Tag Archives: comedy

l. #161: Get ‘cher Prom on and don’t tell me it doesn’t matter!

April 13, 2013

It’s Prom season and I can’t help but think about the old days. It’s funny to me what we remember and what we’ve blocked out to avoid seeking psychiatric help. It’s even funnier to me to listen to parents tell their kids that prom doesn’t matter when we all know we were horrified to hear that come out of our own parents’ mouths! Plus, I call “bullshit” on that statement. It does matter. I guarantee if you wore a ruffly tux and had a mullet, people have revived the pictures on Facebook! We all remember – good or bad. Am I right? Let’s see.

Q: What did you wear to prom?

My A: Junior year, I wore a hot pink and purple dress that I bought at Worth’s that became Vanity in Mall of the Bluffs for $15. I then received a very large photo of it on my locker the next week as apparently somebody was shocked…or appalled. Not sure which. Lol. Senior year, my mom made my dark green and white dress because everything else was too flowery. (And yes, I still avoid flowers!)

Your answer?

Q: Who’d you go to prom with?

My A: Junior year, I went with my two best female friends at school – Jennifer and Julie. Senior year, I went with the best guy I knew at that point in my life (besides my dad), Brad. (He may or may not have taken pity on me and I’m okay with that!)

Your answer?

Q: What was the theme?

My A: As a junior, it was Medieval Nights. I still have the t-shirt to prove it. Lol. Senior year: Ummm…. Somebody out there tell me. All I know is that it wasn’t Hippos on Parade or Redneck Dance Party (which I would have totally been down with, of course!)

Your answer?

Q: What was someone else wearing?

My A: Jenny wore a strapless dress with feathers around the top and Cecily made her own “scandalous” dress with skin showing between her breasts. Sorry, Cec, that was pretty big for small town America. Lol. My sister told me that her friend, Dave, wore a powder blue tux! I will not reference Dumb and Dumber as it was pre-movie and I like Dave. Lol.

Your answer?

Q: What keepsakes did you get?

My A: I got t-shirts both years and one year, thanks to the guy running the table at After Prom Casino Night (who is now my brother-in-law) I also won a microwave for college. My room stunk of hot dogs, mac and cheese, and popcorn most of freshman year thanks to that thing!

Your answer?

Q: What’s your favorite geek-transformed-into-beautiful person high school movie?

My A: Probably going to have to go with Pretty in Pink. Everyone should have a Blane. (It’s not an appliance – lol)

Your answer?

Final Question: What would you do differently?

My A: Wear high heels or flip-flops like the girls do now. Too bad I didn’t realize I wasn’t fat back then. Oh, or I may have hijacked my husband. Ha ha.

Your answer?

Okay, so tell me you aren’t having flashbacks and tell me it’s not important. You can’t. Why else do they have all those second-chance proms and 80’s Prom musicals? Exactly.

Ferris was right: Life moves pretty fast, it’s okay to stop and watch the Grand Marche with a few flashbacks from yesteryear. You don’t want to miss it.

***

And now you need to share those memories! Put your answers in the comment section so we can all relive them with you! Feel free to post pics, too! Or if you have an extra little dish about your prom, we’ll take that, too! We love a good laugh!

Posted by boltoncarley in Uncategorized Tags: comedy, entertainment, facebook, fashion, High school, humor, pop quiz, Pretty in Pink, Prom, reflection

16 comments

l. #160: begging, pleading,and bargaining chips to get friends

April 5, 2013

Will you be my friend?

Yes, I truly think that might be the weeniest thing ever said. Who wants to be a pansy and put themselves out there like that? And who wants to be needy? I’m no octo-mom.

But whether I want to or not, I’m doing it.

Will you be my friend?

I’m asking because writing is one of those things that depends on other people actually reading it. And I need you. A friend of mine told me that I needed to spell it out for everyone because I’m normally not a person people consider might need help. (Okay, mentally: possibly, but not beyond that!)

