boltoncarley's blog
humorous thoughts on adulthood, because we're all in this rickety tree-house of life together

Tag Archives: beer

l. #154: oscar schmoscar speeches – i recommend pizza, beer , ferris bueller, and love to the cats

February 21, 2013

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So, do you actually watch the Oscars?  I often wonder if people really watch the whole thing, or not.  I myself love the fashion.  I’m all about the pre-game red-carpet line-up, and I’m kinda interested in who wins, but not enough to sit through foreign film and short film awards for movies made by someone in their basement.  As a creative type, I want to appreciate them, but honestly, they just end up boring me.

So after some deep thought (read as a 20 minute drive in Traffic of the Idiots), I concluded that these are some things that might liven up Oscar nominee speeches:

*Wouldn’t it be fascinating if someone thanked their 9 cats – Doopy, Puffy, Fluffy, Snoopy, Opie, Tippy, Kit Kitty, Kissy, and Jack-Off?  See, that’s entertaining.  And don’t tell me that those cray-cray-crazy actresses don’t have 50 cats.  They just keep them better hidden or better manicured so no one asks questions!

*What if someone said they’re going to Disneyland?  If it’s good enough for football players, it’s good enough for people who pretend to be Abraham Lincoln, an alien, or a hooker slut and get paid for it.  Just sayin’.

*Tell me you don’t want to hear somebody’s acoustic version of Soft Kitty or some other random made-up song like Pants on the Ground.  Break out something that makes me feel like I get the inside look at your victory dance.  And there’s bonus points if you dance around Meryl Streep and make her uncomfortable.  Who made her the queen???

*Let’s hear somebody dedicate their award to their best friend’s sister’s hairdresser’s kid brother’s neighbor that fixed her tire so she could get to that audition 15 years ago that she just ran into the other day at 31 Flavors and realized he deserved a thank you.  (Because we deserve a Ferris Bueller reference, because at the end of the day, the Oscar should really belong to a movie that kids 25 years later can still quote – I’m just sayin’!)

*Or how about someone hauls in their Michael Kors purse with props?  Lipstick to touch up and share their brand and special color, a small flag to say God bless America, a picture of their entire redneck family in Daisy Dukes and muscle shirts on the river bank, the stuffed animal that said “break a leg” that their boyfriend/now husband gave them before they made it big, and some breath mints just to be on the safe side.

*Don’t you think it would be hysterical if somebody won and snapped their fingers once they got to the stage and all these waiters came out of nowhere to deliver pizza and beer to everyone?  Now, that’s a way to celebrate!  Plus, we’d all get to see whose seams popped!  (Yes, I know they’d prefer Cristal, but I prefer a little bit of Chicken Fried, thank you very much.)

*Wouldn’t it be classy if somebody won and said in honor of their big win they were going to donate $500,000 to 4-H or their hometown drama club or build a theater for them or something?  If I have to listen to one more prima-donna tell me I should donate money for their cause when they have hundreds of billions of dollars more than me, I may have to put them on the crazy-as-Tom-Cruise discard pile.  I do not want to hear their political rants or their save the whales pitch.  Put your money where your mouth is, bitch.

Okay, so clearly, if you all know how to get these suggestions to the powers-that-be, get on it, would ya?  And for the rest of us, there’s always the red carpet and possibly a fashion malfunction!

Enjoy the Oscars, boys and girls!

***

Any other great ideas for the nominees?  Add ‘em on.  Any opinions on who should win or who will win?  Here’s your chance to say you said it first!  Or will you be opting out of even watching?  Inquiring minds want to know…

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l. #150!!!! – a letter to mark the occasion like a kiss/voodoo doll/dozen roses kind of thing

January 25, 2013

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150… that’s 150 items at the dollar store (sans tax) 150…is too many cats even for a crazy cat lady.  And 150 is a little more than 6 cases of beer…which come to think of it, really doesn’t sound like that much, but it is.  As this is my 150th blog post, I felt the need to make it special so I’ve channeled my inner Brad Paisley (lol) to bring you this letter to us as mere youth (which of course was not that long ago!!!):

Dear Us (pre-1990 or so),

First off, here’s a big FYI:  big bang hair and mullets are a HUGE negatory good buddy! 

