My lecture of the day.
So, Tiger, you didn’t win the Masters. Sorry about that. Well, actually, I’m really not.
Tiger Woods – I thought you were going to be an all-American hero for my students. Crazy me, I thought kids could look up to you. Instead, I find myself wondering why you can’t keep it in your pants. Well, actually, I know why you can’t: you don’t have to! You can have whatever you want because you have more money than God, or at least a lot more than me and all the rest of the monogamous population, but I digress.
Here’s what I think: if you can’t keep it in your pants, then don’t jump into all the trappings of marriage and children.
Save your family. Get out now! Embrace your Hef-like ways, brand it, make it work for you. “Just do it!” Build your legacy up as it stands now. (that’s what she said) Be who you are. Put on your smoking jacket in masters green and start designing your Tiger Woods Experience Golf Courses and Hen Houses complete with beer bitches at every hole and whores on parade that “caddy” for your clientele. Everything’s bigger in Texas, so you might wanna rally there! Plus, that is where the best little thing Madam Dolly Pardon could come up with was found, and I bet it would make her proud. But Tiger, please realize that not every guy will want an exact replica of Elin. I realize it worked for you, but you might want to have a little variety to offer the masses. Better find a good cigar company, too. Might wanna check with Bill Clinton on that. I’m sure he’d take your call. As for food, not really sure what scum eats, but I reckon brats go well with the beer since y’all are pretty happy with your sausages. Just a thought really.
See, the lesson here is simple: be who you are. I may not really like you anymore but I’m guessing there will be a bunch of businessmen in Dallas that welcome you with open arms!