If you know me very well, you know that I hate to ask for help, or anything else for that matter: directions, advice, more dessert, etc. So you have to know that the last thing I want to do is ask you to help me out, but all the writing gurus tell me I need a tribe: a group of people to back me up and spread the word.

This next week is my 3 year anniversary of being a blogger. Although my stats are better, I have a long way to go. (and a short time to get there…Sorry, I can’t not sing that. Go, Bandit, go.) So here I am asking for your assistance. All I ask is that you read my blog. If you want to share it, too, I’d be more than thankful. If you want to follow it and have an email sent every time I do a new blog, that would be fab, too. Or if you want to tell somebody at work that they need to get up in my blog (did that sound better than grill?), I’d be thrilled with that, as well. What I need is people talking about me. (Please note my terror and flashbacks of all the rumors once spread. Ug.)

Now, I know that when you ask for help, you better be willing to return the favor. The writing gurus also insist that I need to offer or provide you with something. I’ve considered that aspect a lot. I can’t offer you money. I don’t have it to offer. I’ll gladly bribe you with brownies but only if you live close enough for me to deliver. (I can’t afford the postal service either.) I’m terrible at arts and crafts. I refuse to clean. I’d offer to do your laundry but ew! I’ll gladly take your picture and I’ll put it on facebook for sure! (ha ha) However, I’m not traveling a bajillion miles to do so, so… I guess that leaves the only free, non-distance-restraining option: I will try to always provide you with words full of humor, a small town girl outlook, opinions and advice (whether you want them or not), and hopefully a happy ending (but not that kind, boys).

AND… there’s more!

A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do (like shaving her legs or buying new underwear to avoid doing laundry). So I decided instead of putting 1 and 1 together to make 2, I’d just make 1 … if consolidation’s good enough for my hometown (Go Riverside!), then it’s good enough for me. I’m putting my advice blog and humor blogs together so that I can offer you the Sam’s Club bulk-sized version with double the blogs and double the fun!

So there it is. I left it all out on the court. Will you be my friend? Will you be part of my tribe? Will you never comment on this needy moment again? Lol. Think about it.

And whether you do or you don’t, you’re still my friend (unless you take the last brownie, and then we’re gonna have words)!

***

If you’d like to follow me on Twitter, go here.

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If you’d like to buy my tween/teen verse novella, go here.

If you’d like to follow my blog, click the follow button up above.

If you’d like to share it with friends, I’ll love you forever. Thanks!

And a big thank you to all who’ve helped me even get this far!

Posted by boltoncarley in Uncategorized Tags: anniversary, asking, asking for friendship, bigger and better, Blog, blogging, comedy, entertainment, facebook, Facebook features, followers, friends, friendship, humor, Online Communities, Social media, Social network, tribes, Twitter, WordPress, writing

27 comments

l. #157: it’s not St. Patrick’s Day till somebody’s tongue (and other stuff maybe) turns green!

March 15, 2013

Remember when Heinz thought it was a good idea to try green ketchup and a multitude of other rainbow shades only to realize the world believes in red ketchup? Yeah, that’s pretty much how I feel about St. Patrick’s Day. I’m all about the mint, Kelly, pine, and sea foam, but some things ought not be blazing the Irish fires. Meat should NOT be green. I believe they call that mold. Nor should anyone’s hair be green. You just end up looking like you swam a few too many laps in the swimming pool. However, I think we can all agree there are a few things Kermie-green that do make St. Patty’s Day better.

M&M’s. Yes, they should be green in honor of the occasion. It’s not like we all don’t prefer the horny green ones anyway. (Yes, I said it. You know it. I know it. I’m just waiting for the commercial about it.)

Fingernails. If you’re female, I understand making them green for this holiday as long as it’s a paint job and not a bad jewelry incident or a growing fungus. Oh, and not my virgin nails… Just sayin’.

Pie. You want to break out pie for St. Patty’s? That’s a treat I can get behind, especially if it’s key lime. Or if you prefer cake, I can be about adding some lime to my vanilla cake to have a Jell-O poke cake as my friend calls them. Nobody will be complaining about that!