 

Shockingly enough, the Michaels are a do – that Thriller album you bought was definitely worth it and you shoulda kept your original Jordans.  Remember the word “vintage.”

And that cartoon, “The Jetsons,” yeah, that’s pretty much gonna be your reality.  Embrace technology, those computers, that thing called the internet, and maxi-zume-dweebie geeks that know how to use it and want to teach it to you.  Someday, you’re going to really like your dear friends Siri and Google, well, maybe not Siri so much.  She doesn’t always “get” you.

 

Sadly, you’re also going to find out water is a necessity.  In fact, you’ll even pay money to drink it from bottles even though you’re not above drinking from a hose in somebody’s back yard.

 

Sure, right now, you are waiting to drive or graduate or get married to the absolute perfect guy/girl and get the hell out of town.  When you get old, it doesn’t change much.  You still want to be married to the perfect person and you are always wanting to get the hell outta dodge!  Say it with me:  vacation, vacation, vacation! 

 

Yeah, you might not want to follow that bf or gf to college, or to New York City, or to the trailer park.

 

But hopefully, you like yourself at least a little.  You probably don’t though.  You probably even think you’re fat.  I bet money what your “fat” is now is way thinner than you ever will be again.  I also hate to tell you that you’re still gonna have zits, faults, and like yourself better when you are tan in pictures, but you will be much happier than you were at 14.  Basically, you worried for nothing.  You can be ugly and a total bitch or an arrogant drunken douchebag, but if you know how to wear it with confidence, people will bow down to you and you can live your life with an air of entitlement.  Or not… which is how we all would prefer it, but do what you have to do.

 

Actually, you know all that time you spend deciding on the right clothes, shaving, doing your hair, and talking on the phone?  Yeah, all that will be out the door in a few years.  You’ll be too busy with work or kids to care about the miniscule details and talking on the phone will be completely passé which is a word you will actually be able to use in conversation instead of like and dude every five seconds.

 

There’s also this word priorities and I hope you have them, and I hope they center around something or someone other than yourself.  If you can do that, you probably won’t screw up your life.  (but that remains to be seen)

 

In the real world, character counts more than looks.  Mom was right about that, and the fact that if they don’t appreciate you for who you are then you don’t need ‘em because you don’t… unless it’s to wave at when you drive up in your well-earned sports car at the class reunion…or maybe you won’t because you’re just not pretentious and you know a car does not make a man.  Nor does money, a big house, an impressive career, or tickets to every big game, but it’s okay if you have those, too.  Just don’t forget the people that stuck by you.

 

By the way, that boy/girl that treats you like shit – yeah, he/she likes you but is too messed up to just say it.  You’ll realize you don’t want that kind.

 

As for other important advice, everything is bad for you depending on who you ask.  Just don’t ask.

 

Oh, and moisturize.  It’s important, like loving your family despite their flaws, finding a career, not just a job, and living alone before you get married.  Living alone makes you appreciate your spouse a lot more when you find them. And you will… possibly later than you expected, but you will. Keep saying those prayers to God.

 

Finally, just do what makes you happy, but won’t bring grandma and grandpa embarrassment.  If you can do that, you’re ahead of the game. 

And never be afraid to go home again if that’s where you belong.

Love,

Me

P.S. – Boones Farm strawberry hill will always be cool. (lol)  Join the http://www.boonesfarm.net Nostalgia is always a good thing.

P.S.S. – Thank you to all of you who read my posts, who share my posts, and who say nice things about my blogs.  Writers need readers.  Thank you for being my backers and for putting my words out into the world.

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So what did I forget? I’m sure you have something perfect you can add.  Or do you want to write your own “letter to me?”  You can, and you can read more awesome letters at www.dearme.org.

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l. #140: Don’t be goin’ all cuckoo-for-coco-pops on Thanksgiving meal! Stick with the good stuff!

