Tis the season to worship the sun. The Sun is our friend. It lifts our moods (which some of us, I won’t name names, really need). It makes the flowers, trees, and plants, that I never plant, bloom. It bakes my body after I get out of a cold pool. It helps practically blind people see hairs on their chins that need plucked. Or as it works for people like me – the sun reintroduces pigment coloration, because without question, the greatest thing about the sun is that it makes me, and everybody else, tan. Now, some of you may be saying “yeah, and you’re going to die of skin cancer.” But here’s the deal: TAN FAT IS BETTER THAN WHITE FAT! I can’t say that enough. It’s true!
As a girl who may be known to carry a little, or a lot of, extra cellulite, the sun is my saving grace. Yes, people, tan fat always looks better than white fat. For instance, a man with an epic farmer tan goes on vacation for the first time in 10 years. His family thinks a relaxing day on the beach will help him out. You know what happens – no matter how muscular he is, the minute he takes off his shirt, you say “ew,” wince, and cock your head to the side so as not to get the complete view. Now imagine he’s a tub of butter. It would be even worse. A tan would definitely make it better. Tell me I’m wrong! I dare you to find an example that does NOT make my point. It hides vericous veins, bruises, lumps, bumps, jiggly flab, and birth marks. Well, maybe it doesn’t hide them all, but it sure does camouflage it and make you look less like a sandy white beached whale.
Haven’t you ever noticed how they talk about JLO and her fabulous ghetto booty while mine is considered to be more of a pale white fat ass? There’s a reason – hers is darker (and probably more proportionate, too, but you need not point that out).
Feel free to call me vain and tell me I’m going to die in the process of being tan and less fatty-fatty-2×4-looking, but I can’t be completely wrong. People go to great lengths to perfect themselves – they notice details I wouldn’t see if I were a forensic specialist of Ducky and Abby’s skill! I actually saw a commercial on TV for how I can get longer eyelashes for like $50 a month and it will work as long as I quit taking the drugs if they cause me diarrhea or itchiness of face, eyes, or grow hair on my head or butt. Seriously???? That is taking it a step too far, but getting a tan? Just makes me look virtuous in a white dress.
The sun is my friend. It costs me nothing. It makes me look better so people don’t have to shield their eyes from the glow of my pasty white skin, nor will they have to wonder if they should feel sorry for me and my albinoism. It makes me feel good and it gives everybody else a better view. Plus, when I am so whacked out that I’ve become a crazy cat woman obsessing about the length of my eyelashes, well, then, I guess being a tanned bag of leather won’t seem so bad. Lol.
So join me in the fight for tan-ness!