Beverages. I suddenly realized that I do adore green beverages. Now, I’m guessing you’re completely down with green beer…and I am, too, as long as I’m not expected to drink it! But I much prefer a grasshopper (Green thanks to some mint choco chip ice cream!!!), some sherbet punch (Yum. Please have that at my funeral.), a blue bullfrog (Which is quite deceiving that they call it a blue bullfrog when it turns out green thanks to the lemon-lime vodka, but maybe a drunk person named it.), or a UV blue and Mountain Dew (now that’s my kind of green!).

Money. Yes, if somebody wants to help me celebrate St. Pat’s. Bring on the cash. I like it in large bills and very green!

Grass. I’m all in for the grass turning green and this is the time of year for robins to be hopping around the football field. Bring on spring!

The Chicago River. Listen. We’ve been over this. I love me some tradition and you can’t have a parade without a green river in Shy Town (or green dresses on the Tammys at the Sweet Potato Queens margarita festival, for that matter).

Finally, you need to wear green underwear. Because, yes, somebody will ask if you’re wearing green and yes, you need to be able to show them you know how to “celebrate” the holiday. But promise me you won’t be the one dropping trow if you’re the token guy in America sporting the green briefs! The green version of a tighty whitie is still a tighty whitie. Nobody wants to have to go all Oedipus eye-poking after your display. Just sayin’…

Really though, party green however you want. I’m just sayin’ that I wish you the happiest of St. Patrick’s Day! Irish or not, we all get to play!

***

Have big plans you want to share? Have something destined to be green that I missed? Lay it on me!

Posted by boltoncarley in Uncategorized Tags: alcohol, Chicago River, comedy, Drink, drinking, entertainment, fun, geen ketchup, green, heinz, holidays, humor, Jell-O, march 17, Mountain Dew, Patrick, Patty, Saint Patricks Day, st. pat's day, St. Patrick's Day, st. patty's day, sweet potato queens, turning green, uv blue

6 comments

l. #156: surprise! the weathermen were wrong. but cookies, milk, and naps for everyone!

March 10, 2013

Who doesn’t love surprises? Okay, so I know there are some stodgy, cranky-ass people out there, but how can you not love a surprise? As long as it’s not the bad kind of surprise like hey, guess who got preggo with the mailman’s baby? Or hey, guess what? You get to move to North Korea for the next 2 years! But when it’s the good kind, how can you not be happy about the unexpected?

Like for instance, who isn’t happy about a surprise snow day? Kids love to sleep in. Plowwers get some extra cash. Teachers get a break from reality. And the weathermen who screwed up get to be all geeky and nerdy on TV every hour updating us. Well, and of course, you get to spend some quality bonding with your family. (Yes, I know for some of you that begs a question of whether you can keep your sanity but some of you will be more than happy to sled, bake refrigerator cookies, and snuggle up in a blanket watching TV.)

The simple fact is that with all our Doppler radars, computer models, and weather gurus, the weather still happens just as it damn well pleases. And sometimes, I think it’s our little reminder to breathe in and breathe out. Personally, I love a day that the world shuts down and the only expectation is that I will curl up in my house and bury myself away for the day. That’s a surprise I’m always willing to take.

Then again, I’ll pretty much take any good surprise. You want to tell me I won the lottery, got a book deal, have a hot cinnamon roll delivery, earned a day off of work, or my husband did all the laundry? Okay, I’m down with that!! Sometimes, I think we forget to get excited. (And I didn’t mean that kind of “excited.” I’m sure you remember how to do that!) We forget to let those little things make the day fun and worthy of celebrating. Too often we’re thinking instead of scooping the driveway, who we are going to have to share our cinnamon roll with, which piece of our clothing is now pink, or how we are going to fit that test in with one less day. We have almost trained ourselves to find a reason to look the gift horse in the mouth. And I don’t know about you but some horses have some pretty bad breath so why get up in their grill???

My husband laughs at me when I get giddy about snow. Others laugh that I’m happy about a coupon for surf and turf at Outback or that I get to wear jeans to school for a week. It’s the little things, people. Maybe you aren’t supposed to sweat the small stuff but you shouldn’t just pine for the big stuff either. The little victories and moments count…especially when they come in the form of a surprise.