November 16, 2012

Leftovers? What leftovers?

Let’s talk turkey…No, really.  Let’s talk turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, rolls, pie…  Sure, we could talk football, parades, black Friday-turned-Thursday shopping, and tryptophan napping, but there’s food to discuss, so let’s go with that!

If you haven’t figured out by now, I’m a traditionalist.  I like my turkey (dark meat if I have my druthers), mashed potatoes sans gravy, corn, homemade rolls (preferably not by me!!), pink salad, and pecan pie.  (As you might have noted in an earlier blog, I’m anti-pumpkin so feel free to man that pie on your own!)  I’m guessing your family has some variation of that meal, right?

I know some people who throw in some homemade mac and cheese, relish trays, stuffing of course, green bean casserole, and maybe even some deviled eggs.  But if it involves Jell-O and you’re from Iowa, then it damn well better have marshmallows in it.  Just sayin’.

Are all those staples sounding familiar?  Listen, I’m good with that if you like ‘em.    And maybe you have a family member who is the best cook in the world so they have one dish they bring to every family function.  Heck, I’m all good with that, too.  Of course, there’s also that family member who comes in carrying beer, wine, margaritas, and a cozie for everyone assuming drunk, dysfunctional troops get along better than sober ones.  I certainly can’t argue that point!

What blows my mind are the other people.  You know who I’m talking about.  There’s always that one family member who shows up empty-handed, and I guarantee you that they are the last one to offer to clean up the dishes or the toys the kids left out.  How does that person just “show up?”  And how do they not realize that didn’t contribute anything when Cousin Elma carried in 7 pies with homemade freaking crusts???  Okay, I get it if they flew in or are 97 years old or 15, but if they live down the street and are between the ages of 25 and 75, what the hell?  Are you with me?

My other favorite person at the party is the person who decides to be “different” and by different, I don’t mean in a good way.  There’s always that family member, we’ll call her Aunt Bethany, that decided to be “creative” in their culinary concoctions.  People, people, people.  It’s Thanksgiving!  Nobody wants to branch out to your cranberry-mustard glazed ham.  If you saw it on Rachael Ray and followed the recipe exactly, then maybe we’ll consider it, but if you just whipped up what sounded good to you or what you had in the cabinets, then for the love of all things holy, re-think “trying something new.”

You wanna try something new?  How ‘bout you wear a new eye shadow or bring a new lager for the masses to try.  Do not, I repeat, do not bring your scary-ass, unidentifiable aspic mold to our table!  There’s something called “normal” and we like it!

Of course, I say all that, and really it’s up to you.  Eat whatever you want.  Every year, it’s pizza for the Quartermaines.  At least it’s easy.  And honestly, as long as I don’t have to eat at your house, I could give a crap what you shovel in.  All I ask is that you remember to be thankful for it.  Oh, and don’t be afraid to send some leftovers my way, too!

Happy Thanksgiving 2012, everyone!

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P.S. – Do you have a food tradition at your house or a fave you can’t resist?  Go ahead and share it with us below!  And a little shout-out to all of you who’ve already spent some time being thankful in The Blessed Turkey Project – 939 people strong!  Thank you for that.

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l. #129 – Mmm…bacon and beer and football. Yes, please! Happy International Bacon Day!

September 1, 2012

Are you ready for some football?  More importantly, are you ready for some bacon?  I know, weird transition, huh?  But why not enjoy the first weekend of football celebrating International Bacon Day?  I mean, everything’s better with bacon!

So you’re kicking off your college game day with some heavy tailgating, hog roasts, and campfires, but what do you need to make it perfect?  That piece de résistance?  Bacon!  Nothing goes better with beer than bacon…well, maybe flirting and beer, but bacon’s a close second!  You can make it easy on yourself and get the new bacon and cheddar Ruffles potato chips or you can simply make your burgers bacon cheeseburger sliders…um, yum…  If you’re really wanting to take it up a notch, you can make those cheesy bacon-wrapped wieners in a blanket.  (You know I’m dying to make a comment here.  Insert your own.)

