, I’ve probably called you a few when you cut me off in traffic or when you sat at the green arrow light digging through your console while I honked at you.)  Anyway, I have come to learn the correlation between handicapped drivers and handicapped people.  If you have handicapped license plates, you apparently drive slower, or your car automatically adjusts to the speed at which you currently move.  Not really sure which, but it never fails that you hold me up when I’m on a mission.  Therefore, I’ve decided we need a handicapped lane similar to the carpool lane.  I’m all for you having your own lane, just realize I will be giving special permission for drivers carting a u-haul trailer to use your lane as well.  Easily solved.

4. What’s with the writing across the back windshield so you can’t see out of it?   And why do you never wash your car again after that?  I remember the days of the Just Married-soaped-on window.  Sure, that’s okay for a few days.  I even understand not having the time to get to the car wash  (Not really so big on that myself.), but how do you not even drive through rain at some point?  I mean I saw a car the other day that said, 2008 Grad! – First of all, you haven’t washed your car in 2 years?  Second of all, isn’t that a sight hazard? Third, have you done nothing impressive since then?   Just wondering. 

 I’ve seen it all.  I’ve seen the Momma’s Little Boy, Kristina’s Lover (real manly by the way), Peace. Love. And Cheer., and Goin’ Trout Fishin’.  At what point, did this get out of hand?  What will I see next:  Viagra User! or Mid-Life Crisis Car or Honk if U Hork Lugies?  It just seems crazy to me.  How did we go from tacky bumper stickers to the baby-on-board cling to the rear-window-painted life proclamation?  And again, I only care because well, it doesn’t make me very happy when I can see you were an X-game Champ, but you can’t see me or my car in the next lane!

 5.  Finally, why is driver’s education not a requirement for everyone????  I’m sorry, did I miss the fact where you’re allowed to drive a car on the same road as me going 70 (well, more likely 80) mph without even knowing you have to use your turn signal to switch lanes????  Holy cow!  How did we give you a license without making you learn to drive?  I can’t even buy a can of spray paint without 2 proofs of identification, a body search, and my credit card, but you can get a driver’s license and a peck on the cheek for $20 and a smile?  Good lord.  Something’s not right in Mudville.

So at the end of the day, all I’m really wondering is whether it’s too much to ask that the Duke boys take me on the next roadtrip or Frog and Bandit run blocker for me?  Just curious.