So here’s to a blizzard out our front doors. May it bring a well-deserved post-Daylight Savings Time nap and a batch of semi-homemade cookies!

Posted by boltoncarley in Uncategorized Tags: advice, blizzards, Cinnamon roll, comedy, Daylight saving time, daylight savings time, entertainment, humor, North Korea, Recreation, rest and relaxation, school, shopping, snow, snow days, surprises, television, United States, weather, weathermen

5 comments

l. #154: oscar schmoscar speeches – i recommend pizza, beer , ferris bueller, and love to the cats

February 21, 2013

So, do you actually watch the Oscars? I often wonder if people really watch the whole thing, or not. I myself love the fashion. I’m all about the pre-game red-carpet line-up, and I’m kinda interested in who wins, but not enough to sit through foreign film and short film awards for movies made by someone in their basement. As a creative type, I want to appreciate them, but honestly, they just end up boring me.

So after some deep thought (read as a 20 minute drive in Traffic of the Idiots), I concluded that these are some things that might liven up Oscar nominee speeches:

*Wouldn’t it be fascinating if someone thanked their 9 cats – Doopy, Puffy, Fluffy, Snoopy, Opie, Tippy, Kit Kitty, Kissy, and Jack-Off? See, that’s entertaining. And don’t tell me that those cray-cray-crazy actresses don’t have 50 cats. They just keep them better hidden or better manicured so no one asks questions!

*What if someone said they’re going to Disneyland? If it’s good enough for football players, it’s good enough for people who pretend to be Abraham Lincoln, an alien, or a hooker slut and get paid for it. Just sayin’.

*Tell me you don’t want to hear somebody’s acoustic version of Soft Kitty or some other random made-up song like Pants on the Ground. Break out something that makes me feel like I get the inside look at your victory dance. And there’s bonus points if you dance around Meryl Streep and make her uncomfortable. Who made her the queen???

*Let’s hear somebody dedicate their award to their best friend’s sister’s hairdresser’s kid brother’s neighbor that fixed her tire so she could get to that audition 15 years ago that she just ran into the other day at 31 Flavors and realized he deserved a thank you. (Because we deserve a Ferris Bueller reference, because at the end of the day, the Oscar should really belong to a movie that kids 25 years later can still quote – I’m just sayin’!)

*Or how about someone hauls in their Michael Kors purse with props? Lipstick to touch up and share their brand and special color, a small flag to say God bless America, a picture of their entire redneck family in Daisy Dukes and muscle shirts on the river bank, the stuffed animal that said “break a leg” that their boyfriend/now husband gave them before they made it big, and some breath mints just to be on the safe side.

*Don’t you think it would be hysterical if somebody won and snapped their fingers once they got to the stage and all these waiters came out of nowhere to deliver pizza and beer to everyone? Now, that’s a way to celebrate! Plus, we’d all get to see whose seams popped! (Yes, I know they’d prefer Cristal, but I prefer a little bit of Chicken Fried, thank you very much.)

*Wouldn’t it be classy if somebody won and said in honor of their big win they were going to donate $500,000 to 4-H or their hometown drama club or build a theater for them or something? If I have to listen to one more prima-donna tell me I should donate money for their cause when they have hundreds of billions of dollars more than me, I may have to put them on the crazy-as-Tom-Cruise discard pile. I do not want to hear their political rants or their save the whales pitch. Put your money where your mouth is, bitch.

Okay, so clearly, if you all know how to get these suggestions to the powers-that-be, get on it, would ya? And for the rest of us, there’s always the red carpet and possibly a fashion malfunction!

Enjoy the Oscars, boys and girls!