My personal feeling is that we can ditch those wine tastings and move on to bacon tastings.  I’m positive it will catch on.  Ode de bacon would get the boys running, too if you ask me.  And don’t forget to show ‘em how you can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan for breakfast tomorrow morning.  Just sayin’. ..

Honestly, I don’t think there are many things that could bring people together like bacon.  You catch that whiff and you are huntin’ bacon.  It could be a mob scene.  Forget the Huskers, bring on the bacon!

My colleague at work is the Bubba Gump of bacon.  He makes bacon cookies and chocolate-covered bacon.  Now, I think he’s rubbing off on me.  I have become passionate about bacon.  I love bacon and eggs, bacon on my burgers, bacon sautéed in my green beans, and there’s something about dipping my bacon in syrup when I order French toast and bacon that makes my mouth water.  (Yes, it’s terrible for me but so is drinking, not sleeping, and dealing with stressful family situations.  What’s your point?) Don’t even get me started about bacon crumbs baked onto the top of homemade macaroni and cheese.  Yum.  Hell, I especially love bakin’ in the sun and Kevin Bacon had me at Footloose.  There’s not a bacon I don’t like.

What’s my point?  Well, my point is that it’s Labor Day weekend, you’ve got sports to watch, and bacon to celebrate.  Put it with your burgers and beverages or use it to eat off the hangover in the morning.  Do what you gotta do, but you might wanna start makin’ bacon ASAP!  Happy 3 weekend!

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l. #126 – Which newly suggested Olympic event is calling your name? (and not as a LOSER) lol

August 3, 2012

Who has bloodshot eyes from staying up too late to watch the Olympics?  Has anybody else got their remote set to jump back and forth between Olympic event stations?  I can’t help it.  I am a complete sucker for champions.  Oh, and their outfits/uniforms.  So loving them!  But does anybody else sit there staring at the TV thinking that only that you wish you were that fit or that good at a sport?  It only reminds me I am a total sloth!

Somebody I write with was saying that she missed making the Olympics by .041 of a second, and I’m thinking “yeah, me, too… if there were an Olympic event for smart ass remarks!”

I have always been completely fascinated by people that excel at sports and are willing to put their lives on hold for an event that happens once every 4 years.   (I can hardly be patient enough for the idiot in front of me to realize he has a green arrow let alone 4 years!!!)

What I have realized is that we need a non-sports form of Olympics for the rest of us non-athletic folks (read that as people with 2 left feet, beer guts, and TV addictions).  I have taken the liberty of coming up with some “body-inspired” type competitions the general public might be better at.  So who thinks they could win one of these events?

Bolton’s Top 10 Possible Additions to the Olympic Stage

 

Event #1 – Insert foot in mouth contest (Perfect for those that accidently insult their future mother-in-laws, talk about the boss as she walks by the door, and offer to let family members borrow money.  Good plan, Stan.  Good plan.)

Event #2 – Improper Use of Sign Language (i.e. giving the bird, jacking off motions, and wrist whipping  in reference to a best friend’s girlfriend’s control)

Event #3 – Bar Hopping (Think drunk dancing, 12 oz. curls, building beer can pyramids not human ones!)

Event #4 – Tongue touching (oh, the French may have the advantage on this kind of lunge, but we have a wealth of teenagers willing to compete in the art)

Event #5 – Thumb wrestling wars (you know what they say about guys with strong thumbs…they make great hitchhikers and Fonzie impersonators.  Sorry, I could resist that either.)

Event #6 – Mattress Dancing (it goes without saying that Hollywood has proven our talent in this arena)

Event #7 – Road Rage (exercising our aggression, a very American quality complementing our love of driving in the fast lane and weaving through 10 lanes of traffic)

Event #8 – Marco Polo (not exactly water polo, but it can still be a tackle sport)

Event #9 – Ass Kicking (not the donkey kind, the kind where thug A thinks that thug B slept with his woman hence the beat down)

Event 10 – Rib Grilling (The meat kind, not the actual ribs in your body, because if we in the United States can’t smoke it, roast it, or sear it, nobody can.  I feel we could go 3 for 3 on the medal podium for this one!)

