Change your Hat today!
As a human, we all have plenty of hats we can wear each day. Like today, I could wear my fat ass hat or my teacher hat or my wife of the year hat (it does happen), or even my “pretend-I-care” hat. However, I’m asking everyone to wear their “be nice to somebody who has a suckier life than you” hat today! As a teacher, it doesn’t take long to find somebody who deserves an extra helping of mashed potatoes, a quick compliment of their fine taste in hair barrettes, or a 10 spot tip left anonymously. That’s right: your life may suck, but I guarantee you I can always find somebody who has it suckier than you. So today in honor of the suckers, we are paying it forward.
Now if I get a lot of nice complimentary emails today, I guess we’ll know who you think has a suckier life than you, but I’m going to assume, for my own personal sanity, that my life is better than that. Thank you very much! When I have to rip the flesh off live chickens or embalm my great uncle then it may be worthy, but until then, let’s give our love and sincerity to someone more entitled.
Anyway, today is your day to wear your generous hat, although it sounds a lot less nice, and less intimidating to call it the “be nice to somebody who has a suckier life than you” hat. Of course, we could call it a BNTSWHASLTY hat seeing as we live in a country that has a fascination for giving an acronym to every occasion, club, or committee. That aside, I’m calling on you, my moral followers (okay, I realize that’s a stretch for some of you but do the best you can), to help the masses. That’s right, I’m asking you to put aside your petty squabbles, your mindless facebooking while at work, or your top 100 to-do list and think of someone else today. And don’t even give me that “I’m not creative enough to think of something for someone” bullshit. If you’re that dumb or clueless, email me immediately and I will give you a solution as long as you are willing to execute it.
Bottom line: do something nice for somebody who needs it. I’m talking a compliment about their newly styled (although obviously graying) hair. I’m thinking a carnation for the secretary that is boyfriendless in a sea of smug marrieds. Perhaps a “nice ass” comment to the perverted male slut in the next cubicle (just remember this only applies to those okay with sexual harassment, you do not want to make your life suckier than theirs by a mere attempt at niceties). Heck, I think a nice lollipop sucker for the sucker is a generous offering as long as there’s no explanation given and it’s not a dum dum. (Some people might think there’s an implication being made there.) Again, it doesn’t need to be pricey, it just needs to be thoughtful.
I can hear some of you now. What is with her today? Who died and crawled up her ass to make her all noble and kind? The answer: nothing and nobody. Just had a chance to remember today that when life hands me lemons, I can throw them in the trash and buy chocolate. Whereas, my neighbor across the street might eat them to become more sour and ugly to be around. I do not wish to be the same. And I hope that the sick bastards who read my blog are morally obligated to wear the same damn hat as me today.
Happy sucking-it-up day!