***

Any other great ideas for the nominees? Add ‘em on. Any opinions on who should win or who will win? Here’s your chance to say you said it first! Or will you be opting out of even watching? Inquiring minds want to know…

Posted by boltoncarley in Uncategorized Tags: Abraham Lincoln, Academy Award, academy awards 2013, beer, Chicken Fried, comedy, Daisy Dukes, Eating, entertainment, fun, humor, Meryl Streep, Michael Kors, Oscar, Oscars 2013, pizza, singing, soft kitty, speeches, suggestions, the Oscars, tips for oscar speeches, Tom-Cruise

6 comments

l. # 152 – king cakes, choco hearts, and the year of the snake – yes, we have ourselves a week!

February 9, 2013

Valentine’s Day, Fat Tuesday, and the Chinese New Year all in one week…Kinda makes a person wonder what’s in store!

I think it goes without saying that we all know plenty about Valentine’s Day, although I must admit I didn’t realize that Valentine’s Day is also National Condoms Day, but I guess that’s not overly surprising, but perhaps somewhat ignored. This is where you start counting nine months to November to realize which of your friends were conceived on V-day. I won’t spoil it for some of you, but I’ve got a couple in mind. Lol.

Now, I’m thinking we all know the premise behind Mardi Gras and Fat Tuesday as well. If you want my opinion of celebrating Fat Tuesday in fine form, check this out: http://boltoncarley.wordpress.com/2011/03/07/lecture-59-fat-tuesday-lets-call-it-phat-tuesday/

Again, I will mention any holiday that involves getting fat instead of skinny is one I’m on board with!

However, I’ve now decided I’m a fan of the Chinese New Year, too. I’m pretty sure you will be, too! So, get this: they have a big family/friend dinner where they shovel piles of food in on New Year’s Eve and then single, elderly, and children get red envelopes of money on New Year’s Day. Suddenly, being single doesn’t sound so bad, huh?

But here’s where they got me. People are supposed to wear red as it is a symbol of good fortune for the year ahead and buying new clothes signals a fresh start! Hello, new ! That’s my kind of holiday! Did I hear shopping? Did I hear an excuse to go shopping in February for yourself instead of December for others? Don’t be afraid to tell your spouse that you are going to require some clothing to keep the bad omens away! And for you Husker fans, you can buy red for the double secret bonus! Oh yes, my friends, we have found us some good excuses!

That being said, it’s the year of the snake. And we all know how I feel about snakes. So never mind. I’m not a fan of Chinese food anyway. I think I’ll stick to The Candy-Coated Love Fest!

There’s still time for you to play. Join us here if you want to get on board: Otherwise, pass me the box of Russell Stover’s, would ya? And have a Happy-Fatty-New-Valentine’s Day week!

Posted by boltoncarley in Uncategorized Tags: 2013, candy, Chinese New Year, clothing, comedy, Eating, entertainment, february, holiday, humor, Mardi Gras, new year's eve, Russell Stover, shopping, the candy-coated love fest, Valentine, valentine's day

2 comments

l. #151 – super bowls, beer, harbaughs, and recovery mondays – that’s American!

February 2, 2013

Who’s looking forward to the Super Bowl??? Maybe I should rephrase that. Who’s looking forward to watching football on Sunday???? Who’s looking forward to watching commercials on Sunday??? Who’s looking forward to Beyonce on Sunday??? Who’s looking forward to drinking on Sunday??? Who’s looking forward to gorging themselves with awesome snacks on Sunday???? Who’s just ready for an excuse to hang out with family and friends and overdo instead of staring outside at the crappy weather???? You answered “yes” to at least one of them, right????

Now, who’s dreading Monday?????????

Exactly. And that’s why I’m proposing a new American holiday in honor of Super Bowl weekend: Recovery Monday! Yeah, I considered naming it Hangover Monday but recovery is for overeating, over-drinking, over-partying, over-staying-up-late-on-a-Sunday kind of thing. Listen, I think we need to make this happen! It just needs slipped in under a Congressman raise hike or some random tax bill which we all know will pass! Because, really, who’s going to argue with a Monday off in February whether they like the Super Bowl or not?

Plus, it’s the most ditched day of work in the United States. Why even bother I say?