Personally, I think those are much more realistic.  In fact, I have a few of you already labeled the winner in a few categories, but just for kicks, let me know which you think might be your best fit, or if you know an event I missed, be sure to let me know!

 

P.S. – for you loyal readers out there, here’s a little insider info:  there’s going to be a giveaway next week!

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Lecture #110 – huntin’ bunnies, peeps, and adult beverages

April 6, 2012

Whatcha packin’ in yer Easter basket?  No, that’s not a euphemism.  Just simply asking if you’ve made a basket full of goodies for somebody (it does sound dirty, doesn’t it?).  Why do I ask?  Well, it seems to me that we all worry about the tatter tots at Easter, but let me introduce you to the Adult Easter Basket.  You’re never too old to like getting gifts and having somebody remember that you exist!

Seriously.  What’s so wrong with doing something extra special for your spouse, your mommy and daddy, your elderly neighbor down the street, or your co-worker that has been shit on repeatedly lately?   Don’t tell me you wouldn’t be excited to the see the Easter Bunny show up at your door!  I guarantee he’ll be showing up at mine!

So let me share with you how the Easter Hare works (no bunnies at our age!).  The Easter Hare can make a basket using a gift bag, a wrapping covered shoe box, a laundry basket (which probably needs replacing anyway), or an old suitcase duck-taped up for that matter.  The over 21 version of the Easter basket doesn’t actually have to be a basket just some make-shift version of it because we don’t care about the packaging.  We’re all about the insides (at least, that’s what we tell people).

Once you have your “basket,” then you need to find the appropriate filler.  If you want to stick with the Easter theme, you could start by giving Bunny Tracks ice cream (get it?) with some Dixie paper bowls (no mess) and a new ice cream scoop (because probably they’re still using the one their mom passed down to them when they went to college that she kept as a back-up.  You just realized that’s what you own, too, don’t you?) .  If melting would be an issue, I happen to like to use baked goods.  Nobody over 21 is upset to get homemade food as long as it’s identifiable and non-toxic (read as:  if you’re not a crappy cook).  I like to give cookies or banana bread or chocolate chip muffins.  Just some quick options.

If you’ve got a college kid, I’m all for mac and cheese, microwave popcorn, spaghetti-o’s, chips, and beef jerky, but I’m sure you could hunt down some ramen, too.  Now, if you’re low on time for the holiday weekend with no time to spare, there’s nothing unacceptable about chocolate!  Who doesn’t love chocolate?  I’m a big fan of those Reese’s peanut butter eggs and those candy-coated Hershey chocolate eggs that are almost impossible to find these days.  Not afraid to break out the sour gummy bunnies, either.  And if you know the person, you know whether they’re a peep show kind of guy.  Personally, you can keep your peeps to yourself, but did you see they now come on their own pole?  Well, technically, it’s a lollipop stick, but it sounds more fun to call it their stripper pole.

However, you may be thinking to yourself that nobody in your house, or around you, needs any candy.  For shame!  Okay, so we don’t need the added pounds, and if that’s the case, skip the chocolate (I can’t believe I just said that!!!).  Last time I checked, the hippity hop hare was down with other treats, too.  Need a little help?  I’m on it!

First off, nothing says l love my husband like a 6 pack a beer (unless it’s a 24 pack of beer).  Who doesn’t like a basket of beer and pretzels (well, besides me)?  Beer not appropriate for Easter in your mind?  That’s fine.  There’s always books and magazines with bubble bath and candles for the ladies.  I’m a big fan of flip-flops, sun tan lotion, and bug spray.  Love me some summer!  And always like when Easter gifts are useful – you know, not the giant carrot decoration that says “Happy Easter!” that sits in your storage area for a year and then you forget to get it out before Easter only to hear your husband say on a monthly basis that you have too much crap.  Just sayin’.  And if you really wanna get useful, go with the basket of man panties and socks for the hubs or a beach towel and mini umbrellas for your best friend.  Nothing wrong with baskets of fishing lures, golf balls, or pansies (the flowers, not the unmanly types), either.

