Yep, I’m up on my high horse again, and although it probably won’t do a bit of good, at least I get to vent! And if you know my husband, he will tell you it’s best just to let me say what I have to say!
It’s a simple case of clarity. I can even use my vast knowledge of geometry proofs to state the situation. Let me make this very clear: fat people should not wear horizontal stripes. It makes us look fatter. Therefore, any large or extra large shirt should be made with the reverse pattern to compensate for the incongruency. Hence, the need for vertical stripes.
Okay, if any of you know someone in the fashion industry or would like to start a write-in campaign, I need your help. I can’t take it anymore! Why? Why? Why don’t stores carry fashion lines that have the right lines? And by that I mean – hello, vertical, say goodbye to horizontal! That’s right – I love Project Runway as much as the next person, or maybe more than the next person, but can we not teach fashion designers to make proper allocations for those of us over a size 10? And don’t look at me with that look of condescension. Yes, I’m over size 10 (a long way but that’s beside the point), but I still purchase a lot of clothes.
I’m so tired of walking into stores and seeing my 3 options: single color shirts (boy, that screams I’m exciting), floral (barf, who wants to be that girly?), or chunky monkey shirts (for you elementary teachers that’s hamburger fold, not hot dog style and for the rest of you that means horizontal stripes).
I am a huge advocate of Gap and Tommy Hilfiger. Both are understanding of the ghetto booty. Yet, every time I walk into Gap, I am greeted by XL shirts in stripes going across. No! No! No! Leave the horizontal stripes to the little girls of medium and below. Then, flip the material the other direction to make mine. Or if you want to leave the stripes horizontal over my chest, that’s fine, but from my chest down over my fat gut, please make my stripes go downward.
I beg of you. Even diagonal would be better than sailor stripes. Haven’t you watched What Not to Wear? The only thing that should ever be horizontal is you – in your bed. Not the stripes you’re wearing.
Do I need to have Venus Williams write a note on her flesh-colored spanx to you manufacturers and fashion gurus? Would that get your attention? If you dare to say “no,” don’t think I won’t grab one of those extra small horizontal stripe shirts with your brand name on the chest. I’ll put it on, leaving my muffin top hanging out for the world to see and then the whole world will be sorry!
I’m just sayin’…