We have entirely too few holidays in our country! France, England and a bunch of other places have “holiday” constantly! We need to quit being overachievers and enjoy life a little and what holiday would be more American than Recovery Monday – a holiday celebrating NFL football, eating too much, drinking too much, hating Mondays, and needing to sleep in, relax, and bond with our loved ones?? We probably could even eat leftovers. Now, that’s the way to do a Monday.

Maybe we could even get Peyton to have Papa John’s be the national pizza of the Monday after! I mean who wouldn’t like a day devoted to sleeping and lounging? Bring it on!

Are you with me? Come on, let me hear it: are you with me?????

Yeah, I don’t want to hear it if you’re not… Plus, I’ve got little weiners to dip in BBQ and snausage (yes snausage) and cheese to chop up. Big plans you know!

Happy Super Bowl Weekend, everybody!

Posted by boltoncarley in Uncategorized Tags: calling in sick, comedy, entertainment, half time show, hangovers, holidays, humor, Monday, monday call in sick, National Football League, new american holiday, NFL, Sunday, super bowl, super bowl commercials, super bowl halftime show, United States

6 comments

l. #149 – Don’t do it unless they throw in that Pizza Hut gift card! lol.

January 19, 2013

So when was the last time you bought a car? Are you one of those people that gets all giddy about the purchase of a new vehicle or are you like me? Do you drive a car that predates Bieber or at least the rebirth of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer? My car’s older than Homeland Security and the pre-salad era at McDonald’s. Feel free to mock me, but am I the only one who’s

Cheap
Not good with change
Annoyed by the whole process
And is in no way a car snob, just willing to drive whatever’s offered if it runs properly?

* (Okay, so I do feel obligated to mention that I do require heated seats – maybe I am a car snob. Well, really it’s a matter of non-cold tookus, but whatever, I’ll handle the title in necessary.)

Does any of that sound familiar? Or do you stalk cars on the internet and drive through on weekends to get a better look? Then apparently, you subscribe to my hubs’ love of car shopping. In fact, he’s like a puppy wagging his tail at the thought. Me: I dread it like the plague. Actually, more accurately, I dread it like going to Cox Cable, Verizon, or the gynecologist. Yes, it ranks with the big 3! I just hate it that much. It’s like a bad game of Would You Rather? Would you rather go to Verizon or buy a car? Tough choice I might add.

I mean, am I the only one who’s noticed a definite pattern in these salesmen? Tell me you haven’t seen, smelled, or dealt with one or all of the following:

the old man pants pulled up too high
the turtleneck
the Weekend at Bernie’s zip-up beige jacket
the tan from a Caribbean island someone spent plenty of time on because of shleps like you and me paying too much
the comb-over
gold-plated teeth
the stinch of the trifecta: aftershave, coffee, and cigarettes
and the assumption that we are all about the monthly payment because apparently, we’re not supposed to care how much it costs as long as we can make the monthly payment!

Are you freaking kidding me???? I understand I’m not the cutest teddy bear on the shelf, but I sure ain’t the dumbest! Now, I understand there are some really nice car dealers. One of my favorite relatives was one, but I’m never happy about spending money or having someone else tell me how much I need something because they are only thinking of me and my safety. Sure.

So what do you do? Do you buy the car knowing you’re getting screwed like a jack-knifed semi on an icy road or do you roll away in your jalopy knowing those old man pants pockets didn’t hang lower on the chump change he made off of you?

Well, I’m waiting for an answer…or not. We’ll see who calls whose bluff tomorrow at sundown. Wish me luck and have a great MLK weekend!

Posted by boltoncarley in Uncategorized Tags: buying a car, car buying, cars, comedy, entertainment, humor, salesmen, sarcasm, vehicles

11 comments

l. #147 – tv and early to bed on NYE? not for lucky no. ’13!

December 28, 2012

They say how you bring in the new year sets the tone for the rest of the year. First of all, don’t ask me who “they” are, and second of all, that might explain my 2012!

With that in mind, I’ve decided it is my job to offer up a few possibilities as to how to ring in the new year! Why? Well, mostly because I’m bossy, but also because I want your year to be more exciting than mine! Lol. So I’ve put together a list of things you can use to entertain yourself, your guests, or your neighbors brought in off the street. In fact, you might want to consider making it a tradition. This shit is that good. Lol.