The Easter Hare is all about celebrating our blessings and the people around us are those blessings.  They put up with us.  They love us.  They bail us out when we get drunk and disorderly.  They order pizza to celebrate our 20 pound weight loss (lol).  They even listen to us vent about all the stupid people who don’t do what we wanted them to do when everyone else knows we are exactly right about everything!

The Easter Hare knows that we may be grown up, but we’re not too old for surprises, or treats, or getting that fuzzy feeling that somebody loves us.  Listen, he’s not even above a mini bar bottle egg hunt if you need to.  Plus, I’ll let you in on a little secret.  Getting to be the Easter Hare gives you that same winter-afternoon-tummy-full-ready-for-a-well-deserved-nap kind of feeling, too.  You can’t help be a little happy at other people’s happiness, but if you decide to dress up as the Easter Hare, well, we’ll see you on YouTube I guess.  Until then, Happy Easter!

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Lecture #107 – Bracketology: basketball, beer, and spouses. Not necessarily in that order!

March 17, 2012

It’s that time of year again:  March Madness!  Now, some of you may think that 80 degrees in March is the madness I speak of, but the rest of you know I’m talking b-ball.  Don’t tune out just yet.  I know how some of you feel about basketball.  No worries.  I’ve got something for everyone on this front.  Take bracketology, for instance.

What if we applied bracketology to some other things in life like beers, pizza toppings, possible spouses, best songs to shag to, vacation spots, best in-laws, even co-workers?  Think about it.

You die hard beer drinkers could easily come up with 64 beers to test in the name of bracketology, couldn’t you?  Plus, think of the fun time naming the different divisions:  cheap bastard beers, rich bastard beers, lite beers for wussies, maybe even snotty bitch microbrews.  I can only imagine you would have yourself a damn good time, unless of course you got stuck testing the cheap bastard beers of PBR, Natty Lite, Schlitz, Keystone, and whatever poor college kids can get their hands on.

Personally, I’m a huge fan of brackets for your spouse selection.  We could all nominate 64 contenders (I know you’re thinking that you can’t find 1 let alone 64, but stick with me) and you’d have to check them all out before jumping the gun and taking whatever riff-raff shows up first.  Plus, I can totally see the conversations and stat analysis on that one.  In the first round, we have Jeff coming in sporting a law degree but a chronic case of halitosis that could take him out of the game.  He’ll be up against Sam who has his own million dollar on-line company but keep in mind his company sells erotica dvds which may or may not be a deal-breaker.  Chuck comes in with a record, not of 10 and 1, but a record, as in the jail kind.  Boy, I hope he’s out in the first round.  The sad thing is that for some people he probably wouldn’t be and that’s why we need a process of narrowing down!  After all these years, Chandler Bing’s Big Three still ring true:  nice, heterosexual, and employed.  That’s all you need.  However,  the female breakdown would be classic, too.  We have Barbie sporting big boobs taking on Rosy who answers to, “Woman!  Make me some supper!”  How could a man choose between those?

The thing about bracketology is that everybody discusses it around the water cooler, the family dinner table, or little league practice.  Sure, everybody talks about it even if they don’t know jack about it.  You’d be hard-pressed to find someone without an opinion.   And that’s the great part about brackets:  there’s a winner and a loser so all that talk is either backed up or shot to Hell in a matter of a month.  Even better, the winner is sometimes the one who made decisions based on mascots or color coordination.  Sometimes, you can win blindly.  And who doesn’t need that kind of luck once in a while?

