So, do you actually watch the Oscars? I often wonder if people really watch the whole thing, or not. I myself love the fashion. I’m all about the pre-game red-carpet line-up, and I’m kinda interested in who wins, but not enough to sit through foreign film and short film awards for movies made by someone in their basement. As a creative type, I want to appreciate them, but honestly, they just end up boring me.
So after some deep thought (read as a 20 minute drive in Traffic of the Idiots), I concluded that these are some things that might liven up Oscar nominee speeches:
*Wouldn’t it be fascinating if someone thanked their 9 cats – Doopy, Puffy, Fluffy, Snoopy, Opie, Tippy, Kit Kitty, Kissy, and Jack-Off? See, that’s entertaining. And don’t tell me that those cray-cray-crazy actresses don’t have 50 cats. They just keep them better hidden or better manicured so no one asks questions!
*What if someone said they’re going to Disneyland? If it’s good enough for football players, it’s good enough for people who pretend to be Abraham Lincoln, an alien, or a hooker slut and get paid for it. Just sayin’.
*Tell me you don’t want to hear somebody’s acoustic version of Soft Kitty or some other random made-up song like Pants on the Ground. Break out something that makes me feel like I get the inside look at your victory dance. And there’s bonus points if you dance around Meryl Streep and make her uncomfortable. Who made her the queen???
*Let’s hear somebody dedicate their award to their best friend’s sister’s hairdresser’s kid brother’s neighbor that fixed her tire so she could get to that audition 15 years ago that she just ran into the other day at 31 Flavors and realized he deserved a thank you. (Because we deserve a Ferris Bueller reference, because at the end of the day, the Oscar should really belong to a movie that kids 25 years later can still quote – I’m just sayin’!)
*Or how about someone hauls in their Michael Kors purse with props? Lipstick to touch up and share their brand and special color, a small flag to say God bless America, a picture of their entire redneck family in Daisy Dukes and muscle shirts on the river bank, the stuffed animal that said “break a leg” that their boyfriend/now husband gave them before they made it big, and some breath mints just to be on the safe side.
*Don’t you think it would be hysterical if somebody won and snapped their fingers once they got to the stage and all these waiters came out of nowhere to deliver pizza and beer to everyone? Now, that’s a way to celebrate! Plus, we’d all get to see whose seams popped! (Yes, I know they’d prefer Cristal, but I prefer a little bit of Chicken Fried, thank you very much.)
*Wouldn’t it be classy if somebody won and said in honor of their big win they were going to donate $500,000 to 4-H or their hometown drama club or build a theater for them or something? If I have to listen to one more prima-donna tell me I should donate money for their cause when they have hundreds of billions of dollars more than me, I may have to put them on the crazy-as-Tom-Cruise discard pile. I do not want to hear their political rants or their save the whales pitch. Put your money where your mouth is, bitch.
Okay, so clearly, if you all know how to get these suggestions to the powers-that-be, get on it, would ya? And for the rest of us, there’s always the red carpet and possibly a fashion malfunction!
Enjoy the Oscars, boys and girls!
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Any other great ideas for the nominees? Add ‘em on. Any opinions on who should win or who will win? Here’s your chance to say you said it first! Or will you be opting out of even watching? Inquiring minds want to know…
Teresa Cortez
I’m with you on the ways to make things more interesting. And real. Especially the dedication to the sister’s hairdresser’s somebody’s someone or whatever, and then the props in the purse. It would certainly humanize these unreal people. Fun write as always.
boltoncarley
i know that they are the creative over-the-top types, but snotty, stuffy thank yous just don’t do it for me.
harrybsanderford
Is it just coincidence that you share initials with Billy Crystal? I think not. I cast my vote for a new BC MC next year. I don’t know what a, “Michael Kors purse with props” is but what you said about the pizza and beer made me think, hey, the academy really blew an oppurtunity snubbing Oprah for The Color Purple. She might have gotten up there and been all, “And you get a Chevy Cavalier, and you get a Chevy Cavalier, and you, and you…”
“who made her queen”
Funny stuff as always, Bolton!
boltoncarley
Harry, that is hysterical – oprah giving away her favorite things would definitely liven it up! and being compared to billy will always be a highlight.
Jason Van Holland
I think the nominees should have to do a stupid human trick “Letterman style” before they are seated in the theater. I would certainly watch those pre-game antics.
boltoncarley
I can’t even imagine some of the weird crap they could do. When drugs are that prevalent, i can only imagine they’d come up with some interesting talents! yikes! but i like your style.