**Perhaps you could host a SWAP meet. No, I’m not talking swingers. Why not have a Christmas Crap Swap? Everybody invited brings something they got for Christmas that they don’t really want and let the swapping begin. Remember one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. (Gag. I can hardly say that without barfing…but it may be true.)

**You could have a midnight bocce ball game in the snow or sand depending on where you live! Hey, there are those crazy folks who do the dip in the lake, but I’m all for not freezing to death, showing my pasty white legs late December, or getting deathly ill because I’m an idiot. Just throw on the sexy ski bunny boots and mittens and go at it (and by “at it” I mean bocce ball, sicko.lol.). With a few drinks, you may be inaccurate, but probably not cold!

**Host a cheap beer party. Have all the guests bring the cheapest beer they can find and then test ‘em out. It may taste bad to begin with, but I bet by the 6^th one, it won’t even matter! Break out the Schlitz, the PBR, the Keystone, the Meisterbrau and call it a par-tay!

**Find the pretty girls, or your friend that does Mary Kay, or bribe the girl at the counter at Dillard’s and have a makeover party. Nothing like looking killer going into the new year! Who knows? Maybe you can finally get your husband to wear jeans that are long enough or shave off that winter moustache. Or you can have a girls only party and send the boys to the basement with beer! But if you wanna be lazy like the men, you can always have drinks and watch a season of What Not to Wear.

**Make it a calendar party! Invite friends or family over to make calendars. Have blank cardstock already bound together and have everybody scrapbook a page, draw on it (just understand you might snowflakes, clouds, smiley faces, and penises – you know, the things we learned to draw in elementary school), or add pictures. Even better, take crazy candids and group shots of everybody, upload them to Walgreens, and order enough for everyone at the party. Then send the sober person to go pick ‘em up before the end of the evening as a keepsake and have memories all year long.

**Feel like being a good person in 2013? Host a “can-can” party, but make sure you have the right crowd…and by “right crowd” I mean a drunk crowd. Have all your friends bring cans of food to donate to the local food pantry. Then make sure the cans of alcoholic beverages are flowing freely and have a can-inspired talent contest. With the right crowd, you’ll have Bob Ross-inspired can painting, juggling cans (yes, guys, insert your jokes here), constructing of can pyramids, possibly a really poetic ode de cans, or a can rap. Lame-sounding, but drunk, you’ll be laughing your cans off.

**Wanna go really sentimental? Make it a Dick Clark memorial New Year’s. Have an evening of Dick Clark games – play Scattergories, your own version of $10,000 Pyramid, and a little record rating of songs “you can dance to” that “have a good beat.”

**Are you and your friends the New Year’s resolutions-making types? You’ll be able to hold them to it if you have everybody write their resolution on your vintage etch-a-sketch and then snap a photo of them. Nothing says “nailed” like photo ops with proof. Oh, and best to give them a little 80 proof before that so you get the fun photos! Facebook will love you for that!

That being said, pretty sure my New Year’s 2012 will involve some TV with my hermit husband, a kiss good night at midnight, and a good night’s sleep. There’s a tone set. Happy 2013, everyone!

***

Anybody else have an idea they’d like to contribute or something your fam or friends do in honor of the big night? Let’s hear ‘em.

Posted by boltoncarley in Uncategorized Tags: Bob Ross, Bocce, cheap beer, comedy, dick clark, donating, entertainment, facebook, fun, humor, Mary Kay, New Year, new year's entertainment, new year's eve parties, party ideas, Scattergories, things to do on new year's eve, Walgreens

6 comments

l. #146: making new holiday traditions or how to avoid being boring. lol.

December 21, 2012

Is your family Christmas a snooze-fest? Do you threaten to sneak in a flask every year? Do you beg your wife not to make you go? Well, you, my friend, are not alone. Unbeknownst to me, there are people who go to family holiday celebrations where people discuss the food, the weather, and aches and pains. That, my friends, sounds painful, but not to worry. I have the remedy.