Of course, you automatically have luck if you are in the process of picking a place to holiday.  (Love those British ways of saying crap like that.  Sounds all sophisticated.)  What I wouldn’t kill for a few days off right about now!  I’d love to be pondering Bermuda vs. Jamaica or have the Iowa State Fair duke it out with the Spam Museum.  All kinds of options.  In the big scheme of things though, I’d be most excited to deliberate over a vote-off-the-island-elimination bracket of exiling co-workers.  Wouldn’t it be fun if you could get rid of the worst one in rounds of competition?  We have Bill who forgets to alphabetize his file drawers for easy access but he does bring donuts every Friday.  He’ll be taking on Janine who paints her nails during meetings, but does send any memo you don’t want to put your name on.  Don’t tell me you don’t all have a pit-stained, non-paper-pusher, pot-stirrer at your job you’d love to get rid of!  I won’t believe you!  However, maybe we should stick to the bracketology of pizza toppings.  We might get awfully full, but we’re a lot less likely to be the one voted off the island!

Is it sad that my mind is now starting to go through and figure out if I actually know 64 different pizza toppings because I’m not sure I do.  There’s pepperoni, beef, Italian sausage, ground pork, Canadian bacon, ham, bacon, mozzarella, pineapple, chicken, feta, anchovies, mushrooms, olives, onions, okay, so I could probably get to 64.  (Did you really think I’d bore you with them all?  Or are you now counting to see if you can come up with 64?  Got ya!)

Anyway, I’m just sayin’ that brackets are fun.  Who doesn’t like picking winners and losers and hanging up the participation ribbon at the end of the day?  For the record, I’ll be glued to the TV for the next few weeks because as we all know I love an underdog, and I feel a Cinderella story is headed my way, but if b-ball isn’t your thing, not to worry.  I’m sure you can make your own version of a 64 bracket challenge, just promise me I won’t be the co-worker kicked off the team!

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Lecture #104 – No porn, beer, or underwear, but you get a fish-fry on Friday!

February 26, 2012

So what did you give up?  Your half side of bacon every morning?  Your mocha-latte fix?  Your late night snack of popcorn and M&M’s?  I’ve read about a million Facebook posts declaring your Lenten offerings.  Anybody else notice that most people give up food or drinks?  I have to give mad props to my cousin, Kattie, for being original.  Haven’t heard a lot of people give up their “drive-free” attitude and agree to wear a seatbelt during Lent, and I love that she’s not going to cuss for the duration either.  Somehow, I have a feeling there’s going to be a lot of Schitnitz and Holy Crapolas in her future!  Also giving a shout-out to Lauren for being the biggest gunner as she attempts Weight Watchers and the Stop Smoking Combo.  Wow! 

When I was growing up, I kinda thought that Lent was meant to screw the farmers and help the fish industry what with meatless Fridays and all.  As I got older, I came to the realization that they’re really an excuse to have fish-fry Fridays and drink merrily in the name of God.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not above it, I’m just sayin’…  As a non-Catholic, I don’t have to give up anything to keep my status as a Methodist, but I have concluded why so many are so willing to jump on the Lenten bandwagon (well, besides the whole obvious and totally respectable religious reasons).  Lent is your New Year’s resolutions being re-born like a sinner or a non-virgin all wrapped up in one.  Plus, you only have to make it 40 days instead of 365, gotta love the percentages on that one. 

What I have to wonder is why there aren’t more declarations of sacrifices other than libations and junk food?  Why don’t we get to give up the good stuff like laundry or dishes or cooking?  Can’t we say paper plates for all?  Or I have given up cooking for Lent, find your own damn food?  Or guess we’ll see how many clothes really are in that closet of yours.  By the time Palm Sunday rolls around, you might need that palm leaf to cover up the private parts!  The thing about Lent is that a bunch of people give up a bunch of vices and bad habits to prove their abilities to resist temptation, when in fact, it just ends up torturing the people around them.  I kinda think it’s a testament of friendship and loyalty from those around you.  God has blessed you with these people who are willing to put up with you when you haven’t had your morning caffeine or your Casey’s donut for your mid-morning sugar high.  The Lord giveth and he taketh away. 