This is the Christmas that you start new traditions! What can you do? What can’t you do? (Oh, for the record, you probably should not call someone batshit crazy or give them a steaming bag of crap, but otherwise, it’s pretty open.)

My family certainly should not be the poster-children for Christmas traditions, but then again, nobody’s ever said we had a dull holiday, either. If you can top cootie spray, redneck shower caps, and duct taped laser-pointers then by all means, bring it on! If you can’t, maybe it’s time to ponder adding something new to the itinerary. It couldn’t hurt, could it? (Unless, you’re going with a Festivus theme, but that’s so not my scene.) Instead, consider these:

*Change up opening gifts. At our house, no one is above wrapping a piece of paper in 15 boxes for someone to open, nor are we opposed to duct taping something for an exercise-induced unveiling, or sending you on a scavenger hunt to a cooler outside!

*Give gag gifts. Listen, nobody wants to be uncomfortable when you give grandma a thong, but we are all about giving a bullet-proof vest to the family member who got dumped by the crazy bar fly down the street because he dodged a bullet there! We also love it when someone gets 7 different stocking caps – one for each day of the week because they had a semi-traumatic haircut situation back in September that people are still discussing (it rivaled a mullet – that’s all I’m sayin’). These are things you have to laugh about or at least make fun of and if people aren’t laughing, hand them another beer!

*For the record, fondu is never a fondon’t. That’s a Christmas Eve meal waiting to happen. Grease, wieners, hot cheese, and chocolate for dipping your cherries – that screams entertainment!

*I’m also a big fan of keepsakes, especially if they involve photos of family members wearing Texas-size sunglasses or sporting boxer shorts up to their hairy man boobs. I recommend a funny picture time-capsule photo box. Every year on Christmas, whip out the camera and take photos to throw in the box. Every year after, you can grab out the box and look at all the old ones and remember the good times and make fun of people’s clothes, hair, and ex-boyfriends and add fresh new ones to the box of laughter.

*Or why not put those new Uggs, Wrangler jeans, and Underoos to good use? Start your first ever Christmas fashion show. Have the whole family try on their new duds and if you wanna doll it up good, add some funky belts, hats, and socks ala the thrift store just to make sure everyone has something to try on. Nothing says the holidays like Property of the Beaver Nation t-shirts and sequined squirrel scarves. Post it to Facebook and the boring people will be jealous of your good time. Forget Victoria’s Secret’s angels. You’ve got grandma knee-highs and turtleneck dickies. Who could compete with that?

*Finally, what would the list be without a holiday activity involving alcohol? Yes, there’s always time for drunken Christmas caroling in the neighborhood. Who wouldn’t love that? But you better stick to the easy songs like Jingle Bells and Grandma Got Run over by a Reindeer; no one wants to hear you slaughter Silver Bells. There’s a good chance somebody singin’ about silver balls instead and Old Woman Jones might be concerned her hearing aids aren’t working right or Old Man Jones might get ideas. Just sayin’.

Sure, you could make it a tradition to sit and stare at each other or dread seeing your family, but wouldn’t this be more fun? Exactly. So muscle up those creative thoughts and have a Merry Christmas 2012!

****

Does your family have a fun tradition you want to share or do you have an opinion about my suggestions? Go ahead. Add it to the comments section. Either way, Happy Holidays from the Bolton Carleys.

Posted by boltoncarley in Uncategorized Tags: alcohol, christmas, christmas caroling, comedy, drinking, entertainment, family bonding, family christmas, fashion show, Festivus, fondu, gag gifts, Happy Holidays, holiday, holidays, humor, Jingle Bells, new clothes, Opinions, Silver Bells, traditions, Underoos

6 comments

Tag Archives: comedy

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l. #151 – super bowls, beer, harbaughs, and recovery mondays – that’s American!

l. #149 – Don’t do it unless they throw in that Pizza Hut gift card! lol.

l. #147 – tv and early to bed on NYE? not for lucky no. ’13!

l. #146: making new holiday traditions or how to avoid being boring. lol.

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