I mean, my husband said he gave up happiness for the sake of us getting married.  Where’s the true outpourings of selflessness here, people?  Nobody’s been jumping to give up their porn for lent, or their Beer:30 happy hour, or going without sexual encounters for the duration, or wearing underwear for the month.  Aren’t you willing to go commando for the cause?  Just asking.  Perhaps you could give up your Swamp People fix or your daily flipping off of the neighbors.  I’m just saying that it’s okay to think outside the box.  If you wanna leave your car in your garage and bike everywhere for Lent, just think of the money you’d save, the better shape you’d be in, oh, and how bad your hair would look when you arrived everywhere.  Trade-offs, my friends… There’s always trade-offs.

So this Lenten season, do what you gotta do.  Give up your Diet Coke, your expensive Lancome mascara, or your e-bay purchasing of rare Star Wars memorabilia, but unless there’s fried fish and a blessing from God involved, leave me out of it!  Besides, you might wanna keep your distance.  I’m giving up deoderant, shaving, and pleasantness for this go-round!  lol.

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Lecture #61 – Get your Lucky Charms over here!

March 17, 2011

So Valentine’s Day may be all about love with lovey dovey hearts, red roses, and stuffed animals, but St. Patrick’s Day is quite the opposite.   Much to my amazement, I have decided St. Patty’s Day is simply about getting laid.  I am officially declaring “Mony, Mony” the theme song for March 17th.  (We all know there was only one reason that song was popular and don’t tell me you aren’t chanting the unsung chorus to the song as we speak!)

Just think about it.  There may be a few kind souls that still consider St. Pat’s Day a day to head on over to the church and say a little prayer for Saint Patrick and then make a heaping bowl of corned beef and cabbage to share with the family, but I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that there’s a larger population who consider the day a reason to get their drunken schwerve on.  Most common-folk celebrating the big holiday are more concerned with their choices for the evening than having some potato soup.  And by choices, I mean they have to make decisions over whether they’ll be guzzling green ale, chugging Guiness, sipping the Irish whiskey, or tossing back Irish car bombs.  But for most celebrators, it don’t matter what you’re drinkin’, it’s just about gettin’ hammered.

Of course, there are some fine friends that aren’t just about getting lit.  Just like chocolate and peanut butter, drunk and horny seem to meld together well.  And why wouldn’t that be the expectation?  It’s not like anyone is unaware that the Kelly green M&M is the universal “doin’ it” candy.  And there we have it:  green is the color of M&M’s, money, and the Irish.   It’s the only holiday where a little man in a green suit with orange hair pleading he’s a leprechaun singing, Come on, Eileen gets any action.  As an elf, he’d be home alone by 9pm.  It’s obviously the luck of the Irish that gets him some!

My other favorite thing to see is which guy at the bar “accidentally” forgot to wear green.  Mmmm… he wasn’t trying to get pinched, now was he?  And he certainly wasn’t thinking it would be a great pick-up tactic either.  Oh no, that would never work, now would it?  Except…IT DOES!  OMG!  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen the scenario play out.

Example A: 

“Hey sweetheart, that there Kiss me I’m Irish t-shirt sure is cute.  How ‘bout I go ahead and get on with that?”

Baby-talks the clueless, long-haired, drunken bimbo wearing the shirt, “But where’s your green?”

To which he replies, “I must have forgotten it, but how ‘bout we make a deal?  You can pinch me, and I’ll kiss you.”

“Okay.” Wide-eyed, plastered, insecure, dumb girl responds.

And don’t even get me started on all the euphemisms dedicated to the holiday!

Example B:

Him:  “Hey baby, why don’t you let me see those big ole clovers of yours?”

Her:  “Uck!  Get away from me before I kick you in your Blarney stones!”

Him:  “How ‘bout you kiss my Blarney stones instead?”

Her:  “Seriously?  I will kick you in your lucky charms if you don’t get away from me right now!”

Him:  “Oh, come on, baby, I promise if you touch the end of my rainbow, you’ll reach the gold.”

Her:  “You are such a freak!”

Him:  “In the sack!  No doubt about it.  Wait till you see the side of corned beef I’m packin’!”

And so it goes:  another “Happy” St. Patrick’s Day set in motion.  So go ahead, get out there and get your drunk on.  I think I’ll stick with M&M’s.

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